Goodbye March, hello April

Whew! We made it through horrible March -- and now we have horrible April ahead. But it's OK, I'm fine with that. It's going to be a difficult month, but it's the first month of spring (though we're still likely to get some snow), and the important thing is that March is over. Sunset today will be at 7:25 pm, so right there you know life is better. 

The other thing that's better is that we are home from St. Louis. We made it out there, we saw Rocket Boy through his surgery, and we made it home. What an achievement, and what a load off my mind. I was seriously dreading that, and it was seriously awful, but it's over.

Before we left Colorado we had a ridiculous experience that I still don't even want to think about. On Friday afternoon (we were to leave Sunday morning), Teen A got himself locked in the bathroom. That is, he unlocked the door after he was finished, but then the door simply wouldn't open. The cat-sitter was here, getting a refresh on how to take care of the cats, and she tried to help. I unscrewed the door knob and we took it off from both sides, but that did nothing. I gave Teen A a hammer through the window, and he got the pins out of the hinges, but that didn't help. The door would not budge. 

Ultimately, he used the hammer to rip the doorknob opening apart, and the door finally opened. And then he took everything apart, all the hardware, the hinges, everything, and we put the destroyed door on the patio, and then we didn't have a bathroom door. And we were leaving in a day and a half. We had to use the bathroom with no door, and that was interesting. It's still interesting. The walls in this house are thin and it's a fact that using the bathroom was already kind of a public experience -- that is, even with the door closed and locked and the fan on, you could still hear every toot. And now it's even more so. Plus, it's cold when you take a shower, because the steam can't build up.

I should note that we had no warning this was going to happen. That door had never shown the slightest unwillingness to open. Both Rocket Boy and I immediately jumped to the conclusion that supernatural powers were at work, possibly wanting Teen A not to go to St. Louis. I worried about Teen A the whole time we were there, but of course nothing bad happened -- to him, or to any of us.

After that nonsense, getting to St. Louis was easy. We caught the AB bus around 8:20 am, had plenty of time to hang out in the airport, the flight was uneventful (we got 3 seats together, despite our high boarding numbers), and Rocket Boy was there to meet us at the other end. It's interesting to me that I'm always delighted to see him. It never gets old. 

We spent a long time looking for a place to have lunch and finally ended up at Fitz's, which was one of the places the kids had definitely wanted to go on this trip. We all had gigantic floats (Fitz's specialty), except Rocket Boy who thinks floats are for dessert and thus almost never gets one. His loss.

Then it was back to the apartment, which seemed way too familiar, and Rocket Boy had to start getting ready for his surgery -- not eating, taking a shower with clean towels and all that. The next morning he and I got ready and left home at about 9:45 (we had to be there by 10:45). The hospital isn't that far away, but RB wanted to print out the list of his medications, so we had to go to a print shop first. What with one thing and another, we were about 5 minutes late to the appointment and you would have thought the world was ending -- multiple people called his cell phone and there was even a message on our home phone (which I discovered yesterday). But 5 minutes wasn't too much to cancel the surgery, so they took him in and I was left to wait in the same waiting room where I spent several hours in July 2022.

This surgery was much simpler, just liposuction. They made 8 incisions and took out about a liter of fat and whatnot. It was only about two hours from the time I kissed him goodbye until I was summoned into the recovery room. But it felt like a very long time. When the surgeon came to talk to me after the surgery, he looked at me funny and said, "Are you OK?" I wasn't OK, not at all. I was having some sort of residual reaction to the first surgery, I think, plus I was dreading the drive home. An orderly pushed Rocket Boy to the garage in a wheelchair and then waited for me to get the car. I hadn't driven the car since the summer of 2022, and I wasn't totally sure I even remembered how to start it. And driving in St. Louis? NOT my favorite thing to do. I just panicked. But I had to do it. I started the car, backed out, and drove over to where Rocket Boy was. And I got us home. But it was a nightmare. At one point I missed a turn and had to get on the highway, briefly, and I thought I would have a nervous breakdown. I was screaming and RB was trying to calm me down. 

My driving never really got any better. I drove a few more times on the trip -- to the grocery store, to restaurants -- and each time I was nervous and drove badly, very slowly, with my foot constantly hitting the brake. Finally it was decided that Teen A could use some driving practice, so he became the driver (with Rocket Boy sitting next to him, directing him). I had checked ahead of time: you can drive in Missouri with a permit from another state as long as you are at least 16 years old and have a parent, guardian, or grandparent with you in the front seat. I sat in the back seat with my eyes closed. God, I hate St. Louis traffic. But it was more than that. I just wasn't in good shape, mentally.

I was actually kind of afraid that when we got back to Boulder I wouldn't be able to drive here, either. But once I was back in my little Subaru, I was fine -- driving as natural as breathing. So it's something to do with Rocket Boy's car (a Toyota Highlander) and/or with St. Louis. I don't know.

So, let's see. What else did we do in St. Louis? Rocket Boy recovered pretty quickly, but he couldn't take his bandages off until Thursday and at first he was bleeding through them heavily. I kept telling him to go lie down, put his leg up. He slept a lot. I was just miserable, stressed, depressed. I felt that I should be taking care of Rocket Boy and also making sure the twins had a nice Spring Break, but I didn't seem able to do anything. I tried to follow what I think of as the Anne Lamott method: not so much asking Jesus for help, but trying to do whatever small thing I could do. So I did the dishes, and I did the laundry, and I tried to be nice to Teen B when he came down with a cold and was miserable. I took out the trash and recycling (with Teen A's help). I helped both boys with their homework (they both had reading). I didn't always manage any of that, but I tried. Little things, not big things.

