Bye, February

That was fast -- February, as usual, whizzed by, even though it contained more than the usual amount of unpleasantness. Now here comes March, a long, usually difficult month. Am I setting myself up for failure by referring to it that way? Or am I being realistic about what's ahead? Or maybe both?

The best thing about this March, in my opinion, is that Rocket Boy will be with us for most of it. He is currently scheduled to arrive on Friday, March 5th and stay about three weeks. March 5th is my daddy's birthday; he would have been 99 this year. Considering he only made it to 67, that's a lot of years to imagine him living. Rocket Boy is 66 and a half. Wow.

I am really really glad that he is coming, because I've just been depressed, plain and simple. I'm also feeling overwhelmed, with the diabetes diagnosis and 9 inches of snow and all the things that have been breaking. Most annoyingly, our oven went out this week. On Sunday night, the temperature (according to our oven thermometer) was around 350 degrees, even though the oven was set to 450. By Tuesday night, the oven wouldn't come on at all. Our stove is roughly 45 years old (all RB could remember was that it was "from the '70s"), so it may just be tired. We still have the owner's manual, called How to get the best from Your Range. It has a lot of tips that I probably should have read when I first moved into this house, in 2002.

I called the appliance repairman to come take a look at it, even though I think after 45 years ovens should be allowed to die. But the repairman didn't call back. I'll have to call again this week. I don't really want to shop for a new one without Rocket Boy's input. Meanwhile, we're having a hard time doing without an oven. I suddenly have a great desire to bake!

Also, at the rental next door, the over-the-stove microwave died, so I have to get them a new one, but first Rocket Boy needs to move the cabinet above the microwave, because a new one won't fit properly. I want to just call Home Depot and have them do everything, but there are all these complications.

Last Sunday, in my plans for the week that is now over, I pledged to make a lot of medical appointments -- and, amazingly, I followed through. Although I hate making phone calls, it seemed easier than housecleaning. So now I'm seeing my podiatrist again on Tuesday, the boys are seeing their orthodontist on Thursday, and I'm scheduled to get my eyes checked in mid-March. At the end of the month I'll have a mammogram. In April, I will see a dermatologist. Also this month there are multiple Zoom calls to discuss the boys' issues, and I'm taking my car in to have the leaking headlights replaced. 

And the boys are turning 13 and I have to somehow put on yet another Covid birthday celebration. Last year, right before the lockdown, Kid A went to a bounce place with one friend, but I was nervous the whole time we were there. Kid B wanted to take his friends to a movie, but then the lockdown happened and movie houses closed. This year they're open, or at least sort of, but I think most of his friends' parents are not letting their kids go anywhere. I'll have to make a fun birthday at home. Without an oven. Hey, store-bought cakes can be delicious, right? It will be just fine. But I do have to get busy and organize things, shop and whatnot. Which I am not in the mood to do.

So it's really good that Rocket Boy is coming home. It calms me down so much to think about that, despite the fact that I need to clean the filthy house first. I think he'll forgive me if it's dirty -- I just want to have it looking good for him. Like maybe NOT have the Christmas bush still up in the living room? I seem to be unable to touch it.

Looking beyond my tiny little life, I just want to note that it is so reassuring having Joe Biden as President. I find myself checking the news only once or twice a day, not constantly. (This is probably why I did very badly on the New York Times News Quiz this week.) It's not that everything is going well, it's just that I trust Biden not to do anything totally dreadful, as Trump was apt to do, nearly every day.

We did hit 500,000 coronavirus deaths this week, on Monday, but the number of deaths is definitely dropping (though I'm wondering whether Texas' numbers are wrong, due to the continuing mess out there). Last week, 498,033 people had died, and as of this afternoon 512,829 had died, for a total of 14,796 this week, an average of 2114 per day -- higher than last week's average of 1916 per day, but less than it was for months and months. That's still such an enormous number of people, though, and so many of them have been Black or Latinx. If we were to stay at this death rate -- which I don't think we will, I think it will keep going down -- we would hit 600,000 around April 10th.

