A quiet week in springtime

Yes, this was a quiet week for me, no appointments or special things I needed to do. Rocket Boy actually had multiple appointments, including two at 8 am (Thursday and Friday), which meant he needed to get up at 6:30 those days. On Saturday he and I both slept until 10 -- we were so tired! 

But other than that, it was a quiet week, perfect for me to get started with my new resolutions. To refresh your memory, I wanted to (1) be more religious about exercise, (2) do yardwork every weekday morning, (3) write a little every day, and (4) get back into decluttering the house.

I did pretty well with exercise. I went for a walk every day except Friday, so that was good, and I managed to lift weights two days (which was the goal). I did not do any stretch videos, but that's OK. Getting back into walking every day was the main thing. I must say, though, I struggled. On some of the days, I got really tired, and on Tuesday, when I went for a longer walk (1.74 miles), I wasn't sure I would make it back. So I must go a little easier on myself, work my way up to longer walks.

I was successful with doing yardwork, even though some days I really didn't want to. But I got out there all five days. I alternated between front yard and backyard, as I used to do in the summer of 2023, when I did all that yardwork with Teen A. 

I don't like to work in the front yard, because people walking by can see me, and might perhaps comment on what I'm doing wrong or how I should hire someone to get rid of the junipers, etc. But in fact no one does comment, or at least they haven't so far. I don't like working in the backyard because I'm afraid a dog will run in and bite me or a homeless person will come in and attack me, none of which makes any sense -- wouldn't those things be more likely in the front yard? Not that they are likely at all. But the whole time I'm out there, I keep looking around -- are there any threats, is anything in the yard with me -- and I try to keep some sort of weapon (clippers, saw, large branch) in my hand at all times.

It's going to be a long summer.

I also managed to do some writing every day. I'm currently working on a little essay memoir about my wedding, back in 2002. My wedding was absolutely the loveliest experience it could have been -- everything was perfect -- and it was also the most horrible experience it could have been, because of some things that happened the week before it, connected with my difficult sister. Whenever I think about my wedding (usually when I hear about someone else's wedding) I think, oh, it was so lovely, and then I think, well, except that it wasn't. I thought maybe by writing about it, I could tease apart my real feelings about it. So far I have written seven and a half pages and I am no closer to making sense of the experience, but I will keep working on it.

A few nights ago I had my dissertation dream again. This is the dream I have where I realize that I haven't finished my dissertation yet (in some of the dreams I haven't even started it, perhaps don't have a topic, but it varies) and I'd better get busy, because time is running out. (Of course, I actually finished the darn thing almost 30 years ago!) I have this dream every 3-6 months, something like that, and it's been going on for several years. While my advisor was still alive, I would dream that he told me I'd better hurry, he didn't have much time left to help me. After his death, the dreams have been concerned not only with finishing the diss, but with finding a new advisor. The last time I had the dream, I had to meet with the current linguistics faculty, to see if any of them would be willing to work with me, because of course almost everyone who was there when I was there has retired by now.

In this week's version of the dream, I was still trying to find an advisor so I could finish, but it wasn't looking good. I did manage to connect with one professor in the department who I knew slightly as a graduate student. In the dream her last name was Hope (this is not her real name), which must be significant. Anyway, she didn't seem to want to be my advisor. Throughout the dream I kept thinking, this is it, there's no time left, I'm going to have to give up. I'll just be ABD (all but dissertation). It's not so bad. Lots of people are ABD. I tried to reconcile myself to the idea. I was getting there. Lurking in the background of the dream was the sense that I was going to die soon, that I had cancer, which was why I had to give up on the dissertation.

The dream was so vivid, so clear, that I couldn't stop thinking about it (all the dissertation dreams are like this). I kept thinking, what does this MEAN? Is it an anxiety dream? Is it about getting something done before I die? But what? Is there some big project in my real life that I'm worried about completing or being unable to complete in the time I have left? Surely this isn't about the yardwork. Maybe my novels, but are they really so important? Do I have cancer? My health seemed perfect at my physical last month, but... 

I tried to think who I could ask to explain the dream to me. Finally I thought, the only one who knows the answer is me, so I must ask my psyche. So, the last few nights before going to sleep, I said to myself, tell me what the dissertation dreams mean.

The first night, I got no response (that I remember). The second night, last night, I dreamed that I had two long papers to finish. Not dissertations, just long term papers for classes I was taking. I knew exactly how to finish both of them, but I was running out of time, and my sister Barbara kept talking to me. She was cleaning her kitchen and chatting away. Finally I said to her, Barbara, I really need to stop talking to you and go work on my papers.

Was that my answer? It seems like a different dream altogether, although there is that sense of running out of time, but there were no worries about advisors, and I was clearly capable of getting the papers done. I guess I can just keep asking. 

*** 

The one resolution that I completely failed at was decluttering. Man, I really do not like to clean. I did take apart some of the boxes in the living room and put them out for the recycling pickup. But Rocket Boy did some cleaning himself yesterday -- worked on decluttering the living room a little too. He found some of my shoes, some green sandals, buried in a basket and said, "Whose are these?" Whose do you THINK they are, I scolded him. Obviously they're mine. No one else in the family wears green sandals. "Do you still wear them?" Well... I said I did, but later on I tried them on, and they're really ratty. So I threw them in the trash (they're too far gone to donate). Rocket Boy will probably pull them out later and try to do something with them. Arrrggghhh.

I managed to get all the things done (that I did get done) by curtailing my reading time during the day, and that turned out to be less stressful than I'd anticipated. Mainly it just made me eager to go to bed at night, so that I would have more time to read before turning off the light. 

On Friday I kind of ran out of gas. I did the yardwork, and maybe half an hour of writing, but that was all. No walk, no stretch video, just that little bit of cleaning. I didn't even make dinner (bad Mom). Rocket Boy got home at 6:30 and I was lying on the bed reading. He ended up baking himself a frozen pizza. Teen B just had snacks, as did I. I wish I had the kind of family that didn't expect a formal dinner on Friday, but I don't, so, oh well. In penance, yesterday I made the banana bread coffee cake. It didn't turn out that well. The bananas weren't really ripe enough, and I ran out of cinnamon. But it's OK. We've all had some and it's fine.

Now, the week ahead. It will be a funny week because of state testing. Tomorrow is "senior ditch day" again. I have told the twins I will NOT put in an excused absence for them -- if they want to "ditch," it is their decision and they will have to face the consequences. Tuesday and Wednesday they have off, because the other grades are doing state testing and taking the SAT and PSAT. That means Teen A will be off doing Teen A things, and Teen B will be sitting at home pestering me. But also, he and I are supposedly going to practice driving those days, in preparation for him taking the test to get his license. We will see how that goes. Thursday and Friday are normal days, more or less. 

So, I will keep going with my new goals, as best I can. Yardwork every morning, a walk every afternoon, possibly weight lifting and stretch videos in the middle of the day. Some time to write every day. And a little decluttering every day. And of course cooking dinner, bleah. And laundry, dishes, grocery shopping, all that jazz. It'll be a week. Hope yours is a good one.