Those little moments of despair

It's February, in fact we only have three weeks left of it already. Such a helpful little month to have in the middle of winter, so short. We're still not having much winter, though. I'm not complaining! Today it's cool and windy, with gusts in the 40-50 mph range. (Well, the gusts are up the hill at NCAR, but I'm convinced the wind is still going nearly as fast when it makes it down here.) We've got about another hour until the High Wind Warning expires. 

The language used in weather forecasts endlessly amuses me. "Loose outdoor items should be brought inside or secured properly."

First of all, no one who lives here has any loose outdoor items, unless they belong to someone else and blew over the fence in the last windstorm.

Secondly, if you do have loose outdoor items, who's to say you don't want them to blow over the fence into someone else's yard? (For instance, this box of old patterns -- I don't have any use for them.) Maybe you're just looking for a chance to get rid of them. How is it the Weather Service's business what you do with your loose outdoor items?

I know, I know, they're from the Government and they're just trying to help.

Wind means no walk today (wind makes me cough), and I didn't take one yesterday, or Friday, or Thursday either. I can't even remember when I last took a walk. OK, just checked, it was Monday. Good grief, one walk a week isn't going to get me very far. On the positive side, the copy of Strong Women Stay Slim that I ordered from a little bookstore in Nebraska arrived about two days after I ordered it. On the negative side, I haven't done the weight-lifting exercises in it yet. But the book is here, I have my weights -- all I'm waiting for is a tiny bit of energy to make it happen once, after which it will be easier to do it a second time, and so on. Or at least that's the theory.

All this past week I've been having those little moments of despair, when I sink -- just for a moment -- into the abyss of depression and wonder why I even try. I think it has something to do with the pandemic possibly ending -- cases are going down! people are getting the vaccine! -- but at the same time NOT ending -- deaths are going up! new variants don't respond to the vaccines! It's such a feeling of being in limbo. I think it was in some article I read in the paper recently -- that compared our current situation to Waiting for Godot. "I can't go on like this." "That's what you think."

That sounds like time for our weekly coronavirus death toll update. Last week 440,272 people had died. As of this afternoon, 462,619 have. That's 22,347 this past week, for an average of 3192 a day, worse than last week's 3091. And this at a time when case numbers are dropping rapidly. The deaths have to drop at some point too, right? Why haven't they yet? I read somewhere that people aren't getting tested as much as they were before -- people have testing fatigue. I know I feel that way. If I start feeling sick I'll stay home, I won't run out and get tested. So maybe the case numbers aren't really dropping so precipitously.

I've been reading, some, though not as much as I'd like. I spent a little more time on Abraham Lincoln, finished an interesting book about anthropologists, read the book for the book group and some kids' books, and zipped through a Barbara Pym novel. Every February I read Barbara Pym -- I used to spend the whole month reading her books, but now I just read two. Last year I read An Unsuitable Attachment and An Academic Question, which means that this year it is time for The Sweet Dove Died (which I finished this morning) and Quartet in Autumn (which I started this afternoon). I had the same feeling I always do when reading The Sweet Dove Died -- that it's my least favorite of her novels, but as I go along I realize once again why it is actually a very good book. 

I could not be more different from the main character, Leonora, but this time, reading it, I felt an uncomfortable kinship with her. Leonora likes everything in her life to be perfect -- she cannot bear even the tiniest chip in a piece of porcelain. And while I do not care IN THE SLIGHTEST whether my porcelain has chips, I am very fussy about my time to myself. I like to have my favorite pictures around me, a cup of tea with milk, and THOUSANDS of books spilling over onto everything.

It is also important to me to have my Barbie dolls dressed correctly. Sometimes I can't go to bed and read until I change someone's clothes. I have a new doll (she's on the second shelf from the top, in the blue tie-dye sweatshirt) and I spent a lot of time this week trying to figure out what was going on between her (I call her Gale) and the tall Barbie next to her (Rose). Rose and Gale are cousins -- Gale is visiting from Canada -- and they are having some issues, so I had to think about them and their clothes.

However, I don't care at all about how the floors need vacuuming and the shelves need dusting, and how many of my bookshelves either have double rows of books OR a lot of dolls and other toys on them, which is not sustainable. (At some point I will have to get rid of some things.) I sit on my bed, in my little room, and I am entirely at peace, just like Leonora, a character I can't stand.

OK, plans for the week ahead?

• Cook dinner with one twin. It's Kid B's turn this week. Last week Kid A and I made Hawaiian chicken kabobs, which turned out quite well, even though I hate chicken.
  
• Lift weights. I have the book -- no excuses. Let's aim for Tuesday and Thursday.
  
• Bake something. Possibly not this week, since we're still eating Girl Scout cookies. On the other hand, I have some rotting bananas. Maybe banana bread.
  
• Watch a movie with the kids. I got a couple of movies at the library yesterday, but I don't know... Considering changing this to "Watch a movie or play a game with the kids." Kid B would like that.
  
• Blog. I'm doing it...
  
• Deal with the trash, recycling, compost... I have the bin half full of recycling for the coming week.
  
• Pay bills and put money into savings. I paid the first half of the property taxes for our house on Friday, a little over $1700. This is the first of five payments. Oddly, the cabin taxes are almost exactly half of those for the two houses, so it really will be five payments of about $1700 each, spread across about four months. This might be the first year I haven't been stressed out about this -- we have the money.
  
• Work on the current home improvement project. Total fail last week, but I have plans to make this happen this week. Maybe. 

I also have my extremely scary doctor appointment on Thursday, my book group meets tomorrow night, my parent support group meets Tuesday night, Kid A has a haircut scheduled for Friday, and the kids have Friday off from school. A four-day weekend, thank goodness. I have Rocket Boy's valentine all ready to mail, but no cookies or anything. That's what I should bake -- some valentine cookies. Oh dear, I don't think that's going to happen. 

I need to go finish the laundry and then maybe I could read Quartet in Autumn for a while, until it's time to make dinner. My little darlings have spent the day rotting their brains with video games -- at least they're being social, sitting so close together. I floated the idea of doing some catching up on homework, but there was little to no enthusiasm for it. I don't care. They might as well enjoy themselves. Take happiness where you can find it.