Tuesday, September 28, 2021

Reading post: Brothers Three and other Native American novels from the 1930s

I have finished my eighth selection for the Classics Challenge: Brothers Three by John Milton Oskison (Cherokee), published in 1935. I chose this novel to fulfill category #6, "A classic by a new-to-you author." Of course, almost all the authors I'm reading for the challenge this year are new to me, so I used this category as a place to put something that didn't seem to fit anywhere else. 

There was a little explosion of publishing by Native Americans in the 1930s, and Oskison is not by any means the most famous author of that group. That would be either John Joseph Mathews (Osage) or D'Arcy McNickle (Salish-Kootenai). I chose to go with Oskison because Mathews' and McNickle's most famous books both seemed as though they would be depressing. But after reading all the other books that I've gone through so far, I realized that "depressing" is just something you've got to deal with when reading classic Native American literature. So I read Mathews and McNickle too, and I'll discuss all three in this post.

First, Oskison and Brothers Three. Oskison was born in 1874, which makes him roughly a contemporary of Will Rogers (actually five years older), and the two of them did know each other. There are a couple of references to Rogers in Brothers Three, for example, when the middle brother, Roger (aka Bunny, aka the Herdsman) is asked about his roping ability. He says,

"I was fair. It was fun to rope when this country was full of Texas cowboys; we used to get up what we called roping contests, first prize five dollars. Ask old-time peelers like Will Rogers where they learned to twirl the twine."

I don't know a lot about Oskison's history. I am not aware of a biography of him. According to a short piece on the Oklahoma Historical Society web page, Brothers Three is autobiographical, which it certainly feels like, but I don't know how closely it follows Oskison's family. It is the saga of the Odell family, part Cherokee, and the three sons of that family who grow up to lead very different lives. The father of the family, Francis Odell, is a white man who comes to Indian Territory (later Oklahoma) to seek his fortune and marries Janet Keith, the daughter of a part-Cherokee family already established there. They set up a farm and have three sons, about five years apart: Timothy Keith Odell, known as Timmy or Bud; Roger, mentioned above; and Henry, sometimes called Mister. The book is divided into three sections, each about 150 pages, one section for each brother -- but they proceed in chronological order, so the "Timmy" section goes from 1873 when Tim is a baby until 1919, Roger's section (called "The Herdsman") begins in 1920 when Roger is already 43, and the "Mister" section focuses on Henry's life from 1927 until 1933, when he is about 51, but includes some flashbacks to his early life as well.

I had a hard time finding a copy of Brothers Three, and having read it I can kind of understand why it was never reprinted. Although it was "widely considered to be his best work," it isn't very good. A lot of melodrama, a lot of cliched characters, even though they're supposedly based on his family. Most of the female characters are awful; the best, mother Janet, dies young, and the second best, May (Tim's wife), who was my favorite character in the book, is described as plump, "broadened," solid, thick, "grown sluggish," "too independent," "heavy-handed," etc. Other women are immature, stupid, "a liability," and so on. But the male characters are equally bad -- Tim and Roger both have major character flaws -- and yet they're let off the hook by the author, presumably because they are based on Oskison's real brothers. Henry, the youngest, is probably meant to be Oskison, and so he is the most intelligent and easiest to like, but he has plenty of issues too -- he revives the family fortune on the stock market, but then gets carried away and loses it all in the Crash of 1929 and afterwards.

It's interesting the way the characters' Cherokee heritage is interwoven in the story. It isn't a major plot point -- it's sort of off to the side, especially since the pater familias, Francis Odell, is white. But when the little boys go to visit their mother's parents, they look forward to eating conahany...

...the great dish of whole-grain hominy which was set on Grandma Keith's table at every noon meal--corn grains treated with ash-hopper lye, swollen with long soaking, and cooked slowly with flavoring of meat stock, nuts, and herbs--a traditional Cherokee dish.

I googled conahany and couldn't find it, but after reading some articles about traditional Cherokee foods, I feel confident that Oskison was referring to a version of kanuchi, a soup made of hickory nuts poured over hominy.

Cherokee heritage becomes important again when whites start moving in to the Territory, leasing land from Indians.

They belonged to the shiftless, drifting class, given to windy talk and indiscriminate "borrying." ...They were contemptuous of the Indians, and promised to hasten the movement for making the Indian Territory into a "white man's state." ...Their dirtiest tow-headed moron child of fifteen was taught to feel superior to such boys as Timmy--to any child however slightly "tainted" by Indian blood.

Timmy is less than one eighth Cherokee. His mother's father is described as "a quarter-blood" while his mother's mother is "only an eighth part Cherokee," so that would make Janet 3/16ths Cherokee and her children 3/32s. (Oskison himself is described as one-eighth Cherokee in the biographical sketch.) And Timmy's father, Francis, is white -- he just arrived a little earlier than these shiftless folks and married a part-Cherokee woman. It's easy to understand Oskison's anger at those who felt having Indian blood made one "tainted," but a little harder to understand how his white father could be considered so much better than these other whites. Perhaps because he was from England (both Francis Odell and Oskison's real father).