One bit of excitement: Rocket Boy's apartment has mice! He had told me this before, but he said he hadn't seen one in a long time. But Teen B saw one the second day we were there. So we set a non-lethal trap -- and caught one. And another. And another. (We let them out on the front lawn.) And then one got caught at night after we'd gone to bed and it was rattling around in the trap and annoying Teen B, who slept in the little room just off the kitchen, so he got up and let it out, somehow breaking the trap in the process. So I guess now the mice have free rein in the kitchen. Not my problem anymore!

Food was a problem. I did not feel up to cooking, nor did I want to do the dishes that would result, so we ate out a lot. Tuesday I drove us (very slowly and badly) to a restaurant called Crusoe's that's walking distance from RB's apartment (but of course he couldn't walk). It was closed, but the adjoining bar was open and they had the same menu. The surprise that night was that a man at the bar paid our check! It was so nice of him, and I have no idea why he did it. Rocket Boy didn't really want to let him, but I was in Anne Lamott mode, so I was like, this is an angel, and we need to let him do his angel thing. It was wonderful.

Wednesday night we ate dinner at Joy Luck (the Chinese buffet where we ate in 2022 that everyone liked) and that was actually better than I remembered. Also, the prices hadn't gone up, and what seemed expensive in 2022 now seems normal, sigh. I drove us there and Teen A drove us back. Thursday we had a mediocre lunch at Gotham & Eggs (which used to be the terrible City Diner) and a delicious dinner at the South County Fitz's (more floats and Teen A drove), and Friday we ate lunch at a Mexican restaurant just down the street called Chimichanga's, and for dinner, Rocket Boy and Teen A went to a church that was having a fish fry and brought food back home (Teen A drove). 

My credit card bill is going to be exciting with all these dinners out, but I don't care. It was a necessary medical expense, and anyway, we didn't have a hotel bill and I paid the airline fares long ago. I did gain a few pounds on this trip, not surprisingly, but I'm not going to worry about that either.

The one activity the kids wanted to do was go to the top of the St. Louis Arch. I was going to take them on Tuesday, using Lyft, but the weather was bad that day, so we didn't go. Wednesday, Teen B was clearly sick with a cold and I didn't think I should take him somewhere he could infect other people. Thursday, Rocket Boy insisted that we go, illness be damned, so we all went. And it was kind of a disaster. Whereas the first time we went, in 2019, we were able to get tickets to ride the tram to the top right away, this time we would have had to wait four hours for a seat. Not only did we not want to wait four hours, but Rocket Boy had a job interview (via Zoom) that would be taking place at the same time. So we just walked around the museum and then left. Teen B was furious and miserable, a state which continued at the restaurant later and for the next couple of days. 

Rocket Boy really wanted to take us all to a town on the Mississippi River, in Illinois, where you have to ride a ferry to get to it -- he'd been telling me about it for weeks before the trip. And if Teen B hadn't gotten sick, maybe we would have done it. The thing was, the only person who really wanted to do this was Rocket Boy, and it sounded like it would be hard for him to do right after surgery. A lot of driving, and if Teen A drove, I would have had my eyes closed so wouldn't have seen anything anyway. Finally we convinced Rocket Boy that we shouldn't do that trip, but he was sad about it.

On Friday I finally got him to take me to the Missouri Botanical Garden, which was the one thing I wanted to do in St. Louis (see my description below, under hiking). And Saturday we left. Rocket Boy was really sad that we couldn't stay for Easter, but I had planned the trip to give the kids an extra day at home before going back to school. Today we are all just chilling out and that's a good thing. 

It kind of breaks my heart to think of RB home alone, though, with the jellybeans and chocolate eggs we bought at Schnuck's and the plastic eggs he'd gotten at a resale shop (and hidden around the apartment -- he was distressed because the kids weren't very interested in looking for them). But he is good at taking care of himself. After we left on Saturday he went to Fitz's for lunch (his third meal at Fitz's in a week), didn't have a float again, and then went to see "Dune 2" by himself. And he's probably fine today. But I feel sad.

***

I'll do a March resolution roundup, since it's the last day of the month.

1. Read at least 52 books, i.e., 1 per week. I read 11 books in March. That's 37 books so far this year.

2. Read biographies of at least 3 presidents. I'm going to leave Warren G. Harding for May. Nobody difficult in March or April!

3. See at least 24 movies, i.e., 2 per month. I didn't see a single movie this month, even though Rocket Boy had gotten several from the library that he thought we could watch together. I listened to a couple of them from the bedroom while he watched them.

4. Go to at least 12 special things, i.e., 1 per month. Teen B and I went to see the musical "Big Fish" at their high school and I enjoyed that a lot.

5. Continue blogging/write another novel. I've continued blogging, but I didn't work on my novel in March. Instead, I worked on my memoirs -- mostly because I wanted to write about March and why I hate it. In April, I don't know what I'll write. We'll see.