I read in the paper that Colorado will make the vaccine available to people 60 and up (that's me) starting on March 5th, next Friday. I will be getting in line! (I will have to add that to my list of appointments this month.) Rocket Boy is scheduled to get his first dose here on March 8th -- he could have done it in Missouri, but out there it's only available in small red towns where people are refusing to get it, so they have extra. In St. Louis, where everybody wants it, they're "sold out."

OK, it's the start of a new week AND a new month, so I have a lot of goals to review. I think I should make some new resolutions regarding my diabetes diagnosis, but I don't feel ready. My only goal right now is to keep taking the Metformin -- I go up to 3 pills a day starting Wednesday. Once I get to 4 pills a day I will work harder on exercise.

Quarterly goals:

• Read a presidential biography. I am on page 573 of Team of Rivals, out of 754, so that's 76% of the book, just over three quarters, with five chapters left. It's a good book, but the Civil War is so depressing. I just want to get it over with.
  
• Work on a home improvement project. I am making some progress on the taxes. My goal is to finish with Rocket Boy (which means doing most of the work before he gets here). Maybe together we can work on the files too. I can dream!
  

Monthly goals:

• Make contact with at least one friend or family member. In February we had a family Zoom call and I wrote a letter to my friend in Los Angeles. What for March? I don't know, actually. Maybe the twins' birthday could count as the family thing, but what about friends? Must think.
  
• Read the book for the book group. I asked if we could move our meeting, so we'll meet on the 16th and I'll probably start the book (Kindred by Octavia E. Butler) a week before.
  
• Read the book for the Classics Challenge 2021. This week -- if all goes well -- I will finally post my list, and start reading the first book.
  
• Take the twins somewhere fun. We did nothing in February! But Rocket Boy will take them lots of places in March, to make up for it.
  
• Donate $$ to some organization. Last month I gave to a medical organization. For February I wanted to donate to a cultural group, because I've been worrying about what Covid is doing to music and musicians and music education. I finally gave $50 to the Colorado Music Relief Fund. I'll think about what to do for March later in the month.
  
• Do one of the smaller goals on my master list. February was supposed to be my health month, and it was, but I think March needs to be more of the same. I have three medical appointments scheduled so far, I'm trying to get used to the diabetes diagnosis, etc. I think, yeah, don't plan something else, just keep going with this.
  

And my weekly/daily plans:

• Monday: Horrible Day -- do school with the kids all day; take a walk to the park; do some cleaning in the living room/dining room; call the appliance repair guy again, plan the week's meals; get Kid A to plan his; go to Trader Joe's and/or Target; make a pasta dish for dinner.
  
• Tuesday: Podiatrist appointment at 9 am; help kids with school; wash bedding; straighten up our bedroom; lift weights, grocery shop; leftovers for dinner.
  
• Wednesday: Help the kids with school, do the kids' laundry, work on the taxes; vacuum; take a walk; cook dinner with Kid A (stovetop only); raise Metformin dose to 3/day.
  
• Thursday: Take Kid B to CU at 9 for testing; maybe do some shopping while he's there?; pick him up at 12 and take him to school; lift weights; put out trash and compost (try to throw a lot of things out before RB arrives on Friday); vacuum the office and the kids' room; change the milk order; work on taxes; take kids to orthodontist appointments after school (don't forget to bring Kid A's retainer); fix something easy for dinner.
  
• Friday: Pay bills; clean the bathroom and anything else that hasn't been done; take a walk; go shopping for the birthday; work on taxes; RB shows up at some point; leftovers for dinner.
  
• Saturday, Sunday and beyond: Deposit the stimulus check; get RB to move the cabinet above the microwave next door and take a look at our oven (if I haven't gotten the repair guy to come yet); make plans for the visit; watch a movie or play a game with the kids; eat out for dinner.

And a few other things to remember, not on a specific day:

• Read. It would be nice if I could finish Team of Rivals this week. Then I can start the book group book and the first Classics Challenge book and everything else I want to read.
  
• Write. I wanted to try for two days this week, plus blogging, but looking at the schedule -- I don't think so. Remember it if I need a fun thing to make the rest of the day go better.
  
• Sleep. With Daylight Saving Time approaching, I need to go to bed earlier. Aim for 11, not 11:30.

