Hot summer days and nights

Well, it's been a hot week. Not as bad as I expected -- we had at least a little rain almost every day. Colorado has been having a good summer, compared to practically everywhere else in the country. 

But it's still late July, late summer. And Teen B still has to finish up his online PE class, so we had another hike to do. Studying the forecast for the week ahead, today really looked like it was going to be the best day for it (yesterday would have been better, but oh well). So we chose a trail (the South Boulder Creek West trail, which I'd never done) and planned to go out early this morning.

But it's Sunday. Starbucks day. Teen B wanted his Starbucks before the hike.

OK, I said, knowing that a big argument might kill the whole thing. We'll get Starbucks and I'll eat my breakfast and we'll go after that. It'll be hot, but it won't kill us.

We got to the trailhead at 11:29 am. It was 87 degrees, with a little more humidity than we usually get -- but of course nothing like what most of the country experiences. I was wearing my big hat and I actually managed to get Teen B to wear a hat (his father's) and SHOES. Teen B is the flip flop guy, no shoes normally. But I convinced him to wear them and I'm glad I did.

As part of the assignment he has to submit at least 6 photos taken on the trip that show him on the trail. So I set the timer on my phone to ring every 10 minutes and each time it rang I took a picture of him. Of course, I can't show you any of those pictures, only a couple that I remembered to take of just scenery.

It was really a gorgeous day, stupendously pretty, and the trail was awash in wildflowers.

But it was hot. I just don't do heat well anymore. Old, fat diabetics are supposed to be careful about getting overheated. 

They don't say what to do if you're an old, fat diabetic with a teenage son who needs to go on one more hike to pass his PE class and your husband is in St. Louis and you don't know anyone else who could take him out instead.

So, basically, what you do is, you go on the hike. We had to do at least 1 mile and at least 1 hour. At the 50-minute mark, we reached a clump of pine trees and I decided we were good. So we turned around and walked back to the car. It took us 84 minutes total and we obviously walked more than 1 mile -- I'm guessing closer to 2.5 miles.

I am so out of shape! My feet were killing me by the end of the hike and my legs were wobbly.

I should hike more. I should go out every weekend and do a hike. Or one weekday morning when the kids are at school. Must think about this.

Time for the Summer Update:

1. Summer movies: Still don't know how I did it, but somehow I got Teen A and Teen B to go to the "Barbie" movie on Wednesday. I'm still blown away by this. I loved it! It's such a good movie, not at all what I was expecting. They -- I don't know. I think they may have been the only males in the crowded theater. But they got something out of it, because we've been talking about it all week.
   
   On our hike, Teen B and I discussed what to see this coming week. Probably we'll see the new "Haunted Mansion" movie, but he's also interested in "Oppenheimer" -- but not in a 3-hour movie about some guy's life, which is what it is.
   
   
2. Ice cream: We all went to Glacier on Friday night, the one down near the Bookworm since the one closer to us closed a few years ago. We all had coffee caramel crunch ice cream -- very good.
   
   
3. Driving: I took both boys out several times. Teen A and I did a bunch of errands together on Thursday and he also got his first 17 night-driving minutes by taking me to Sprouts that evening. Teen B and I drove up to NCAR, around the parking lot, and back home. Another day we drove around the parking lots behind the office buildings on East Pearl and then took 55th to Baseline and went to the Dollar store. On Friday I took my car in for an oil change!
   
   
4. 
   Yard work: Teen A didn't want to work again this week, and frankly neither did I. But I pruned along. One day, I took down a portion of a volunteer tree in the front yard. It was big enough that after I finished, I realized that I'd let a whole lot more sunlight onto the driveway, which will make it hotter for future work in that area. Also, another consideration: little birds like to sit in those volunteer trees. When the hummingbirds are worried that I'm coming too close to the feeder, they go and sit there, and today I saw a lot of little birds in one tree that didn't look like they could fly very well. So maybe I'll be more cautious about my cutting -- until fall, when the hummingbirds leave and the little birds are all grown up.
   