Cherokee heritage also becomes important in Timmy's affair with the beautiful half-Cherokee Es-Teece. And Henry remembers being nursed by a Cherokee woman when his mother was too sick to care for him. (John M. Oskison's mother died in 1878, when Oskison would have been only about four years old; in the book, the boys' mother Janet dies when Henry is seven, presumably to make it seem more likely that Henry would have clear memories of her.) Henry also notes that in California where he went to college (at Stanford -- Oskison did too, becoming the university's first Native American graduate), Black people were more accepted than Indians. Fortunately (I guess), he implies that he was able to "pass" as white. 

By the end of the book I was fed up with the whole Odell family, which is, I'm sure, NOT how I was supposed to feel. But I also found myself wondering what really happened, to the Oskison family. Were they able to save their farm? Did they actually have a farm? John M. Oskison died in 1947 -- wonder what happened after 1935, when this book was published. On Find-a-Grave I discovered that Oskison did have two brothers, William and Richard, but Oskison was the middle boy, not the youngest, and the boys were about three years apart, not five. Also, their mother was married before and had two children with her first husband, and their father remarried after their mother's death and had a set of twins, but only one survived and his second wife died young too. All of that was whitewashed out of the novel in order to make it more of a traditional (marketable?) tale. But I'd rather read the real story.

From Oskison I turned to John Joseph Mathews, of Osage descent, and his classic work, Sundown. Mathews is a better writer than Oskison, and Sundown is worth reading (it's been reprinted, so it's also easier to find). Originally published in 1934, it followed Mathews' first book, a surprising Book-of-the-Month club selection called Wah'kon-tah: The Osage and The White Man's Road, which was published in 1929. That book was nonfiction, as were Mathews' subsequent books, but Sundown is a novel, an interesting one. It tells the story of Chal (for "Challenge") Windzer, who is born in Indian Territory in the late 1800s (Mathews was born in 1894, and Chal seems to be about that age, maybe a little younger, since he's in college when the U.S. enters World War I). It's autobiographical in the sense that both Mathews and Chal lived through the same changes, but Mathews grew up to become a successful writer, whereas Chal, by the end of the book, doesn't appear to be heading anywhere good.

All the works by Cherokee authors that I've read have been about people who are mostly white, with just that little bit of Cherokee heritage that they spend their lives trying to understand. John Joseph Mathews was, likewise, only about one-eighth Osage -- his mother was white. But the family had, to quote Wikipedia which is quoting something else, "an active interest in Osage culture," and Mathews ended up embracing that culture. So he made his antihero, Chal, more Indian than himself, with a "mixedblood" father like Mathews' own, but an Indian mother instead of a white one. 

Still, Chal is definitely caught between cultures, with both Indian and white friends. When he goes off to college at the University of Oklahoma, he is annoyed with his two Indian friends who also go, because they keep acting "Indian," which means, among other things, being silent around other people and getting offended by white fraternity antics. But after those two drop out of school and go back home (one to alcoholism and the other "back to the blanket"), Chal has his own troubles with white society, and he keeps needing to wander in the countryside, away from people. He has some success when he drops out of college to join what later became the Air Force, but when he eventually leaves the military, his life seems to fall apart. The Osages have all become wealthy with oil money, because they leased their land but not their mineral rights, but this money does not bring joy, at least not to Chal and his friends. (The story of the Osages is quite interesting -- they actually bought their own reservation in Oklahoma after they were forced to move there from Kansas. I heard in a podcast that they chose the land because it wasn't good farmland, so that no one would ever bother them again, but then it turned out to have vast oil reserves. Oh well.)

Chal continues to feel the pull of the traditional life, especially since his old friend Sun-on-his-Wings has embraced it fully, but also to be ashamed of Indians who do not act "civilized," in his view. For example, when his father dies, he is both moved and embarrassed by some of his Osage relatives who chant the "song of death" in front of white people. Once he is out driving with some white friends when they pass his house, and his white friend Nelson points it out.

Afterward, he believed that Nelson had known and had pointed out the house with a purpose, because just as they were passing, two tall, blanketed Indians came out. One was an old man and the other was still in middle age. They came quickly, regally out of the house, and behind them was Chal's mother, watching them leave.
     "Ha ha ha ha ha ha," laughed Nelson, "look, who's that, ole Kick-a-Hole-in-the-Sky and Rain-in-the-Face -- come to see you, Chal?"....

It would happen that Circling Hawk and his Uncle Fire Cloud should come out of the house at that time. Every time they came to town they came to the house; came in without knocking and walked back to the picture of John [Chal's father] hanging in a large, ornate frame which Chal knew to be very bad taste. Standing there looking up at the picture, they would chant the song of death. He wished they would stop it, it made his mother very sad, and when he heard it he felt as though he wanted to cry. Besides, they might come some time when he had someone there visiting him.