6. Take a walk every day and do a stretch video every morning. I took exactly 3 walks in March, on the 4th, 5th, and 6th. That's it (except for the "hike," see below). I did a lot of stretch videos, though -- on 16 different days. There was also one big shoveling day. I'm hoping I can get back into walking this month. It will depend on the weather.

7. Take a hike every month. I put this off until the last week of March, thinking we would hike in St. Louis -- and then it occurred to me that of course Rocket Boy wouldn't be able to hike, having just had surgery. However, on Friday I did finally convince him to go to the Missouri Botanical Garden, which I just knew would be beautiful at this time of year. And it was. So lovely. I used my app, so I know we walked 1.73 miles. It took us a little over an hour, so obviously we were walking pretty slowly (and it was probably too much for Rocket Boy, sigh). It's OK. I'm still calling it a hike.

The bulbs were at their best -- tulips, daffodils, hyacinths. The flowering trees might have been just past their prime, I'm not sure. But you know these gardens must be lovely from now through the fall. We walked through one area that was all daylilies -- none of them in bloom yet, probably 100 different varieties. I'd like to come back when they're blooming (except for the fact that I don't ever want to go back to St. Louis).

The one downside to the outing was that I left my sun hat in RB's car, so it didn't come home with us. But I think he'll mail it to me, so I'll have it before April 30th (when I take my April hike).

8. Take a load of stuff to either Goodwill or Charm every month. Almost didn't manage to do this, but on Friday before we left I filled a box and a bag with old clothes and took them to Goodwill. It really is a good idea to do this every month. We have endless things to give away.

9. Do something to improve my wardrobe every month. In March I worked on my sock drawer. I had thought I would also look at my shoes, but I barely managed to do the socks, so that was it for the month. I planned to get rid of things that don't fit or have holes or are uncomfortable and then I thought I would buy new socks. But it turned out that I had more socks than I realized -- like all these white socks that I'd forgotten about. And when I inserted the drawer dividers I'd gotten at Target, there was less room for new socks than I'd expected (i.e., none). So while I did throw out a lot of socks -- some in great condition, but I just can't wear them, they hurt my legs -- there were a lot left. So many, in fact, that I decided not to buy any new ones. I'll wear these for now, and if any of them turn out not to be good -- say, they fall down, or have holes -- I'll throw them out promptly, so that the drawer doesn't fill up with nonsense again.

In April I think I will work on shoes. I have perhaps a dozen pairs of shoes that I never wear, and it's time to let the good ones go to Goodwill and the falling-apart ones go in the trash. I think I could also look into buying a new pair of lightweight hiking boots -- the kind that are sort of half tennis shoe half hiking boot. Rocket Boy had a new pair in St. Louis that I admired. I'll see.

10. Work on the files! This was a New Year's resolution, but I have not addressed it much at all so far this year. It occurred to me that I am running out of time. The kids have 8 weeks of school left (some of them partial weeks), and once school is out, it's really hard to work on the files, because they're in this room all the time. Also, if Rocket Boy manages to move back to Colorado within the next six months, I'll be screwed, because he's going to argue with me about how I do the files. So it's kind of now or never. Therefore, I resolve to focus on the files this month.

But also the yard, even though it's only April, because I've got those terrible branches down everywhere. I should probably plan to spend half an hour every day sawing branches apart. Sigh.

***

Anyway, that was our week in St. Louis, and that was my month of March, and now we are back and it is almost April. I will post about my March reading experience tomorrow or the next day. Meanwhile, it feels like time for a nap (it's 5:15). It's been a strange Easter. No hiding eggs -- a tradition that I was thrilled to give up. No special meal, though we did go to Starbucks and I've promised Teen B that he can have McDonald's for dinner. I'm planning to have scrambled eggs. Teen A isn't sure what he wants. I didn't get out the stuffed bunnies (maybe next year). We didn't read any Easter books. We didn't go to church. The kids don't even know what Easter is about. I should correct that. Another time. Maybe someday they'll fall in love with someone who'll explain it to them.

What's coming up this week? Oh, so many things. For instance,

1. I have to call Blue Cross and LabCorp and find out why on earth Blue Cross didn't pay for my recent lab work. I also have to check with Blue Cross to make sure they're going to pay for my colonoscopy next week.
   
2. I have to find a new bathroom door and someone to hang it.
3. I have to FINALLY call dentists and try to find a new one for us.
   
4. I have to start cutting up the gigantic branches around the yard.
5. I have to make a plan for working on the files this month -- and then start doing it.
6. I have to have a mammogram (on Tuesday) and start worrying about my colonoscopy next week, filling out paperwork, etc.
7. I have to make an appointment for the cats to get their nails clipped.
   
8. I have to clean the house, plan the meals, grocery shop, make dinner every night, help the kids with their homework, do laundry, feed the cats, clean litter boxes, etc., etc.
   

It'll probably be fine.

Snow!

When I was thinking about what I should write today, I kept coming up with things I wrote about last week. My medical issues, Teen A's loss of his IEP, their birthday, which is over, so drop it.

Oh, wait, I thought. I remember what happened this week! We got two and a half feet of snow! Our official total for the city of Boulder was 30 inches, which is a lot of snow. 