   
5. Teen B's PE class: In addition to the hike, Teen B and I learned about volleyball this week and he also had to track his sleep for 3 days (when he went to bed, when he got up, and how he felt). This coming week I think we will be learning about hockey, we'll do the last fitness test, and then he has a final exam. And then we'll be done with this stupid class, and I'm going to encourage both boys not to take anything else in summer school, ever!
   
   
6. Teen A's tennis class: The regular teacher was back this week, for the last class. It's funny -- last year when both boys had this teacher, I was pretty iffy about him, because I thought he wasn't very nice to Teen B (and I actually complained). This year, I have no problem with him at all. He's a good teacher for Teen A. Teen A actually got pretty good at tennis! But he has no one to play with, since Teen B didn't take this class.

This coming week, as we cruise into August, I'll have to think more about what else to do before school starts. If Rocket Boy were here, of course, we'd do lots of fun things. We'd go to the cabin, we'd go to the Denver museums, we'd go out east, down south, all over. But I'm kind of a wuss. Still, maybe I can come up with something.

***

I keep meaning to write something down -- so here might be as good a place as any. It's my rules of thumb for dealing with my teenagers, based partly on what we learned from the family counselor we saw for a while, and my parent network group, and things I've read. I'll probably forget some of them -- maybe I'll come back and add to this later. But this is most of it. (I've needed to refer to the list a lot this summer, what with driving and PE classes and too much togetherness.)

Rules of Thumb for Dealing with (My) Teenagers

1. No matter how hard you think your life is, their lives are harder -- because they're adolescents and they don't know how to handle things yet. Being a teenager sucks, more now than ever, and they're just trying to cope. Be kind.
   
2. It's harder for kids/teens to self-regulate than it is for parents. When they blow up, give them some space and time to pull themselves together. And when you blow up, give yourself some time and space too. Useful conversations do not take place when the participants are dysregulated.
3. Therefore... try not to escalate things. If they're looking for a fight, ignore them or deflect their comments. If you're looking for a fight, go in your room or go for a walk and think about something else.
   
4. When they ask you to do something that they can and should do for themselves, it's OK to just say no. You don't have to go into a big spiel about how (a) you're not the maid, (b) they're old enough to do it, (c) if they would just LISTEN once in a while, they'd know how to do it, (d) blah blah blah etc.
5. Likewise, if you ask them to do something and they refuse, maybe just drop it (as opposed to throwing a fit about how (a) they never help, (b) they're so selfish, (c) who do they think you are, the maid?, etc.). Ask again another time. Nudge them in the direction of helping -- they will get there eventually. Maybe.
6. Do you like having someone criticize you? Do you respond by saying, "Thanks, what good advice, I'll change everything about myself now?" Teens don't like it any better. Criticism is almost entirely pointless and just makes them feel worse (see #1 above). Look for opportunities to praise, but avoid criticism or make it as gentle as possible.
7. A further note about criticizing: it's almost always done in anger, i.e., when you're emotionally out of control (see #2 and #3 above). You may be angry at the person you're criticizing, but sometimes you're actually angry at someone who criticized you (e.g., if a friend criticizes your child-rearing efforts, you may get angry and criticize your kids for not being perfect like your friend's kids). If you hold your tongue and revisit the issue later, when you're calmer, it may turn out that the problem is structural, like dinner is happening too late for your kids to do their homework after dinner, or it might not be a problem at all (who cares what your friend thinks?). Don't criticize.
   
8. It's too late to mold them into those perfect little people you were planning for them to be. (It was always too late, but it's REALLY too late now.) Let it go, even if your friend's/cousin's/neighbor's kids are perfect. Your kids are who they are (they always were).
9. It's not too late to improve your relationship with them, and in the end, that's what really matters. Think about how much you like and love them. Enjoy them. Lighten up. Laugh with them, hug them if they'll let you (mine won't). Life is short and rough. Try to make it a little more pleasant for everyone.
   

And that's what I've got this week. Goodbye to July, welcome August.