One thing about all these goals that I've been thinking about -- I think I plan too much for each day and that's why things don't get done. And yet, how can I not? How can I not plan to clean and cook -- how can I say, OK, I'm just going to read and write today, forget about the twins and the house and all that. And yet, often when I plan to clean and cook, I don't, and I might as well have spent the day reading and writing. It's a puzzle.

Diagnosis

I was reading over last Sunday's blog post, as I usually do, to remind myself of what I was thinking about last week and what I've already talked about. And I was struck by how sure I was that I would receive a diabetes diagnosis at my follow-up doctor appointment the next day, and how I was unhappy about that and about the diabetes medicine (and blood pressure medicine) that I would probably have to start taking.

Then I went to the doctor and received my Type 2 Diabetes diagnosis and my world fell apart.

I mean, why? Why, when I knew it was coming? 

I suppose it was partly because I'd managed to avoid it this long. My blood sugar was funky back in my 20s. I remember going to Planned Parenthood when I was, hmm, 22? because I wanted to go back on birth control pills (we don't need to go into why, exactly). Because my father had been diagnosed with type 2 diabetes since my last prescription, they insisted on giving me a glucose tolerance test before they'd prescribe the pill, and I failed it. At age 22! With a BMI of 22 or 23. And here I am at age 60, with a BMI over 40, having had gestational diabetes 13 years ago -- I mean, obviously, I was long overdue for this diagnosis.

It still blew my mind. And continues to.

It hasn't changed my lifestyle a lot yet. I've started taking metformin, the drug of choice for those newly diagnosed, but I only take one pill a day in order to get used to the side effects. Next Wednesday I'll start taking two pills a day, and so on up to four pills a day. I'm trying to eat three reasonable meals a day, instead of eating breakfast late and then snacking my way toward dinner. I'm trying -- but so far mostly failing -- to exercise every day. (Another foot of snow and subsequently icy sidewalks are complicating my plans. But at least I'm not in poor, poor Texas.) 

I'm trying to get enough sleep, but the metformin is messing with that. I'm sure it's the metformin, because it started the very first night I took the drug, and I didn't even know it was a possible side effect. According to an article on the NIH website:

Metformin-induced insomnia is widely mentioned in old and obese diabetic patients who have been diagnosed with diabetes mellitus recently...

Old and obese diabetic patients -- that's me -- who have been diagnosed with diabetes mellitus recently -- me again. The main problem I'm having is that I don't feel sleepy at bedtime. I turn off the light and settle down to sleep, but I feel wide awake. My mind isn't racing, I'm just not sleepy. Eventually I sleep, but as I start to drop off, I'm likely to wake up again. The first couple of nights I also woke up repeatedly throughout the night, but the last two nights that didn't happen, so maybe I'm adjusting to the drug. I hope so. It figures that the side effect I experience would be a mental one, not the gastrointestinal stuff that everyone else gets.

This morning I woke up at the usual time, around 7 or so, and felt awful, as though I hadn't slept well. Soon after, Kid A looked in on me, saying "This thing fell down in the night. A cat must have jumped up and grabbed it." "This thing" is a wall hanging my sister made for us years ago. It only falls down when a person bumps up against it -- no cat has ever managed to do it. Immediately I wondered if I'd been sleepwalking (another possible, though rare, complication of metformin). To the best of my knowledge I have never sleepwalked, so I'm going to chalk up the wall hanging falling down to... whatever.

The only other possible side effect I've experienced is chills, which is supposedly a symptom of lactic acidosis. But I don't have any other symptoms of it, I'm just cold. You might say, it's winter, of course you're cold. But I'm colder than normal. However, at the same appointment where I got my diagnosis, I was also given a flu shot and a pneumonia shot, and I stayed in bed most of the next day because I felt like I had the flu. So maybe the chills have something to do with that. I don't know.

It's been a bad week. I'm not even going to talk about how I drove for several miles with my parking brake on, which led to a tow by AAA, a $120 bill at the car repair place, and a long walk on icy sidewalks, which led to me falling down... OK, I said I wasn't going to talk about it. Anyway.