Not only did we get 30 inches of snow, but they canceled school for TWO days. I can't even remember the last time they canceled school for two days. (They say this was the biggest snow in three years, so maybe it was three years ago.) Happily, they allowed theatrical performances to take place Friday night (Thursday's were canceled), so Teen B and I were able to see Boulder High's performance of the musical "Big Fish," which I enjoyed thoroughly. But anyway, today is the fourth day of a four-day weekend. I told the kids we should get a lot of homework done during that time. Did we? No. We did a little. But most of it we saved for today, as usual. La la la.

The snow was so heavy and wet that it did a lot of damage to our trees, some of which I am not sure how to deal with. In this photo (taken today, after some good melting), you can see a large branch that fell from our Siberian elm. The branch took out our clothesline -- you can see the post still standing, with the lines coming from it, and the other end, a plastic rectangle, lying in the snow.

Although I was sorry to lose the clothesline, I didn't mind having that branch come down. It had been messing with our little oak tree (in the picture, it's right next to the little shed), making it hard for it to grow. With that branch gone, the oak tree will have room to grow tall and strong.

But our next-door neighbor and tenant alerted us to another problem -- the branch also fell on a bunch of wires that attach to the telephone pole. The wires still seem to be attached, but they are down much lower than they should be, blocking access to the back gate, among other things. I had no idea what those wires were. We still had power, we still had internet and phone service. 

I called Rocket Boy, who knows everything. "I think those are the phone lines," he said. "But we don't have regular phone service anymore," I pointed out. "When we got high speed internet, I think they switched us to something else, like VOIP." "It still has wires," Rocket Boy insisted. "Call Public Service. I mean, call Qwest. I mean--" "You mean, call CenturyLink," I said, coming up with the current name for the phone company. "Do you want me to call them?" he offered. "Oh, no, I can do it," I said. "I don't know if they'll be there on Saturday, though." "They have to have someone there for emergencies," he pointed out. 

So, OK, I called CenturyLink. Easier said than done! First, I got the message that customer service was only available on weekdays, though I was welcome to talk to their automated system. But if I had an emergency, I could report it on the website. So I went to the website. I am not lying, the customer service/report-an-emergency page was not working. Try back later, the website encouraged me. Or call customer service. I attempted to use the Chat feature, but it just spun and spun. So I called customer service again and tried to talk to the automated system. It was a pretty stupid automated system, though, and kept giving me only two or three choices, none of which was right. "No option has been selected," it kept scolding me. Finally I started screaming at it. I know you shouldn't scream at automated systems, but I must have done something right, because it transferred me to a person. In India. A very nice person in India, who said his name was Louie, but still. 

Louie was actually helpful, though a little confused. He managed to make me an appointment to have my wires looked at. For Monday. OK, that's fine, I think. I don't think the wires are dangerous, as long as we don't touch them, and anyway, with all the snow there is no chance I would be going near them anytime soon (our tenant promised to stay away from them too -- they're half in her yard). When Louie read back to me the description of my complaint, he said, "Wires and telephone pole are lying around the yard." I decided to go with that, even though it wasn't true.

So on Monday I won't go to the grocery store, I'll just sit and wait for CenturyLink. Should be fun.

That big branch isn't the only one that came down, though. There's this thing lying partly on our roof. I think it may not be fully detached -- I can see a big rip in the branch -- which is actually worse. If it were fully detached, I could haul it off to the front yard, but if it's not, I can either wait for another big windstorm to take it down, or hire a tree-trimmer -- and you know ALL the tree-trimmers in the area are going to be really busy right now, charging high prices. Hmm.

I told Rocket Boy last summer that we needed to have that tree pruned and he said no, that we'd already had all that damage done to the maple tree (by Xcel Energy) and he didn't want anyone else messing with the trees. I reminded him of that on the phone yesterday and he totally gaslighted me. "I didn't say that, or if I did, I meant that I didn't want Xcel to come back and damage the trees," he claimed. "That's ridiculous," I spluttered at him. "Of COURSE I wouldn't have had Xcel come back, I would have hired a professional!" But I couldn't yell at him too much, because I need his help, and anyway, it's too late to have already hired a tree-trimmer last summer.

In the front yard, a big branch came off from somewhere -- not quite sure where. I think it's from the little volunteer Siberian Elm that I keep hacking at, trying to kill it and then feeling bad and stopping. At first the branch was balanced on end, but then it fell over, blocking the path to the street, so I had to drag it across the lawn. The snow was so deep (seriously, 30 inches is deep), that I kept postholing, stepping deep into the snow with each step. I was afraid I'd hurt myself, but I had to get that branch out of the way so that the mailman could get to our house, etc., so I kept pulling and falling, pulling and falling. Now it's there, and it can just stay there until I figure out what to do with it. And all the other branches that are down in the backyard.

One bright spot is the lilac, which I was afraid was badly damaged by the storm. Part of it popped up by itself yesterday, as the snow melted, but the front half of it was still just lying there, buried in snow. I figured its branches were broken, and I was so sad. But just to check, I went out there this morning (after our Starbucks run), and tried to pull the branches out of the snow. And what do you know -- they weren't broken! (mostly) they were just covered with heavy, wet snow. Now they aren't fully back to normal -- they're kind of low to the ground, blocking the path to the back gate. But I think they'll recover with time. I'm really happy about the lilac.

