Heading into fall

I am better. I believe I can say that with full confidence. The shaking is over. I can cut up a peach with no worries about handling the knife. I'm down to two doses of calcium a day (three pills each time) and I keep forgetting to take it because I don't have symptoms anymore. (I have to go on taking this much for at least six months, maybe longer, due to bone loss caused by the parathyroid problem.) I wish I could have my parathyroid checked now, but it's still a month till my appointment with the endocrinologist. That's fine -- there's no rush anymore.

So now I get to go back to feeling better, like I was starting to after the surgery, before everything suddenly went wrong. It's now hard to remember how I felt before the surgery, but I'm trying, because the comparison is important. I need to remember: back THEN I felt awful in these ways, and NOW I am feeling better in those ways. If I don't remember, I'll just let my chronic depression tell me I'm not feeling good, and that would be wrong.

Here are some differences:

1. Before, I was so weak I could hardly do anything, and certainly not more than one task. If I did the dishes, I would then have to lie down for a few hours. Now, after I do the dishes, I can do the laundry or clean the cat boxes. I often don't, because I don't want to, but I can. Also, sometimes I'll lie down because I think I need to, and then realize I'm actually fine and get up and do something else.
   
2. This is really the same as #1, but I can do more than one major thing during a day. I can have an appointment, clean things, make dinner, and do something in the evening. I don't wear out after doing one thing. Again, I may not want to do lots of things, but I can.
   
3. Before, I could only go on short walks in the evening, 15 minutes at most. I didn't get better from day to day, week to week. Now I can walk for 25-30 minutes, even if I'm tired. I hope to gradually increase that to 45-50 minutes, but I'm happy with this for now.

It will be interesting to see how I feel when Rocket Boy comes for his next visit. He usually wants to do several things every day, and I had gotten into the habit of refusing almost everything: "You take the kids, I need to rest." I was making those refusals because of fatigue, but will things be different now? We will have to see.

My mental health is different too. I'm feeling less anxiety. This has been replaced by depression, which is not all that great of a tradeoff, but look at it this way: depression is familiar. I've lived my whole adult life with some form of depression, usually fairly mild. What was weird for me was this constant, free-floating anxiety, like every moment I was afraid the world would end.

I still feel like the world is going to end, but that's because I'm depressed. Which is different. I may not be able to explain this to those of you who aren't familiar with both depression and anxiety, but I'll try.

Anxiety: OMG, everything is so terrible, I shouldn't have done whatever it is I just did, the world is ending, the twins will flunk out of high school, start smoking, and live at home until they're 45, and it's ALL MY FAULT, and what about this and what about that and OMG OMG...

Depression: Oh, the world is so sad. I don't know if I can bear to read the news today. I guess I'll play some computer solitaire. Wow, two hours just went by. Guess I might as well put away the clean dishes. It's time for lunch, but nothing appeals to me. Guess I'll have cereal. 

Depression (at least the low-key version I usually have) is slower, calmer. There's time to think about things (or try not to think about things, if all I can come up with is sadness). My worries seem less critically important, they're just there. I'm not as important -- of course, that's not so good because it's related to feeling worthless. But still. It's easier to fall asleep with depression. Anxiety keeps you awake.

A question that came up for me several times this week was this: what would make me feel better?

• I'm hungry, what can I eat that would make me feel good? Sometimes it was cereal -- maybe with one of the last fresh peaches cut up over it -- sometimes it was Icelandic yogurt, because I needed the protein. Sometimes it was Halloween candy (yes, we have some already), but not to excess.
  
• I'm sad about how messy the house is, what can I do about it? Maybe it's time to take the vacuum cleaner to the repair shop. (I almost did this -- I called a shop to find out how to do it. I think I will do it this coming week.)
• My life feels so small, so closed in. How can I open it up? On Tuesday night I left the twins at home and went to the Faculty Tuesday concert at CU -- it featured music for the oboe and was oh, so beautiful. And when I got home, all was chaos. But I'm still glad I went.
  