What really upset me, what really caused my head to explode, was what the doctor said after she gave me the bad news about my A1c level (6.7). Because a diabetes diagnosis triggers other things. Among these,

• I have to see the podiatrist again, because diabetics are prone to foot problems, leading to amputations and all that.
• I have to have a special eye exam for diabetics, not just a regular eye exam.
• I have to take a statin, eventually, because even though my cholesterol is only 176 and my LDL and HDL are only slightly off, diabetics are at a much greater risk of heart disease and stroke.
• I had to have a pneumonia shot, even though they're normally only recommended for people over 65, because people with diabetes are at increased risk of pneumonia.

In other words, diabetes puts you at a higher risk for everything. It ages you. Type 2 diabetes can lower your life expectancy by up to 10 years.

For a little while after I got my diagnosis I felt inspired, challenged. I thought, "I'll exercise and eat right and take metformin and I'll get my A1c level back down below the diabetes range." It's totally doable (well, for some people). But then, on an interesting website I found called Diatribe I read this:

Type 2 diabetes is a progressive disease, meaning that the body’s ability to regulate blood sugar gets worse over time, despite careful management. Over time, the body’s cells become increasingly less responsive to insulin (increased insulin resistance) and beta cells in the pancreas produce less and less insulin (called beta-cell burnout). In fact, when people are diagnosed with type 2 diabetes, they usually have already lost up to 50% or more of their beta cell function.  

And that's kind of where I am. Not to mention the fact that eating better and getting a lot more exercise sounds really daunting. And the fact that I've almost completely given up hope of ever losing any of my weight. Metformin is supposed to help you lose a little weight, but so far (after a whole four days) I've gained a pound.

When I woke up this morning (after what seemed like a bad night's sleep, as I mentioned above), I just felt really down. I felt as though I were dying, as though I didn't have long to live. I don't know what that's about, but I felt so sad. I started thinking about how little I've achieved in my 60 years, how totally not ready I am to leave this world.

I haven't even mentioned my high calcium level, which I have to have re-tested this coming week. If the number holds, I could have minor surgery in my future. Yeah, let's not think about that.

Oh, and my blood pressure! Jesus. I'm just falling apart. That's supposed to happen at 80, not 60.

To cheer ourselves up, how about a look at the coronavirus (complete with photo of drying masks)? The death rate has finally started to drop, though I know it might be partly due to reporting problems, with the dreadful winter storms across the country. Last week 484,621 people had died, and as of today 498,033 have died -- 13,412 this week, for an average of 1916 per day. That's a big drop from over 3000 a day. So that's really good. But still, almost 500,000 people. Monday or Tuesday we'll hit that number. But maybe deaths will continue to drop. It seems possible.

It's the start of a new week, so I should probably look at my plans for it. Everything's been thrown off by my diagnosis, but I'm still trying.

• Cook dinner with one twin. It was Kid A's turn last Wednesday, but we didn't manage to make it happen, and then things got worse. So he's cooking with me tonight -- chicken fingers and lemon bars. Then Kid B will need to choose his dish for this coming Wednesday. I also need to plan the rest of the week's meals. My doctor told me to avoid salt, prepared foods, and takeout. Of course, that's all I want to eat (oh, and sugar). Must find the strength, somehow, to prepare healthy meals.
  
• Exercise. I've got to keep trying. The snow on the ground and the fall I took on Friday are not making me feel like getting out.
  
• Write. This weird feeling that my life is ending makes me want to spend more time on writing. It's a pleasant thing to do in the morning. I'll try to make time for it a few days this week.
  
• Work on the taxes. I got a lot of papers sorted and am all set to start filling in our "tax organizer." I'll try to work on this a couple of times this week. It would be nice to be mostly done by the time Rocket Boy comes back, so we can finish it up together and send it to our preparer.
  
• Cleaning. Rocket Boy is planning to come back for another visit starting March 5th. This means I have less than two weeks to clean the house. Well, I guess I can get going on that. Finally putting away Christmas would be a good place to start. Sigh.
  
• Kids' stuff. The twins have dentist appointments (finally!) tomorrow afternoon at 2 and 2:30. Kid B also has an appointment on Thursday morning at CU to test his speech/hearing. I'll also need to help them both with school a lot this week, because they're both behind and they're both supposed to be writing research papers. Ha ha ha ha ha ha -- ok, just try.
  