***

On a completely different subject, the other thing I've been doing this past week is writing my memoirs. A couple of months ago I was working on a big genealogy project; now, it's my memoirs. The difference is that I'm writing these primarily for myself. I may never share them with anyone. If my kids ever express interest, say 20 years from now, maybe I could create an edited version for them, just hit the high points. I've written about 15 pages so far and haven't even gotten myself out of elementary school. Just think what's left: junior high, high school, college (Davis and Berkeley), the years after college, living at home, being a typesetter, traveling around the world, then moving into a group house, psychoanalysis, graduate school, life in Michigan, the move to Boulder, getting a job, buying a condo, meeting Rocket Boy, our courtship and marriage, and having the twins.

Everything since May 2009, when I started blogging, is more or less covered by my blogs, so I could just defer to them at that point. I'll see when I get there, if I ever do.

The main reason I want to do this is because I feel as though I'm losing my memories. It's easy to understand why that's happening. It's hard to keep track of so many things -- my brain has to edit some of it out. I'm finding that I still have a lot of memories -- they're just buried. But some are messed up -- what I remember isn't what happened. It's definitely a strange experience, trying to write this.

For instance, right now I'm trying to remember music education in elementary school. I know I played the clarinet for a year plus summer school -- but which year was that? Was it 5th? or 4th or 6th? I can't connect it with any other memory. And then when did I take piano lessons from my aunt? I want to say I started in 5th grade and quit in 8th, but I'm not sure. Does it make sense that I would have started clarinet and piano at the same time? Did I play clarinet in 4th, then quit and start piano? Or did I start piano in 5th and add clarinet in 6th? No idea. It doesn't matter, of course, except that dramatic things were going on during elementary school, in our family, so it does matter (to me) which year I did what (and therefore what else was going on at the same time).

***

So, one more week before spring break. We have our plane tickets, long since paid for, and I've contacted the cat sitters, although we haven't given them the key yet. 

Other than that, what do I need to do to prepare? Laundry, at the last minute, which means next Saturday, and eating the perishable contents of the fridge throughout the week. Helping the kids finish all the school projects that are due on Friday. Reading as many of my library books as I can. For some reason I have 10 books checked out of the library right now, and nine of them are due before we get home. I'm going to return five of them today, and one of them is actually a book that Teen B is reading for school and it's not due until April, so I won't worry about it. That leaves four books to finish in the next six days. I haven't started any of them yet. We'll see how it goes.

Sweet sixteen

The twins are sixteen years old. Yes, it's true. Wasn't it just a few minutes ago that they were turning five? Or is it just that their fifth birthday party (which almost no one came to) was so horrible that I can't forget it? We do tend to remember the bad stuff, more so than the good stuff. The good stuff, unless it's REALLY good, just gets rolled in with everything else in our memories that's unproblematic and kind of vanishes. 

What do you think of the birthday cake? It's kind of girly, I admit. Teen B and I chose it because it didn't look like any of the other cakes at King Soopers -- the colors were unusual. Then I found the wonderful unicorn candles to put on it (the horn and the two ears). When Teen A saw it, he was absolutely horrified. (He's a little more conventional than Teen B.) I can see this birthday cake going down in family history, and not in a good way.

It tasted OK, though. The frosting was a bit gross but the cake itself was fine.

I had gotten a bit stressed out about presents ahead of time, but eventually calmed down. And it didn't matter -- the kids had low expectations, which were met. Teen A received the headphones he'd asked for, two pairs of shorts that he didn't want (he told me that he isn't going to wear shorts this summer, uh huh, sure), a big box of chips, and 3 Milka chocolate bars. Teen B got 3 folders for school, a new black hoodie, a big box of chips, and 3 Milka chocolate bars. Rocket Boy sent the usual box of chocolates and an interesting 3-D puzzle of a clock that I doubt we'll put together until he comes home. The generous aunts sent checks/Amazon gift cards. 

Teen A was so uninterested in his birthday that Teen B and I had to drag him out of the desk room and away from his stupid video games to open presents. Every present bored him or annoyed him. I thought about how in another family, the parents might get angry at this reaction, but I didn't feel anger. I felt kind of sorry for him. Being a teenager today is sort of horrible, and of course being a teenager in general, everywhere and at every time in history, is sort of horrible. But today, in our current video game/smartphone world, teenagerhood seems especially awful. 

Teen B was more fun to celebrate with, but he wasn't very excited either. Neither boy wanted to practice driving ("Not on my birthday!"), nor did they want to do homework. So after we got through presents and cake and a phone call with Dad, we all went our separate ways -- them to play video games and me to read in my room. I told them about how when I turned 16, we tied sixteen sugar cubes to blue ribbons and hung them from the chandelier, but they didn't want to try doing that...

I felt really sad afterwards. I don't like March, I don't like their birthday, I don't like celebrating it without Rocket Boy, and I think the teen years are hard. But anyway, we got through it.

Oh, and we went out to dinner at Murphy's Tap House in Louisville. We were going to go to Red Lobster in Longmont, I thought we'd all agreed, it seemed like a great idea -- and then Teen A didn't want to go. I told Teen B we'll go next week, even if it's just me and him. Teen A doesn't get to spoil everything. But in this case it seemed more important that we be together on their birthday, so we went to his choice of restaurant.