Near the end of the book, we hear a little about the Reign of Terror in the 1920s, when many Osage headright owners were murdered by whites. An Osage woman married a white man who proceeded to kill all her relatives and then try to kill her, so that he could inherit all those headrights. Chal's friend Running Elk is presented as one of the woman's relatives; he is one of the first killed. There was a recent book about this called Killers of the Flower Moon: The Osage Murders and the Birth of the FBI by David Grann, which I would like to read, and it is being made into a movie of the same name by Martin Scorsese. So, despite the Oklahoma state legislature's attempts to forbid any teaching about racism in the public schools, it looks like Hollywood is going to thwart their goal of burying history. I definitely want to see that movie.

Finally, I read The Surrounded by D'Arcy McNickle, published in 1936. McNickle was born in 1904, so he is the youngest of this group of writers, and was an enrolled member of the Salish-Kootenai tribes of the Flathead Indian Reservation in Montana, where The Surrounded is set. He was actually Cree-Metis through his mother, but she found refuge in the Salish community after fleeing Canada after the Metis leader Louis Riel was captured, and so her children became Salish-Kootenai as well. 

So finally we are out of Oklahoma -- but it's not unfamiliar territory, because the Flathead Reservation was also the setting of Cogewea, the Half-Blood, which I read in July. In fact, it feels very reminiscent of Cogewea. At the beginning of the novel, Archilde, the main character, returns to his father's ranch after a year or so of making his living as a fiddler in the white world. I kept feeling like I was back on Cogewea's ranch, but the family dynamics in The Surrounded are much harsher than hers. Archilde's father, Max Leon, is from Spain (McNickle's real father was an Irish American handyman), and he and Archilde's Salish mother Catherine, usually called the Old Lady, are estranged (McNickle's real parents divorced when he was nine). The father lives in the main house, taken care of by one of his adult daughters, and the mother lives in a separate cabin on the ranch, reminiscent of Cogewea's grandmother living off in a teepee (in fact, Archilde's mother muses at one point that she wishes she were in a teepee instead, but it is too much trouble to change now).

At first I didn't like the novel. None of the characters were happy, and none were sympathetic. But gradually they begin to relate to each other a little more -- Archilde makes friends with his young nephews, his father arranges for him to study the violin with one of the priests in town, he and his mother spend time together -- and as they begin to like each other more, I began to like them too. And as that happens, terrible things are set in motion. Archilde and his mother take a hunting trip together which ends in disaster, and the rest of the book is spent waiting for the repercussions of that trip to play out in full. As things got worse and worse, I liked Archilde and the other characters more and more. There isn't really a villain, with the possible exception of Sheriff Quigley, and maybe the Jesuit fathers who meant so well and did so much damage to the book's people.

So it's ultimately a very sad book, probably the saddest of the three. Sundown is sad too, but you always have the sense that Chal could possibly change his life, if he would only try. Archilde, in The Surrounded, is simply doomed. He is "surrounded"; he has nowhere to go. McNickle is perhaps the most political of the three writers (with Mathews a close second), but he earns his claims -- they arise organically out of the story, and you believe them. McNickle was in fact a Native American activist, and also worked at the Bureau of Indian Affairs during the 1930s and 1940s when the Bureau was really trying to make changes in the way Indians were treated. The Surrounded was his first book and he went on to write several others, both fiction and nonfiction. 

The more I read, the more I want to read. There are biographies of both Mathews and McNickle, neither of which our library owns (of course), but I could buy them online. I could read more by all three authors. I could read Killers of the Flower Moon. And of course I could read my next book for the Challenge -- probably in October.

Sunday, September 26, 2021

Late September

We're down to the last week of September and I feel like the month went by very quickly. But I guess plenty of little things happened. Five more days until October -- and the stores are sure ready for that month to begin. Halloween everywhere. I bought some little pumpkins and a Halloween three-tiered candy dish at Target a few weeks ago -- now finally they won't look out of place. Isn't the bird on top nice? Of course the bird is why I bought it.

Last night, toward the end of my walk, I headed down 33rd Street toward home, past a woman putting up Halloween decorations. It was getting fairly dark and I could hear a great-horned owl nearby. Seeing me, the woman called out, "I'm decorating for Halloween and there's an owl hooting!" She sounded so pleased. I said something inane like "Can't beat that." Then I went a little further down the street and hooted back at the owl. Great-horned owl is the ONE bird I can reliably imitate. The owl and I hooted back and forth at each other as I walked down the street.

I continue to feel physically good, though sleepy -- I seem to need more and more sleep as the nights get longer. Last night I was reading and just couldn't put the book down, because I needed to take it back to the library today and wanted to read as much of it as possible before relinquishing it. So I ended up turning my light off at 1:30 am, something that I've been TRYING not to do anymore. And I woke up at 10 am! But I sure felt rested. Tonight I'll try to turn off the light by 11:30, maybe earlier. I've been doing that a lot recently and it does help. 

It wasn't a productive week, but I got everything done that I had planned -- Teen B's medical appointments on Monday, breakfast with my traveling cousin and his wife on Tuesday, Teen A's orthodontist appointment on Wednesday, and a school-related meeting for Teen B on Thursday. And that's about it, except for some cooking -- I made a big pot of chili which fed us for a few nights, and later in the week I baked a batch of cookies. Oh, and I did finally get one other important thing done. Friday afternoon I took the broken vacuum cleaner to a new vacuum repair shop. It works like a dream now, better than I remember it working in years. So this coming week I plan to do some serious vacuuming. 