• Medical stuff. Go in on Monday or Tuesday (probably Tuesday) to get my blood re-tested. Start taking 2 metformin a day on Wednesday. Work on those phone calls. The only appointment I managed to set up last week was for Merlin to get his nails trimmed (which happened, for $31, and now he is so much easier to love). This week I'll try for the eye doctor, and maybe the mammogram, the podiatrist, the dermatologist, the orthodontist -- oh, whatever. Just try.
  
• Reading. Read more of the Lincoln bio. I only managed to read 50 pages of it this week, and still want to reach page 495 by next Sunday, which is about 120 pages more. It's so boring and depressing now that the Civil War has started. I'll wait to start the Classics Challenge in March.

It crossed my mind yesterday that now that I'm an old sick dying person, maybe I'm going to need some help -- a cleaning lady, or someone to shovel the walks. Then I remembered that the twins should be the ones shoveling the walks, and that I am a bad mom for not making sure that happens. Oh God, that's all I need right now, to go down the Bad Mom rabbit hole. 

This isn't a very cheerful blog post. I think things will get better. Just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other (while trying not to slip and fall).

Cold snap

It's really really cold here, as it is across most of the country. This morning when I went out to get the paper it was -11 on our front porch thermometer -- I forgot to take a photo until later, so this shows it at only about -7. Fiercely cold air, extremely refreshing. After fetching the paper I decided to shovel the walks, since the snow had almost stopped. We only got a few inches, and it's like sugar, or maybe even powdered sugar -- such tiny granules, so light and dry. When I pushed the shovel along, the powder didn't clump together like it's supposed to, it just tumbled off the shovel, so I had to keep going back and re-doing sections of sidewalk. And when I tossed a shovelful onto the lawn, it didn't toss properly, it sort of floated in the air, only some of it landing on the lawn. Still, much easier to deal with than heavy, wet snow.

The sun came out later, though, and we are up to -4 (supposedly 2 elsewhere in the neighborhood). No melting, obviously, but the sun on our windows helps warm up the house. Tonight, it's supposed to get down to -9 (which means probably -12 or less on our porch). We are lucky to have a snug little house and a good furnace. Tomorrow's high is predicted to be 25, so I will get out and about -- take my next-door neighbor (whose car battery has died) to the auto supply store and perhaps the grocery store, and I have a doctor's appointment in the late afternoon.

But today I am just being a slug, as are the twins, as usual. Rocket Boy sent us two boxes of chocolates -- which I so didn't need, but it's nice to be remembered with chocolate on Valentine's Day. He also sent a nice card. I sent him a card too, which I thought hadn't arrived in time, but I just talked to him and he said he found it (it was in the mailbox of the people who live in the apartment below him). So I'm happy about that.

The chocolates are from an old St. Louis candy store called Merb's, because I complained about the Russell Stover's chocolate he's been buying when he drives through Kansas City. Raised on See's, I really dislike Russell Stover's. The Merb's chocolate is pretty good, though not as good as See's. I have already had way too much of it.

Speaking of eating too much chocolate and needing to eat better -- that's a clumsy transition, but OK -- this was a big healthcare week for me, beginning on Monday with a surprise phone call from my dentist's office. They had an opening on Tuesday -- would I like it? Oh, yes, I would, thank you so much. So on Tuesday I had my first cleaning in about a year, and what a wonderful feeling that was. They discovered that an old filling had broken off, so back I went on Wednesday and they replaced it. My dentist also gave me a referral to an orthodontist, because my teeth have been moving around in inappropriate ways. 

Then on Thursday I had my much-dreaded physical with my new doctor, and it wasn't (of course) as bad as I'd feared. It's funny -- I'd seen photographs of this doctor and had taken a dislike to her based on them (as well as, of course, on my anxieties). But when I finally met her, of course she was wearing a mask and looked completely different. I liked her immediately. So silly. 