I am very tired today, not for any good reason, so this will be a muddled post. The real tiredness, the Daylight Saving Time spring forward tiredness, should start tomorrow, because that's when we have to get up an hour earlier. This morning I could have gotten up at any old time, no worries. But I got up around 8 (old time) / 9 (new time), which would have been fine except that I slept badly last night. I had heartburn from all the weird things I'd eaten during the day (cake with thick, gaggy frosting, anyone?), and I decided that rather than take an antacid -- which sometimes triggers vomiting, depending on what's going on in my stomach -- I would just turn my light on again and read for a while, see if that cured it. Probably not a good idea, although it worked. I think I turned the light off again around 2 or 3 am or so (old time). I don't really remember. Anyway, today I'm a zombie. I want to go to the grocery store and get a newspaper, but I don't want to drive in this condition. Maybe I could get a twin to drive me. Ah, forget it, it's already 4 pm, probably all the papers are gone.

It doesn't matter.

But anyway, yes, the twins are now 16. That sounds really old, though at the same time still young. I just read (finished it last night, in fact, around 2 or 3 am) Anne Lamott's book Some Assembly Required, about her son's girlfriend giving birth to their child when he was 19, and then the two kids try to raise the baby. So, three years from now the twins could be doing that. Hmm. No.

I really didn't like that book, incidentally, and plan to leave it in a little free library at my earliest opportunity. Partly because I read that her son, Sam, was a meth addict until he got sober at age 22, so that means he was probably a meth addict when the book was taking place -- it ends when the baby turns 1, when Sam would have been 20, almost 21. He probably didn't just suddenly become a meth addict after the book ended and then quickly get sober a year later. But there's absolutely no indication in the book that he's struggling with anything like that. The only hint is that at one point he's quit smoking and then he gets mad at his girlfriend and goes out and buys a cigar. But other than that, no mention of him struggling with any drug or alcohol, even though Anne herself is a recovering alcoholic/addict, as are her two brothers and many of her friends, and so there are plenty of mentions of parties without alcohol, etc. But nothing about Sam taking a different path at the time.

And that makes the book seem dishonest. It's a pretty big gaping hole. I think what people like about Anne Lamott's writing is that she always sounds so honest when talking about herself. Of course, she's clearly shaping events in her life into neat little stories, I get that, but still, she sounds honest. And this book didn't sound honest, plus, apparently wasn't honest. It may have been honest about her, but it wasn't honest about her son (who is credited as a sort of co-author) and that bugged me. I want it out of the house.

***

Other than the birthday, my main activity this week was seeing my doctor (and getting bloodwork done beforehand). As I expected, my A1c was up, to 7.7 this time, which is bad. It should be below 7. Six months ago it was 7.5. I see my dietician next week and she won't be happy. It's because I've been eating tons of sugar, have been ever since I started wearing bands on my teeth. The whole thing is so stupid I want to run around in circles screaming about it, but I don't. 

Now my doctor wants me to try Mounjaro, which is the other weight loss/diabetes drug (other than Ozempic, I mean). It sounds just as bad, only in this case I would be giving myself injections once a week instead of taking a daily pill. Oh joy. I don't really see how I can get out of this, so I am probably going to say yes (she gave me the weekend to think about it), but I will try to put it off until after our challenging spring break in St. Louis and my colonoscopy a week and a half later.

I keep reminding myself that I don't have to keep taking Mounjaro, I can just try it and if it makes me miserable, I can stop taking it. And then we can move on.

But I'm dreading it anyway. What if I get stomach paralysis? What if my hair falls out? What if the drug makes me suicidal? I do not like being a guinea pig for a drug, and that's what I think everyone is who takes one of these drugs. I don't think there's been near enough testing. I might be OK with taking the drug in five years -- I mean, probably not, but more OK than now.

Oh, and I have a hernia. I *thought* something was wrong with my belly button. Was it a month ago? six weeks? that I had very bad pain in the belly button area? I just looked back over old posts and I think I didn't ever mention it. Anyway, it was sometime in the last couple of months. I almost forgot to ask my doc about it, but when she had me on the table and was poking and prodding me, I remembered. "There's something funny about my belly button," I said and she said, after poking and prodding, "Yes, you have a little hernia." But she doesn't want me to get it fixed until after I take Mounjaro and lose some weight. God!

Oh well.

***

OK, enough of all that. The other event of the week was Teen A's IEP meeting -- in which we learned that he is no longer eligible for an IEP, based on his most recent test results. He will hopefully drop down to a 504 plan, which means accommodations but no special class, no special help. Since Teen A has been on an IEP since 4th grade, this is a huge shift. I'm feeling lost just thinking about it. He's pleased -- he didn't like being "special ed," didn't see it the same way I do. I think of it as a safety net -- he thinks of it as being "different," having something wrong with him.

So, OK, on into the brave new world without the crutch of an IEP. It's very scary. I'm trying to be OK about it.

This coming week Teen A has a dentist appointment -- with our flaky dentist who will probably cancel the appointment at the last minute, but we're just going to see. My book group meets that night, so that'll be nice. I see my dietician on Thursday, so I can discuss Mounjaro with her. And on Friday Teen B and I are going to the school musical, "Big Fish." I wrote "Go Fish" on the calendar, but that was wrong.

It snowed this past week, on Friday, but by this afternoon all traces of it were gone. We're supposed to get more snow next week, on Thursday, I believe. Hope that doesn't interfere with seeing the musical.

Other than that, it'll be just a lot of getting used to Daylight Saving Time. Maybe by next Sunday it'll start to feel normal. Like being 16.