I was so frightened to go to the shop, it was awful. I had called the previous week and found out when they were open and what to do, but actually doing it was dreadful. I was sure they would laugh at me, criticize me for doing something wrong, tell me the vacuum wasn't fixable, try to sell me an expensive new one... there seemed to be no end to the terrible things that might happen if I set foot inside the shop. As I drove across town I tried desperately to think about how I was doing a good thing, and the store would surely want my business. And as it turned out, there was no hard sell, no criticism, and the guy fixed it on the spot. He replaced the belt, cleaned the brush, and I also bought some vacuum cleaner bags, but the total cost was less than $20. I thought, "How can a store stay alive in Boulder charging so little?" I was glad I'd been their customer that day. 

But I wish I could figure out how not to be so afraid.

Speaking of being afraid, since Halloween is on its way, I decided to get some scary books from the library. I've been reading a whole series of depressing books by and about Indians (there will be another Classics Challenge blog post in a few days) and I decided after I finish the current book I will take a break and focus on Halloween. So I looked on the library website and searched up Halloween books (with the Audience category set to "adult" or "general" -- we have enough children's books about the holiday). All it came up with were silly cozy mysteries with a Halloween theme (a seemingly endless list), a few books by Ray Bradbury which of course I've read, and some nonfiction. So I went for the nonfiction -- books about witches and supernatural "true" crime books and a book on the history of Halloween. Add to that some supernatural mysteries and regular mysteries and a ghost book or two, and it should be a pleasant reading month.

I cannot seem to shake my current depression, so I'm trying to live with it. This past week was the anniversary of Chester's death last year, and though I didn't do anything to observe it, it's possible that sadness from that pervaded my thoughts this week. 

Life is sad. Cats die, dogs die. People we love die, of old age and cancer and of Covid because they believed other people's lies about the vaccines. Politicians make stupid decisions that affect people's lives and the health of the planet. People get furiously angry at each other because of politics. People shoot and kill each other for no other reason than that they have a gun and decide to use it. And, less dramatically, Rocket Boy lives in Missouri, where we can't take care of him, and he's missing what's left of the twins' childhood. And another year is ending. Life is sad.

But I know it's not the only way to look at things. It's possible to have all these things be true and still not be sad. You can look at everything that's wrong and say, well, it's unfortunate, but hey, I woke up again today and it's a beautiful day and I'm happy to be alive in it. And let's see what we can do today to make things better.

So that's always the goal -- try to feel that way, not the other way. Sometimes I can do it, sometimes I can't. It's always a good idea to aim to be nice to other people (and cats) and also to try to get some things done, like dishes and laundry and long walks among the changing leaves. 

One nice thing: Teen B sometimes goes for my walks with me. Sometimes both twins go, but that's usually only after I talk them into it. But Teen B is starting to want to talk to me more, so he joins me on my walks in order to tell me what happened in science or PE that day. No confessions: he doesn't have anything terribly important to tell me. He just wants to share. It's adorable. I can't tell him how adorable it is, because then he'll stop doing it.

There's very little on the agenda for the week ahead. Priscilla's 4th birthday is Wednesday, so we'll have a little party for her, poor kitty. I actually bought her a special present on Etsy. She likes to sleep on an old dog bed that we have -- it never belonged to a dog -- I think it came from a free pile, or possibly a thrift store, and Teen B used to have it on his bed as a pillow until it got too ratty (and the bed got too crowded) and was banished to the living room floor. I thought about getting Sillers a new bed, but then I thought maybe a new cover for the existing bed would be simpler. So I ordered a handmade pink fleece cover from a crafter on Etsy, because Sillers likes pink. I haven't taken it out of the package yet, because I don't want her to see it, that's how crazy I am.

Anyway, on Wednesday we'll open it up and put it on the dog bed, and hopefully Priscilla will like it. I'll also get or make a little cake, which of course she won't eat. Should be fun. 

Other than that, I don't know. Just an ordinary week. I'll work on the novel, study my master to-do list. Maybe in next Sunday's blog I'll come up with some plans for the last quarter of the year, like I used to do. For now I'm just going to plan to get through the week, nothing special except the cat's birthday party. Keep on keeping on, waiting for the sadness to dissipate and blow away.

Sunday, September 19, 2021

Heading into fall

I am better. I believe I can say that with full confidence. The shaking is over. I can cut up a peach with no worries about handling the knife. I'm down to two doses of calcium a day (three pills each time) and I keep forgetting to take it because I don't have symptoms anymore. (I have to go on taking this much for at least six months, maybe longer, due to bone loss caused by the parathyroid problem.) I wish I could have my parathyroid checked now, but it's still a month till my appointment with the endocrinologist. That's fine -- there's no rush anymore.