I have to go back and see her tomorrow, though, because we had so many things to talk about that we didn't make it through everything in the first appointment. Also, hopefully by then she'll have my lab results and we can talk about them. But we already know that something's wrong, because my blood pressure was sky high. I can't remember the exact numbers, but I think it started at something like 145/90 and then went down to maybe 132/88 by the end of the appointment -- but those are all terrible numbers and by far the worst I've ever had. I assume it's caused by my weight, and maybe not enough exercise, but I suspect there will be blood pressure medicine in my future and I am sad about that. Almost certainly there will also be diabetes medicine in my future, but we'll know more after the bloodwork comes back.

I do wonder whether having to take a lot of medications might finally get me to lose weight, but I don't know. Even when I am truly motivated to lose weight, I don't seem to be able to do it anymore, and if I do lose a little, it comes right back on. 

On the other hand, she urged me to reduce my intake of salty foods and I haven't had a potato chip since Thursday, nor do I feel deprived. I have, however, had a large intake of Valentine's chocolate. Oh, sigh.

Anyway, I'm glad that I finally saw a doctor, but not at all glad to find out that there are serious problems to be dealt with. Why can't I just have a heart attack and die in my sleep? OK, that was a terrible thing to say, just awful. What would two babies do? Must get my health problems under control and NOT die in my sleep, at least not for 20 years or so. Will two babies be able to manage without me in 20 years? They will be 32, almost 33. Hmm.

In addition to going back to see this new primary care physician again tomorrow, I have a lot of other appointments I'm supposed to be making. Here is the list:

• Orthodontist, if I decide to go forward with this. I probably should at least talk to them. Then it will turn out to be too expensive and I can forget about it.
  
• Dermatologist, because I mentioned that I'd had a squamous cell cancer removed a couple of years ago. "Are you having yearly skin checks?" she asked. "Should I be?" I asked. She looked at me like I was crazy. "Once you have one skin cancer, you should always be checked regularly." At Kaiser, it was less often, I think. They told me I should be checked -- was it every six months? -- and if nothing was found after a year I could drop down to every two years? Something like that. I had one full body exam and then "forgot" to have any others.
  
• Ophthalmologist, to get my eyes checked before getting new glasses.
  
• Radiology place for a mammogram.
• Vet to get Merlin's toenails clipped.

I tried to work on this list on Friday and it was too overwhelming. I finally called the vet on Saturday and they didn't answer, so that was the end of that. I'll try again on Monday. I should probably choose one phone call per day, because this is a very scary list.

Speaking of scary, let's do a quick coronavirus update. Despite the fact that cases are continuing to drop, there were still a lot of deaths this week, though some had occurred at earlier dates and were just being reported now. So the numbers are iffy, but here they are: last week at this time 462,619 people in the U.S. had died of the virus, and as of today, 484,621 people have died, a total of 22,002 this week for an average of 3143 each day. That is truly terrible, but maybe this week will be better. At this rate we will have passed 500,000 before next Sunday, but I have hope that things will slow down a little. The vaccines have got to start making a difference.

We are now almost 3/4 of the way through a wonderful four-day weekend, and I am feeling sad because I didn't get much done. I was planning to do all the prep work for our taxes, I was planning to work with the kids on catching up with schoolwork (we did do some math yesterday), I was planning to finally take the Christmas tree down and put everything away. Oh, yes, the Christmas tree. Merlin has knocked it down so many times and pulled out so many branches that I finally gave up and left it in a heap. We call it the Christmas bush, since the lights still come on automatically every night at 5:30 (and go off at 11:30).

This is really pathetic, I know.

Well, it's a new week ahead, so let's make plans.

• Cook dinner with one twin. It's Kid A's turn this week. Last week Kid B and I made "Taco Dogs" -- horrible tacos with sliced fried hot dogs as the meat. He wanted to make cupcakes for dessert and we finally got them made on Friday (as if we needed more sweets in the house).
  
• Take walks and lift weights. I was doing well on walks, but this weather is pretty daunting. Maybe later in the week I'll go out again. We're supposed to gradually warm up. The weight lifting, on the other hand, I am totally failing at. Try, try again.
  
• Bake something. Probably not, unless I make that banana bread. What we really need are vegetables, not baked goods.
  