Welcome to March (Winter round 3)

OK, we made it to March! I don't like the month of March, but that's all right, we're making progress through the year. 

I don't like March because it contains (1) the twins' birthday, which I find stressful, (2) the Spring Forward time change, which everyone finds stressful, (3) my father's birthday, decline, and death, which I find sad to remember (the birthday is OK, but the rest is hard), and (4) Spring Break, which can be fun but which is also stressful (lots of planning involved, lots of money spent) and this year will probably not be very fun (back to St. Louis for Rocket Boy's surgery), though I must act like it is fun, somehow, for the twins' sake.

Also, we usually have snow in March, heavy, wet snow, and nothing is really growing yet. At least that was true in the past (climate change is messing with it a bit). I did notice when I walked around our snow-free yard this morning that the alliums are starting to poke their green spears up. I like the alliums, even though they spread all over everywhere and can be a bit of a menace. And in the backyard I saw our first blooming dandelion!

This year, Easter is also in March, the last day of the month. I have mixed feelings about Easter this year, because I agreed with the twins last year that there was no sense having an egg hunt anymore. They're too old -- it's dumb. So I think I will put out Easter treats, but no hiding and seeking. The thing is, we'll be in St. Louis until the day before Easter, so maybe we'll do some Easter stuff there. I don't know. Have to think about this.

On the plus side, it's getting lighter and lighter. On March 1st, two days ago, sunset was at 5:53 pm, and on March 31st, sunset will be at 7:25 pm (because of the horrible time change). If we didn't have the time change, sunset would be at 6:25, which is still much better than 5:53 (or 5:19 pm, which it was on February 1st, or 4:46 pm, which it was on January 1st).

I should do a February round-up, talk about what I achieved (or didn't) regarding my New Year's resolutions during the month. 

1. Read at least 52 books, i.e., 1 per week. I read 14 books in February. With the 12 books I read in January, I've already read 26 books in 2024, halfway to my goal. That goal of 52 is sort of silly, but you never know, I might have a period of time where I don't feel like reading. I don't want 100 books to be my goal, because then I won't be inclined to choose long books to read. 

2. Read biographies of at least 3 presidents. I finished the biography of Woodrow Wilson! I thought I'd never get through that thing. Now I can take a break for a month or two -- and then it will be time to face Warren G. Harding.

3. See at least 24 movies, i.e., 2 per month. I saw 3 movies, all at home, and all of them based on books I'd recently read: "Howards End," "The Fault in Our Stars," and "Waiting for the Barbarians." I'm thinking this month we might go see a movie in a theater, because the kids want to see "Dune: Part 2."

4. Go to at least 12 special things, i.e., 1 per month. I went to two concerts at the kids' high school, and enjoyed them both THOROUGHLY. I love listening to young people make music. In March, Teen B and I have tickets to the spring musical, so I'm looking forward to that too.

5. Continue blogging/write another novel. Obviously I've continued blogging, but I didn't write much else this month. I honestly didn't feel up to it. Maybe March will be better.

6. Take a walk every day and do a stretch video every morning. This was a hard one. In all of February I only took ONE walk (plus one hike, see below). But I did do lots of stretch videos -- 20 of them, all in the mornings. That really is becoming a habit, and I feel as though I'm getting stronger and more flexible (well, a little). But I need to start walking again in the afternoons. Hmm.

7. Take a hike every month. Once again I put this off until the last day, February 29th -- but on that day I went for a hike. I did the Dry Creek trail, along with a lot of dogs and their guardians. In fact, I'm pretty sure I was the only person on that trail without a dog.

I went earlier in the day than last month, intentionally, around 1:30 pm, so there were parking places available in the lot at the trailhead. It seemed like a quiet trail at first, but eventually I realized that there were a lot of people (and dogs) on the trail -- they were just widely spread out.

Dry Creek wasn't dry -- maybe it is in the summer -- but there were signs posted everywhere telling people not to go in the water and not to let their dogs go in it, and there was a lot of fencing intended to keep people & dogs out. It's the New Zealand Mudsnail that's the problem -- I guess it must be in this creek and they don't want dogs getting it on their paws and people getting it on their boots and then spreading it to other bodies of water nearby. So that was too bad. It seemed a real shame that dogs couldn't go in the creek.

Of course, other animals were probably glad that the dogs weren't in the creek, but I didn't actually see any other animals. The only birds I saw were a couple of white things on Valmont Reservoir (which the Dry Creek trail goes past for a while). I didn't have my binoculars, so couldn't identify them. No, the only wildlife was the dogs -- and I did really enjoy the dogs. I kept thinking that people were looking at me funny, like -- where's your dog? -- but I smiled at all the dogs and greeted them and petted quite a few. So that was fun.

I'm sure this is a nice trail at some time of the year, but it wasn't very nice on February 29th. It was just so dry and barren. We'd had snow two weeks before, but there was barely a trace of it, and almost no mud either. Just dry, dry, dry. It was also quite hot, in the upper 60s with full sun. I had worn a sweatshirt because I thought surely it wouldn't really be hot, surely the wind would be blowing and would make it cooler. But there was very little wind and it was hot. I could have taken my sweatshirt off, but I kept thinking, oh, then I'll have to carry it, might as well keep it on. I was sweating when I got back to the car. I was also red as a beet -- I hadn't put on sunscreen or worn a hat. Dumb.