So now I get to go back to feeling better, like I was starting to after the surgery, before everything suddenly went wrong. It's now hard to remember how I felt before the surgery, but I'm trying, because the comparison is important. I need to remember: back THEN I felt awful in these ways, and NOW I am feeling better in those ways. If I don't remember, I'll just let my chronic depression tell me I'm not feeling good, and that would be wrong.

Here are some differences:

  1. Before, I was so weak I could hardly do anything, and certainly not more than one task. If I did the dishes, I would then have to lie down for a few hours. Now, after I do the dishes, I can do the laundry or clean the cat boxes. I often don't, because I don't want to, but I can. Also, sometimes I'll lie down because I think I need to, and then realize I'm actually fine and get up and do something else.
  2. This is really the same as #1, but I can do more than one major thing during a day. I can have an appointment, clean things, make dinner, and do something in the evening. I don't wear out after doing one thing. Again, I may not want to do lots of things, but I can.
  3. Before, I could only go on short walks in the evening, 15 minutes at most. I didn't get better from day to day, week to week. Now I can walk for 25-30 minutes, even if I'm tired. I hope to gradually increase that to 45-50 minutes, but I'm happy with this for now.

It will be interesting to see how I feel when Rocket Boy comes for his next visit. He usually wants to do several things every day, and I had gotten into the habit of refusing almost everything: "You take the kids, I need to rest." I was making those refusals because of fatigue, but will things be different now? We will have to see.

My mental health is different too. I'm feeling less anxiety. This has been replaced by depression, which is not all that great of a tradeoff, but look at it this way: depression is familiar. I've lived my whole adult life with some form of depression, usually fairly mild. What was weird for me was this constant, free-floating anxiety, like every moment I was afraid the world would end.

I still feel like the world is going to end, but that's because I'm depressed. Which is different. I may not be able to explain this to those of you who aren't familiar with both depression and anxiety, but I'll try.

Anxiety: OMG, everything is so terrible, I shouldn't have done whatever it is I just did, the world is ending, the twins will flunk out of high school, start smoking, and live at home until they're 45, and it's ALL MY FAULT, and what about this and what about that and OMG OMG...

Depression: Oh, the world is so sad. I don't know if I can bear to read the news today. I guess I'll play some computer solitaire. Wow, two hours just went by. Guess I might as well put away the clean dishes. It's time for lunch, but nothing appeals to me. Guess I'll have cereal. 

Depression (at least the low-key version I usually have) is slower, calmer. There's time to think about things (or try not to think about things, if all I can come up with is sadness). My worries seem less critically important, they're just there. I'm not as important -- of course, that's not so good because it's related to feeling worthless. But still. It's easier to fall asleep with depression. Anxiety keeps you awake.

A question that came up for me several times this week was this: what would make me feel better?

  • I'm hungry, what can I eat that would make me feel good? Sometimes it was cereal -- maybe with one of the last fresh peaches cut up over it -- sometimes it was Icelandic yogurt, because I needed the protein. Sometimes it was Halloween candy (yes, we have some already), but not to excess.
  • I'm sad about how messy the house is, what can I do about it? Maybe it's time to take the vacuum cleaner to the repair shop. (I almost did this -- I called a shop to find out how to do it. I think I will do it this coming week.)
  • My life feels so small, so closed in. How can I open it up? On Tuesday night I left the twins at home and went to the Faculty Tuesday concert at CU -- it featured music for the oboe and was oh, so beautiful. And when I got home, all was chaos. But I'm still glad I went.
  • I haven't had any fun in so long. What would be fun? Answers included buying little Halloween costumes for the cats (just a few dollars each, and no, I don't expect them to wear them longer than a minute or two, which is why we haven't tried them on them yet, waiting for Halloween).
  • It's bedtime and everything seems hopeless. Oh, but first thing in the morning I will make a pot of tea, all for me. And I go to sleep thinking about that first cup of hot black tea with milk.

I was helped in some of this, I think, by that master to-do list I made last week, and also by my new experiment of writing a "done" list instead of a to-do list. Those "done" lists continue to be illuminating. Some days I didn't do a lot; other days I kept writing things on the list, one after another, hard to keep up. Somehow it's easier to look at a "done" list and say to myself, what will be the next thing I write on the list? rather than look at a to-do list and say to myself, OK, which thing on the list must I do next? Actually, those sound the same. But they aren't, somehow.

Some days, though, I didn't care if I wrote anything on the list (I don't put computer solitaire on the list, or reading for pleasure, or doom-scrolling, only things that feel like accomplishments). And that was OK too. Some days are like that.

This coming week is going to be a little busier than usual and I'm not really looking forward to it. What do we have ahead of us?