• Watch a movie or play a game with the kids. I was sure we would do this at some point this weekend, but so far it hasn't happened. Maybe tonight?
  
• Blog. I'm doing it...
  
• Deal with the trash, compost... It's compost this week. Probably won't rake any leaves!
  
• Pay bills and save money. Next Friday I'll pay the first half of the property taxes for the rental house. Looking forward to that -- very satisfying.
  
• Work on the taxes. My plan to work on the files and piles of paper in the office has turned into tax preparation, which was supposed to be made easier by the filing -- but since the filing hasn't happened, now the focus is all on the taxes. It's fine, it's fine, don't stress about failure, just move on and get this done.
  
• Clean something. This week is supposed to be the bedrooms. What I'd like to do is clean off the top of my dresser, which has gotten impossible again. I'm not sure about the twins' room, will have to think about it.
• Medical stuff. Go to my appointment tomorrow, get to work on whatever the doctor and I decide as a plan. Make those phone calls, or at least some of them.
• Reading. Read some more chapters of the Lincoln bio (I'm trying to get to page 495 this month and I am only on 323 -- need to get serious about this). Also, I'm just about ready to start the Classics Challenge -- maybe that could happen this week too. I keep changing my mind about what books to read.
  

One thing that's been completely set aside recently is writing, and that makes me sad. If I could get my other tasks done more efficiently I would have time to write. But everything is such a source of anxiety for me. The dishes are a source of anxiety. The laundry is a source of anxiety. The litter boxes are a source of anxiety. And then there are those phone calls. I spend -- easily -- 3/4 of my time being anxious (and watching impeachment trials on the NY Times website, stuff like that). Then in the 1/4 that is left, I work on laundry and dishes. I tell myself that this is a choice. I could choose to get things done more quickly and efficiently.

I wonder if that's true, or maybe I need to be on some sort of anti-anxiety medicine. Oh, please, no. 

Well, this week (if all goes well) the twins will go to school on both Thursday and Friday, and I'll get some time to myself. That does help. Maybe I'll get a little more done. We'll see.

Those little moments of despair

It's February, in fact we only have three weeks left of it already. Such a helpful little month to have in the middle of winter, so short. We're still not having much winter, though. I'm not complaining! Today it's cool and windy, with gusts in the 40-50 mph range. (Well, the gusts are up the hill at NCAR, but I'm convinced the wind is still going nearly as fast when it makes it down here.) We've got about another hour until the High Wind Warning expires. 

The language used in weather forecasts endlessly amuses me. "Loose outdoor items should be brought inside or secured properly."

First of all, no one who lives here has any loose outdoor items, unless they belong to someone else and blew over the fence in the last windstorm.

Secondly, if you do have loose outdoor items, who's to say you don't want them to blow over the fence into someone else's yard? (For instance, this box of old patterns -- I don't have any use for them.) Maybe you're just looking for a chance to get rid of them. How is it the Weather Service's business what you do with your loose outdoor items?

I know, I know, they're from the Government and they're just trying to help.

Wind means no walk today (wind makes me cough), and I didn't take one yesterday, or Friday, or Thursday either. I can't even remember when I last took a walk. OK, just checked, it was Monday. Good grief, one walk a week isn't going to get me very far. On the positive side, the copy of Strong Women Stay Slim that I ordered from a little bookstore in Nebraska arrived about two days after I ordered it. On the negative side, I haven't done the weight-lifting exercises in it yet. But the book is here, I have my weights -- all I'm waiting for is a tiny bit of energy to make it happen once, after which it will be easier to do it a second time, and so on. Or at least that's the theory.

All this past week I've been having those little moments of despair, when I sink -- just for a moment -- into the abyss of depression and wonder why I even try. I think it has something to do with the pandemic possibly ending -- cases are going down! people are getting the vaccine! -- but at the same time NOT ending -- deaths are going up! new variants don't respond to the vaccines! It's such a feeling of being in limbo. I think it was in some article I read in the paper recently -- that compared our current situation to Waiting for Godot. "I can't go on like this." "That's what you think."