• I haven't had any fun in so long. What would be fun? Answers included buying little Halloween costumes for the cats (just a few dollars each, and no, I don't expect them to wear them longer than a minute or two, which is why we haven't tried them on them yet, waiting for Halloween).
• It's bedtime and everything seems hopeless. Oh, but first thing in the morning I will make a pot of tea, all for me. And I go to sleep thinking about that first cup of hot black tea with milk.
  

I was helped in some of this, I think, by that master to-do list I made last week, and also by my new experiment of writing a "done" list instead of a to-do list. Those "done" lists continue to be illuminating. Some days I didn't do a lot; other days I kept writing things on the list, one after another, hard to keep up. Somehow it's easier to look at a "done" list and say to myself, what will be the next thing I write on the list? rather than look at a to-do list and say to myself, OK, which thing on the list must I do next? Actually, those sound the same. But they aren't, somehow.

Some days, though, I didn't care if I wrote anything on the list (I don't put computer solitaire on the list, or reading for pleasure, or doom-scrolling, only things that feel like accomplishments). And that was OK too. Some days are like that.

This coming week is going to be a little busier than usual and I'm not really looking forward to it. What do we have ahead of us?

• Monday, Teen B has two medical appointments early in the morning. I wrote on the calendar: "8:15 ultrasound (15 minutes early)" and I wasn't sure whether that meant the appointment was actually at 8:15 or perhaps at 8:30, with 8:15 being the 15-minutes-early time. Fortunately, Children's Hospital just called and a robot voice told me the appointment is at 8:00, which I assume means 8:15 but who knows. I think I will get up at 6:45, maybe even 6:30, so we can leave by 7:15 or just a little later, since Google Maps unhelpfully told me that it will take between 22 and 40 minutes to get there. Sigh. I wrote down that his second appointment, with an actual doctor, is at 9:30 -- so we should get there at 9:15 -- but I got a separate call from the robot telling me the appointment is at 9:20 but we should be there 15 minutes early, which I guess means 9:05? Sigh again. I've forgotten the name of the doctor we're seeing, but I think we'll be OK if we just go to the right department (I do remember that much).
  
• Monday night, my book group finally meets! We haven't met since late June. And this meeting will include Karen, who retired to Philadelphia a year ago and who we all miss so much -- she and her husband are in town for a week. I just wish it wasn't on Monday night, when I'll probably be terribly tired after the morning's activities. But I'll have a good time anyway.
• My cousin Jeff and his wife started a massive cross-country trip a few days ago, and Tuesday morning they are coming to Boulder to have breakfast/brunch with me. I think we will just go to the Southside Walnut Cafe, because the usual tourist spots (the Teahouse, the Chautauqua Dining Hall) don't open until 11 am on weekdays. It will be fun to see them. But I am slightly worried that they might also come by the house, which means I should clean it. I'm thinking it might be enough to clean the bathroom (which needs it) and spruce up the living room a little, or maybe a lot. Then there's the kitchen. Hmm.
  
• Teen A has an orthodontist appointment at 4:00 pm on Wednesday, so I will pick him up at school at 3:45 and drive frantically to Dr. Walker's office. 
• I may have a Zoom meeting on Thursday with Teen B's counselor and another staff member, but that isn't definite yet.
  

So, it will be a busy week, compared to some. But doable. I think. 

We didn't do anything fun this weekend, other than have dinner at Chili's on Saturday night. The kids have so much homework now! And they're so bad about doing it, and they want me to be involved in every aspect of it. How do you get beyond that? I guess we'll work on that gradually.

What I wanted to do this weekend was go to the mountains and look at the fall coming. But they say the fall color hasn't started -- maybe next weekend. I'd like to go to the cabin, see what it looks like on Kenosha Pass. I can't imagine doing that without Rocket Boy. Hmm, I don't know. One thing at a time. First I have to get through tomorrow (Monday) and then the rest of the week. And then we'll see.