  • Monday, Teen B has two medical appointments early in the morning. I wrote on the calendar: "8:15 ultrasound (15 minutes early)" and I wasn't sure whether that meant the appointment was actually at 8:15 or perhaps at 8:30, with 8:15 being the 15-minutes-early time. Fortunately, Children's Hospital just called and a robot voice told me the appointment is at 8:00, which I assume means 8:15 but who knows. I think I will get up at 6:45, maybe even 6:30, so we can leave by 7:15 or just a little later, since Google Maps unhelpfully told me that it will take between 22 and 40 minutes to get there. Sigh. I wrote down that his second appointment, with an actual doctor, is at 9:30 -- so we should get there at 9:15 -- but I got a separate call from the robot telling me the appointment is at 9:20 but we should be there 15 minutes early, which I guess means 9:05? Sigh again. I've forgotten the name of the doctor we're seeing, but I think we'll be OK if we just go to the right department (I do remember that much).
  • Monday night, my book group finally meets! We haven't met since late June. And this meeting will include Karen, who retired to Philadelphia a year ago and who we all miss so much -- she and her husband are in town for a week. I just wish it wasn't on Monday night, when I'll probably be terribly tired after the morning's activities. But I'll have a good time anyway.
  • My cousin Jeff and his wife started a massive cross-country trip a few days ago, and Tuesday morning they are coming to Boulder to have breakfast/brunch with me. I think we will just go to the Southside Walnut Cafe, because the usual tourist spots (the Teahouse, the Chautauqua Dining Hall) don't open until 11 am on weekdays. It will be fun to see them. But I am slightly worried that they might also come by the house, which means I should clean it. I'm thinking it might be enough to clean the bathroom (which needs it) and spruce up the living room a little, or maybe a lot. Then there's the kitchen. Hmm.
  • Teen A has an orthodontist appointment at 4:00 pm on Wednesday, so I will pick him up at school at 3:45 and drive frantically to Dr. Walker's office. 
  • I may have a Zoom meeting on Thursday with Teen B's counselor and another staff member, but that isn't definite yet.

So, it will be a busy week, compared to some. But doable. I think. 

We didn't do anything fun this weekend, other than have dinner at Chili's on Saturday night. The kids have so much homework now! And they're so bad about doing it, and they want me to be involved in every aspect of it. How do you get beyond that? I guess we'll work on that gradually.

What I wanted to do this weekend was go to the mountains and look at the fall coming. But they say the fall color hasn't started -- maybe next weekend. I'd like to go to the cabin, see what it looks like on Kenosha Pass. I can't imagine doing that without Rocket Boy. Hmm, I don't know. One thing at a time. First I have to get through tomorrow (Monday) and then the rest of the week. And then we'll see.

Sunday, September 12, 2021

Time management. And pie. And cake.

This was a mixed week. For much of the week I felt better, much less shaky, but on Thursday I made a pie (a heavenly blueberry-peach crumb which the twins inhaled) and noticed that it was hard to manipulate the knife to peel and cut up the peaches. I started wondering if maybe the shakiness is unrelated to my parathyroid and calcium levels. But I don't know what else it could be. Just tiredness? Too much caffeine? Or am I developing an essential tremor, like my father had? But it's not just my hand, and anyway, my hand doesn't exactly shake, it's just hard to control the small movements.

I did finally hear back from my surgeon a couple days ago, a message that said my lab work was fine. I wrote him back to ask why he considered it "fine" when my parathyroid hormone level was below normal. He wrote right back, saying that it was normal for the PTH to be low, that it comes up gradually as you heal.

Well! It would have been nice if someone had told me that a few weeks ago! But good to know it now.

So, I'm just going along, taking my calcium, and trying to eat right and exercise every day, get enough sleep, all that. And I think I'm gradually getting better. I'm also much less nauseated -- that's a problem that dates back to February, when I started taking metformin, and seemed to get worse as my calcium got higher, and then bad again when I developed these post-surgical problems. Having the nausea go away is great! except that it means I'm going to start gaining weight again if I'm not careful. Last night the kids and I ate out at IHOP (our usual Saturday night dinner out) and I ordered grilled tilapia with broccoli, rice, and a salad, from the over-55 section of the menu. It was very sad.

This week I picked up a book from the library that I had put on hold after reading a review of it: Four Thousand Weeks: Time Management for Mortals by Oliver Burkeman. It's a great book for people like me who are always trying to manage their time while failing utterly. He basically shows that we can't manage time because our time is who we are, we are nothing more than our time. Four thousand weeks of it, to be exact (on average).

Many of the points he makes in the book are things I'd already realized, but each time I've come to one of those realizations I think I'm being a pessimist. A defeatist. A giver-upper. How lovely to find all those ideas in this book. Like, let me look for an example... well, OK, people often think if you get your life organized enough, you will have time for all the things you want to do. First of all, Burkeman says, you will never have time for all the things you think you want to do, so just forget that one out of hand. Also, if you get good at doing certain things quickly, such as responding to email, that task will just multiply, because all the people you respond to will respond right back to you quickly, and then you'll have even more email to answer. 

One piece of advice often given in time-management books (such as Getting Things Done by David Allen, which I started reading a while back and then put on hold because I decided I couldn't follow its advice until I made room in the file cabinets, a task which is also on hold) is to do the easy stuff immediately, get it off your desk. Respond to that email, answer that phone call, do that little cleaning task. The problem is, as Burkeman notes, that you can spend all day -- every day -- doing those little tasks and never get to any of the bigger things you supposedly want to work on. 