The one other downside to the hike is that it somehow triggered an allergic reaction that I have not been able to shake. I'm taking antihistamines twice a day, but they're not really working. What on earth could have done that? Nothing's in bloom except a few bulbs (and dandelions). I need to buy a new bottle of NasalCrom -- that's helped me a lot in the past. Must put it on the grocery list for tomorrow.

8. Take a load of stuff to either Goodwill or Charm every month. Again, left this until the last minute, but on February 29th I filled a garbage sack with clothes in good condition and packed up a box of books. Right after my hike, I drove to Goodwill's new location and gave them to a worker there. Very satisfying.

9. Do something to improve my wardrobe every month. In February I worked on my underwear drawer and it was a very successful experience. I threw away so many things! I gave Goodwill all my nice, basically unworn bras that didn't fit, and threw away a LOT of underpants and old slips and pettipants, things like that. Now my underwear drawer is organized and has lots of space, and I can FIND things. I also now have six bras that fit, though two are on their last legs (do bras have legs?). But I now have a source for replacements -- eBay!

While preparing my Goodwill donation, I went through a few drawers I hadn't planned on culling yet -- my nightgown drawer, my t-shirt & sweatpants drawer, and my swimsuit drawer. I found a few things to donate, but I also tossed a lot. Like -- a nightgown that was too small when I bought it, back around 2004, and had several rips. Like -- a pair of paint-stained jeans that I haven't been able to get into for 20 years (except briefly in 2009 when I was briefly thin) and why would I want to wear them, anyway? Like -- a blue swimsuit that I wore the first time I did the Polar Bear Plunge, back in 2001, and which crackled when I touched it, because the elastic had gone bad. I found some treasures, too, such as some soft red pants with brilliant blue and green flowers on them -- I got them about 35 years ago and probably only wore them a couple of times. Into the Goodwill bag they went. 

It felt SO GOOD to get rid of this stuff! I mean, OK, it felt sad, too, like I was throwing away my history. But the main feeling I had after I went to Goodwill (and took out the trash) was relief. All those things I'd been saving in the hopes that someday I would be thin enough to wear them again. When I let them go, I felt as though I were growing up into the person I really am -- a large, fat person, age 63. I would prefer not to be a large, fat person, but that's not really relevant. It's who I am, and by getting rid of all those thin clothes, I felt as though I were giving myself permission to be who I am.

I have a lot more things to get rid of. It's going to be a good year, at least from that perspective.

In March I am going to focus on my sock drawer, and I may also look at my very sad shoe collection. I realized that it's not really going to work to focus on some of these clothing categories only once per year, because not everything is sold at the same time -- flip flops vs. winter boots, for instance. So I'll have to come back to some things. But I can definitely get rid of stuff at any time, even though I may not be able to buy what I need right away.

My sock drawer is a disaster. See all those socks? I only wear about five pairs, maybe six, out of the, I don't know, 40 or so pairs in there. Well, there are also some compression stockings that I wear when I fly, or drive for long distances, or know that I'll have to stand up for a long time, etc. But there are a LOT of socks in there that don't fit my big feet, that hurt my fat calves, that have holes in them, that don't have mates -- this drawer is way overdue for cleaning out. 

10. Finish the taxes! This wasn't actually a New Year's resolution, but in January I resolved to get these done by the end of February. In fact, our tax preparer didn't "open the portal" for me until March 1st, so I couldn't submit everything until then, but I was done (except for that) by February 29th. This is always hugely (and weirdly) stressful for me, so it felt really good to get it done. I also paid the first half of the property taxes on our two Boulder houses, which were due by February 29th.

***

It's funny, yesterday I had a zoom call with my old Michigan friends, and my former advisor asked me what I'd been up to recently (everyone got asked that). I should have been expecting the question, but for some reason I wasn't. I had been looking forward to seeing everyone else and forgot about myself -- that's a good thing, but in this case it was awkward. I couldn't think of a darn thing to say. What have I been doing? I didn't feel that I could tell him I had cleaned out my underwear drawer. 

So what have I been doing? Mostly just getting through the days. It's different from the old days, when I was teaching and the kids were little, when I woke up every morning in a state of pure anxiety about the day ahead. I don't feel that way at all anymore. Instead, I wake up tired because I don't sleep well anymore, stupid sleep apnea. But not anxious. I have trouble getting through the days, getting very much accomplished. Some of it's depression, some of it's just being tired all the time. 

I need to finish up my orthodontia so I can get the sleep apnea mouthpiece made. But now there's a problem with the orthodontia -- the bands I've been wearing on my teeth make my ears clog up! I read that this can be a TMJ problem. I have to talk to my orthodontist about it, but in the meantime I can't wear the bands anymore. I am going to have these braces for the rest of my life, I swear.

Oh well. There's some stuff going on this coming week -- Teen A's IEP meeting at the high school on Wednesday, and I see my regular doctor on Friday, which means I'll have to get bloodwork done first, maybe Tuesday. I also have to finish my birthday shopping. Their birthday is Saturday and I think we've agreed that we'll have dinner that night at Red Lobster.

I talked to Rocket Boy last night and he confirmed that he's not coming for the weekend, which makes me sad, but it's OK. We'll see him in a few weeks, in St. Louis. I'll bet some things will be in bloom there.