Who grieves, and how

It's almost a week since the shooting, six days. I probably feel worse today than I did a few days ago, because reality is starting to penetrate my defenses. Only a little bit -- I still feel very defended. But I feel tears welling up quite often today, and yesterday too. It's probably because on Friday, after Rocket Boy and the twins got back from their mini Spring Break trip, he and I walked over to King Soopers to see the memorial that people have constructed out of flowers and signs and candles. This photo is from the next day, Saturday, when I walked back there with the twins. You can't see anything, because it's really hard to get this whole thing in a picture (try clicking on it to see it a little larger). It's enormous. They put an enormous chain link fence around King Soopers and its parking lot, and people responded by covering the enormous chain link fence with flowers and signs and other things. It's just huge, and every day people are bringing more and more flowers and other things. 

When I went back with the twins on Saturday I brought a pretty white bird beanie baby, Kuku the cockatiel, and placed him amid a lot of flowers. He looked so nice there. There are other stuffed animals there too. If I go back today or another day, I might bring another stuffed bird. I can't bring flowers because I would want to buy them at King Soopers and I can't do that. I know, I could buy them at Trader Joe's. I'm just too tired to face Trader Joe's, or for that matter, any store. Anyway, lovely bird stuffies seem like a nice thing to contribute to the memorial.

The kids didn't want to go see the memorial, and we didn't stay very long. I just felt that they should see it, make of it what they will. At some point later in life I think they'll be glad they saw it. As we walked across Table Mesa to examine the wall of flowers, Teen A said, "Why are there all these flowers for only ten people?" I resisted the urge to smack him, and just told him to hush. I let the wall speak for itself. They got out of it whatever they got out of it. It's not my place to tell them how to feel. Kind of a balancing act, for a parent.

People are getting upset about minor things, unimportant things. Today, our local newspaper was stuffed full of memorial ads from basically every Boulder business, saying how terribly sorry they are that this happened. Very touching, very sweet. In the midst of all that is a full-page ad from Whole Foods that says, "Your dinner table is about to set new standards. Now open at South Broadway & Table Mesa Drive in Boulder." It's a perfectly acceptable ad -- except that it doesn't mention the shooting, even though the Whole Foods it refers to is on the other side of the same shopping center. If you were in the mood to get mad about everything -- as many people are right now -- you could interpret it as implying, "Now that your usual grocery store has been closed due to a mass murder, come on over to our store."  Of course, as one person on my neighborhood listserv pointed out, they've been running this ad for weeks.

I defended Whole Foods (where I never shop, but still). But then I thought -- who am I to tell my neighbors not to feel bad about this? A couple of other people have also tried to calm the others down. But in the end, we all grieve in our own way.

Earlier this week, many people were terribly upset about a political cartoon that appeared in the newspaper. It showed a woman about to enter a grocery store. On the store window are two signs. One says, "Masks required." The other says, "Bulletproof vests recommended." The woman looks aghast, and I thought it was a pretty good comment on what we've come to. Not so my neighbors, many of whom were shocked and offended. Eventually other people chimed in who felt the way I did, but there were a lot who were so very angry.

Again, who am I to tell them to chill? If the cartoon upset them, it is their right to feel upset. I tried to explain why it didn't make me upset, but I didn't push. We all have our own feelings about this, and humor is so very tricky, especially in a crisis.

I defended the paper in part because it is so near its end -- being starved to death by that horrible hedge fund that destroys newspapers -- and what a loss it would have been if we didn't have a paper to publish all the memorial ads in.

Rocket Boy left today, to drive back to Missouri. He texted a little while ago -- he's an hour from the Kansas border. He got a late start this morning because he was busy CLEANING. He cleaned the house from top to bottom the last two days. It probably would have made more sense to do it a week or so ago, spread it out a little, but he got nervous right at the end of the visit because our new stove is being delivered on Monday and he didn't want the delivery people to see a dirty house. I of course am the beneficiary of all this -- who cares what the delivery people think? He even unscrewed the back of the refrigerator and vacuumed it, finding the remnants of a mouse nest in the process. We had a mouse in there a couple years ago -- is that right? Chester is the cat who finally caught it, so that couldn't have happened any earlier than the fall of 2018, when we got him, but it was before Rocket Boy moved to St. Louis in May 2019. Pie is the cat who we think brought it in the house maybe a year before that. Anyway, the nest was still in the refrigerator and now it is gone.

I got a Covid test on Friday, finally, even though I don't think my gastrointestinal upset was Covid. But how could I know that? I still don't feel good, my gut hurts, but I think I would feel worse if I had Covid. Again, how would I know? Lots of people have very few symptoms. Anyway, I'm waiting for the results, hoping they'll be available by Monday. On Tuesday I'm supposed to have a mammogram, and it would be very inconvenient to cancel that at this point. I also still need to pick up my new glasses -- my old ones barely stay on my face -- and have another stupid blood test. My doc's office called on Thursday morning to tell me that my calcium is still high (10.7) and my parathyroid is inconclusive (60) and I have to have more tests. From what I've read on the internet, there is nothing inconclusive about these results, I clearly have a problem with my parathyroid, and I need to have surgery before it leaches all the remaining calcium from my bones. But I will have to go through the motions with them, I guess. Friday I'm scheduled to get my first dose of the vaccine. Please let all that not get messed up by a positive Covid test.