That isn't necessarily a bad thing. Maybe you don't actually want to do the big project. Maybe you just want to have a happy little life with all the little things taken care of. I think parenthood involves a lot of that. Often I feel as though all those little things are what my life consists of. Sign that form, help the kids with homework, do the laundry, make dinner, do the dishes, feed the cats.

But if you do want to do the big projects, like write the novel I'm messing around with, you'll probably need to let more of the little things slide. Have a very messy house. Let the email pile up. You don't have time to do everything, not even close to everything, so figure out what you really want to do and do that instead of (all) the little things. You can't do it all.

Like on Thursday, I wanted to make this pie. I had numerous other things, big and small, clamoring for my attention, but I decided to make the pie. It took a long time, especially since I cleaned the kitchen first (and then had to clean it again afterwards). In fact, it took most of the afternoon. That's another one of Burkeman's points: tasks always take a lot longer than you think they will. They perversely refuse to correspond to the schedule you have set up for them. Live with it. Things take the time they take.

One thing Burkeman doesn't really talk about is that you can be both -- you can be the person who messes around doing little jobs on one day and the person who focuses on the big stuff another day. And the person who spends several hours playing computer solitaire on yet another day. Time management books always seem to assume that you'll be one kind of person (a frantically productive one) all the time, but I doubt if very many people are. I'm not. When I spend a few days working on an "important" job I start to think that I want to be that kind of person all the time, and then I get cross with myself when those three productive days are followed by three weeks of nonsense. But guess what? That's life. I can't really picture myself doing important stuff every day. Now and then seems to be the best I can do.

I was momentarily diverted by a section on productivity that had three principles (I love lists like this). The three principles are as follows:

  1. Pay yourself first. Do your important work first and leave the niggling stuff for later. In other words, I should write a chapter of my novel in the morning, and leave the dishes and email for the afternoon. Sometimes I do this. Sometimes I play computer solitaire instead.
  2. Limit your work in progress. This means that you should have no more than three projects going at once. It sounds good, and Burkeman says it "produced a startlingly large effect" on his life. But I am not sure what counts as a project for me. The novel, certainly. But does the Classics Challenge count? Since I'm always reading, and the books for the CC just get wrapped into my regular reading, I'm not sure that's a project. What about the sewing machine (out of its box but still not yet used)? Is something a project if you're feeling stuck and can't seem to start it? And what about cleaning the house? Is that a project, or just one of those little things that prevent me from "paying myself first"? Maybe the files are a project and vacuuming isn't. It's a puzzle.
  3. Resist the allure of middling priorities. This means that you should not get distracted by things that you also want to do, but which you've decided aren't as important as your three big things. But again, I have trouble with this. Is the sewing project important, or is it a "middling priority"? If I want to take a break from the novel and outline the next book in the series (ha ha), does that count as part of the same project or not?

In another section Burkeman talks about capitalism, and the American way of making as much money as possible, supposedly so that we can retire and enjoy ourselves. But another way to approach life is to make less money and enjoy ourselves more along the way, which is what has always appealed to me. On the Zoom call with my old grad school friends and advisor last weekend, my advisor asked me, "Do you think you'll ever work again?"

I felt guilty. This man spent countless hours dragging me through my PhD program. And here I am at 61, unemployed, not much to show for myself, not getting a lot done. Not working for pay. I can't remember exactly how I answered, but the gist is that I don't know. Maybe, maybe not. I don't have any great desire to get a job. Maybe if I could think of a really fun job (and "fun" for me is not necessarily what others would consider fun), I would do it. But I have no great desire to work again. If we need the money, of course, I will have to.

In the meantime, I am a lazy slob. If I got more serious about writing, or even if I decided to devote myself to housekeeping and cooking, it would be easier to justify my current existence. But if I'm being honest, I seem to like taking things slow. Reading fanatically, writing sporadically, enjoying the twins' company, playing with the cats, taking walks in the evenings. Making the occasional pie.

Here's a typical quote from Burkeman (he says things like this all through the book):

Our obsession with extracting the greatest future value out of our time blinds us to the reality that, in fact, the moment of truth is always now--that life is nothing but a succession of present moments, culminating in death, and that you'll probably never get to a point where you feel you have things in perfect working order.
And, of course, if by some miracle you do get to that point, immediately afterwards something will break.

And yet. And yet. Isn't housework all about this? When you're managing a home, even doing it very badly, as I do, every day you are attempting to put things (back) into perfect working order. Then it all falls apart and you start over. That's the very nature of running a home. It is Sisyphean.

But that aside, of course he's right. The moment of truth is always now.

He talks about how awful to-do lists are, and of course I had already read this in Getting Things Done. When David Allen told me to-do lists were terrible, I ignored him, because I love to-do lists. But when Oliver Burkeman told me they're awful, I paid a little more attention. It is absolutely true that I have a hard time getting my to-do lists done anymore. I am currently the Queen of Not Doing Things on To-Do Lists. 