That sounds like time for our weekly coronavirus death toll update. Last week 440,272 people had died. As of this afternoon, 462,619 have. That's 22,347 this past week, for an average of 3192 a day, worse than last week's 3091. And this at a time when case numbers are dropping rapidly. The deaths have to drop at some point too, right? Why haven't they yet? I read somewhere that people aren't getting tested as much as they were before -- people have testing fatigue. I know I feel that way. If I start feeling sick I'll stay home, I won't run out and get tested. So maybe the case numbers aren't really dropping so precipitously.

I've been reading, some, though not as much as I'd like. I spent a little more time on Abraham Lincoln, finished an interesting book about anthropologists, read the book for the book group and some kids' books, and zipped through a Barbara Pym novel. Every February I read Barbara Pym -- I used to spend the whole month reading her books, but now I just read two. Last year I read An Unsuitable Attachment and An Academic Question, which means that this year it is time for The Sweet Dove Died (which I finished this morning) and Quartet in Autumn (which I started this afternoon). I had the same feeling I always do when reading The Sweet Dove Died -- that it's my least favorite of her novels, but as I go along I realize once again why it is actually a very good book. 

I could not be more different from the main character, Leonora, but this time, reading it, I felt an uncomfortable kinship with her. Leonora likes everything in her life to be perfect -- she cannot bear even the tiniest chip in a piece of porcelain. And while I do not care IN THE SLIGHTEST whether my porcelain has chips, I am very fussy about my time to myself. I like to have my favorite pictures around me, a cup of tea with milk, and THOUSANDS of books spilling over onto everything.

It is also important to me to have my Barbie dolls dressed correctly. Sometimes I can't go to bed and read until I change someone's clothes. I have a new doll (she's on the second shelf from the top, in the blue tie-dye sweatshirt) and I spent a lot of time this week trying to figure out what was going on between her (I call her Gale) and the tall Barbie next to her (Rose). Rose and Gale are cousins -- Gale is visiting from Canada -- and they are having some issues, so I had to think about them and their clothes.

However, I don't care at all about how the floors need vacuuming and the shelves need dusting, and how many of my bookshelves either have double rows of books OR a lot of dolls and other toys on them, which is not sustainable. (At some point I will have to get rid of some things.) I sit on my bed, in my little room, and I am entirely at peace, just like Leonora, a character I can't stand.

OK, plans for the week ahead?

• Cook dinner with one twin. It's Kid B's turn this week. Last week Kid A and I made Hawaiian chicken kabobs, which turned out quite well, even though I hate chicken.
  
• Lift weights. I have the book -- no excuses. Let's aim for Tuesday and Thursday.
  
• Bake something. Possibly not this week, since we're still eating Girl Scout cookies. On the other hand, I have some rotting bananas. Maybe banana bread.
  
• Watch a movie with the kids. I got a couple of movies at the library yesterday, but I don't know... Considering changing this to "Watch a movie or play a game with the kids." Kid B would like that.
  
• Blog. I'm doing it...
  
• Deal with the trash, recycling, compost... I have the bin half full of recycling for the coming week.
  
• Pay bills and put money into savings. I paid the first half of the property taxes for our house on Friday, a little over $1700. This is the first of five payments. Oddly, the cabin taxes are almost exactly half of those for the two houses, so it really will be five payments of about $1700 each, spread across about four months. This might be the first year I haven't been stressed out about this -- we have the money.
  
• Work on the current home improvement project. Total fail last week, but I have plans to make this happen this week. Maybe. 

I also have my extremely scary doctor appointment on Thursday, my book group meets tomorrow night, my parent support group meets Tuesday night, Kid A has a haircut scheduled for Friday, and the kids have Friday off from school. A four-day weekend, thank goodness. I have Rocket Boy's valentine all ready to mail, but no cookies or anything. That's what I should bake -- some valentine cookies. Oh dear, I don't think that's going to happen. 

I need to go finish the laundry and then maybe I could read Quartet in Autumn for a while, until it's time to make dinner. My little darlings have spent the day rotting their brains with video games -- at least they're being social, sitting so close together. I floated the idea of doing some catching up on homework, but there was little to no enthusiasm for it. I don't care. They might as well enjoy themselves. Take happiness where you can find it.