On Wednesday, Rocket Boy and the twins drove south for a little Spring Break trip, to Colorado Springs and Canon City. They visited Garden of the Gods, Bishop's Castle (pictured), the Royal Gorge, and I think some other things as well. They were gone two nights -- stayed in a Best Western in Canon City with an indoor pool and a hot tub and a sauna -- which gave me time to rest and relax and go to bed early and not have to do anything for anybody. (I also got the taxes done, finally.) I was sorry to miss the trip, in theory, but not really all that sorry. I think it was great for Rocket Boy to have some quality time with the kids, and them with him. The first night, they called me from the hotel and I read a chapter of our current bedtime book (we're reading The Long Winter by Laura Ingalls Wilder) over the phone. But the second night it got to be too late and I was tired. That night, apparently only Rocket Boy went out to dinner -- the twins were full of snacks and wanted to stay at the hotel. They went swimming in the pool by themselves while he was gone. They are so old! 

So now Rocket Boy is gone. We were talking last night about how many things he was here for over the course of three weeks.

• His first covid vaccine
• The twins' 13th birthday 
• Their various school/evaluation meetings
  
• The 21-inch snowstorm
• The microwave debacle at the rental
• The stove debacle at our house
• My various illnesses, appointments, whatnot
  
• The shooting and its aftermath
  
• The Spring Break trip with the twins 
• Finishing the taxes and sending them to our preparer
  

I feel like I'm forgetting something, but this is certainly enough. I'm so glad he was here for everything. Fingers crossed that there won't be a whole lot of other awful things happening any time soon. 

My fingers aren't really crossed, and even if they were, it wouldn't matter.

I don't know when he's coming back. Possibly in a couple weeks, if he can't figure out how to get his second covid shot in St. Louis. Apparently it's very confusing if you get your first shot in one state and want to get the second shot in a different state. Otherwise, we're thinking about trying to do the trip we planned last year, where the kids and I drive to Missouri to spend a week, after school gets out in May.

Well, the month is ending in a few days, as well as the quarter, so I should revisit the resolutions. 

Quarterly goals (2nd quarter):

• Read a presidential biography. I finished Team of Rivals on March 3rd. This quarter we will be getting to know Andrew Johnson, tied with Trump and Buchanan for Worst President Ever. I'm planning to read two books about him, a simple biography and a book that focuses on his impeachment, the new one by Brenda Wineapple or the one by David Stewart. But we'll see how it goes. One book may feel like enough.
  
• Work on a project. I finished the taxes, so that project is over, except for the back and forth negotiating with our preparer. So what for April-May-June? I have a strong sense that it has to be something easy. What about sewing? I want to learn to use my new sewing machine and work on some little projects. That could be my goal for the 2nd quarter of the year.
  

Monthly goals (April):

• Make contact with a friend and/or family member. In March, we had Rocket Boy's visit and I talked to my sisters. I also did another Zoom call with old friends, plus emailed with a lot of people who contacted me after the shooting. What for April? I think I'll respond to some other friends and stay in touch with family. It's enough, and of course, something else may come up too.
  
• Book group. I need to buy the book (Interior Chinatown by Charles Yu). We meet on the 20th.
  
• Classics Challenge 2021. I'm finally reading the first book on my list. It's fun. I may be ready to post about it next week -- we'll see.
  
• Take the twins somewhere fun. April might be a nice month to visit the Botanic Garden. I'll see.
  
• Donate $$ to some organization. I donated $250 to one of the funds for the victims' families this month. I'll think about April later. Maybe an environmental group.
  
• Do one of the smaller goals on my master list. April will be another health month -- there's just no getting around it. What with the Covid vaccine, dealing with this calcium problem and the possibility of surgery looming, a dermatology appointment mid-month, Teen B's first orthodontia appointment, and continuing to work on my new life with diabetes, I think there just won't be time to work on anything else.
  

And my weekly/daily plans:

• Monday: The new stove will be delivered between 11 and 3 (have to do some cleaning and furniture moving before it comes); otherwise, do school with the kids all day. Take a walk, plan the week's meals; go shopping somewhere, make something easy for dinner.
  
• Tuesday: Get the kids to school. Assuming I have a negative Covid result, go to my mammogram appointment and later call to make a new appointment to pick up my new glasses. Lift weights, take a walk, do something simple for dinner.
  
• Wednesday: Get the kids to school. Pick up my glasses? Go get the stupid blood test, take a walk. Call an electrician and arrange for him to rewire the kitchen at the rental. Cook dinner with Teen B (we're going to make what he tried to make a month ago when the stove died).
  
• Thursday: Get the kids to school. Spend some time writing. Lift weights, go for a walk, fix something easy for dinner, put out the trash and compost in the evening.
  
• Friday: Get the kids to school. Pay bills, go in at 11 and get my first Covid shot, take a walk. Hopefully leftovers for dinner.
  
• Saturday and Sunday: Recover from the shot, do laundry, go for walks (get the kids outside both days), blog, fix easy food or get takeout, think about what comes next.
  

I guess my main goal for this week is to try not to get too depressed. Just keep moving along, pace myself, don't make any grand plans. Leave time to feel sad, about the murder victims, and all my grieving neighbors, and myself, missing Rocket Boy and missing my grocery store. Go to bed at 11 each night, no later. Be good to the kids, who will be stressed about having to go back to school four days a week (we'll see how long that lasts before a positive Covid test shuts things down again). Take care of the cats. Cook, clean, keep the household running. If I can do all that, I'll be batting 1000. Speaking of which, Opening Day for the Rockies is April 1st. I plan to pay more attention to baseball this year. Maybe we'll even get to go to a game.