The thing about to-do lists is that they work well when you have a bunch of things you have to do that day -- meetings, classes, appointments. But I don't have a lot of those going on right now. On a typical day I have either one or none. Quite often none. The things I must do are so simple and repetitive that it's really a waste of time to put them on a list: get the kids up, feed the kids, get the kids out the door to school, feed the cats, feed myself. And at the end of the day: make dinner, get the kids to bed, feed the cats again, take a shower. In between, there's a lot of open space. I have many things I need to do and would like to do, to fill that space. But the world won't really end if I go to the grocery store on Tuesday instead of Monday, or if I clean the bathroom next week (or month) rather than this week. I have a lot of flexibility.

So when I make a to-do list that says I will do x, y, and z today, it's kind of arbitrary. And sometimes, especially when I make the list the night before, by the time I'm looking at the list, ready to do the next thing, it isn't what I want to do anymore. So I do nothing, because the things I might want to do aren't on the list, and I've forgotten about them.

Two things from the books that I'm experimenting with right now, both very interesting:

1. From Burkeman, a "done" list instead of a to-do list. The last four days I've written down each thing I've accomplished. No plans, no to-do list -- just going along through my day doing whatever I think of, or whatever jumps into my face and demands doing. These "done" lists are illuminating. For instance, yesterday (Saturday)'s list includes this stretch of accomplishments: 
  • Cut up a peach for Teen A
  • Cut up another peach for Teen A
  • Fixed Brazi Bites for Teen B
  • Cleaned kitchen, loaded dishwasher
  • Made a schedule for weekend homework (with twins' input)
  • Encouraged Teen B to do 15 minutes of Membean (language arts homework)
  • Helped Teen B with math homework
  • Made cinnamon toast for Teen A
  • Helped Teen A with math homework
  • Made a smoothie for everyone
  • Made ramen for the twins
  • Cleaned the kitchen again, finished loading the dishwasher and ran it

It seems, from this list, incredibly obvious why I never get anything done when the twins are around. Of course, they should do some of this food preparation themselves -- Teen A could surely cut up his own peaches -- but I was trying to keep them in a good mood, due to all the homework. The days of no homework on the weekends are apparently over. There was a lot more today, too.

I doubt if I would make a "done" list every day. It seems like something you would do if you wanted to encourage yourself to do things, but not worry about if you didn't feel like you needed it. Maybe it's a way to wean myself off to-do lists. I'll see.

2. A "master to-do list" instead of a daily one. This is kind of from both books, although Burkeman calls it an "open list" and Allen calls it a list of "incompletion triggers." The idea is to dump all your possible, nagging to-do's into one giant list so you don't lose them, even things you probably will never do but keep thinking about. That way you (supposedly) can stop thinking about them -- if one pops into your head at 3 am you can tell yourself, don't worry, it's on the list (or you can get up, put it on the list, and go back to sleep). 

I've started a master list -- it has over 160 items on it so far, and I know I'm missing lots of things. I plan to work on it for a while and then print out a copy to refer to. The list, I must say, is fascinating. I quickly realized David Allen's sample list was missing a lot of things I needed (it was obviously written by a man with a wife who runs the household). Oliver Burkeman doesn't provide a sample list, per se, but the examples he gives lead me to believe that he is a renter, not a homeowner. My list has the following categories:

  • Housework
  • Yard work
  • Home maintenance
  • Food
  • Shopping / Errands
  • Clothes / Linens
  • Finances / Planning
  • Technology
  • Cars
  • Personal / Medical Care
  • Cat Care
  • Twin Care
  • Husband Care
  • Writing
  • Reading
  • Hobbies & Avocations
  • Activities
  • Social / Political
  • Special Days (i.e., holidays, birthdays)

I don't know if these are all the categories I need, or whether I actually need all of these. I'm just playing with the concept right now. But it's really interesting to see what goes in each category. For example, I wasn't sure I needed a "Reading" category (couldn't it be part of "Hobbies"?), but it turns out it has nine things in it (so far). There's all the planning I do, and the recording of what I read, and the different places I find books, and the culling of bookshelves when they threaten to collapse. It's an important part of my life -- it makes sense that it would have a lot of tasks associated with it.

Laid out like this, the responsibilities of my life seem so different from how I usually view them. I wake up in the morning feeling bad, because I have all these things to do that I don't want to do (clean things, cook things, call people I don't want to call). But looking at my master list, which also includes "Halloween cards" and those nine tasks related to reading, makes me feel peaceful and happy. What a nice life I have, I think.

So anyway, a lot of thoughts about mostly a lot of nothing, but I do feel as though I had a few epiphanies while doing this. 

Onward into the middle of September. Today is Rocket Boy's 67th birthday. I got a cake for him, and we ate some of it already (I called him, but he didn't answer, probably off adventuring somewhere). I'm trying not to feel wistful about all that. He doesn't like his birthday anyway, doesn't like the idea of turning older. But we all are doing that. And it would have been nice to celebrate with him. Well, I'm sure we'll talk tonight. 

Post-Note: I just noticed I left the "H" out of "Birthday"! Birtday, for heaven's sake. And no one noticed, because I'm the editor in the family. Sigh. Probably a good thing if I don't go back to work!