Coming to terms

This was a hard week, but I'm coming around. Last Sunday I wrote about how we'd learned that Teen B has autism and how bad I felt about that (for so many reasons). I spent much of Monday crying, some of Tuesday, a little of Wednesday. But I'm feeling better now. This is why:

1.  So many things are making sense now, as I look back. Of course he's always been autistic. It was masked by Teen A, whose dyslexic/ADHD behavior kind of drowned out Teen B's autistic behavior, but it was there.
2. Clearly, things got worse/changed when he hit adolescence. For years now we've been blaming his brother, Teen A, for being mean to him and somehow changing him from the sweet little boy he was into the difficult teenager he is now. Yes, Teen A was mean to him, but I don't think that had anything to do with the change. It's a known fact that adolescence can make autism more obvious. People with autism can also "regress." I think some of that is what happened. It wasn't anybody's fault.
3. Knowing he's autistic means I don't have to get upset when he acts weird. It's just the autism. Every Sunday when we go to Starbucks I wonder, why can't he order for himself, why does he have to whisper his order to me so that I can repeat it to the counter person? But knowing that he has autism I can just let that go. He (thinks he) wants to go to CU next year, and I look around at all the CU students in Starbucks and think, really? He's going to fit in here? Now I know that he probably won't, because of the autism, but he won't be the only autistic kid, and maybe there will be a place for him. I don't know.
4. I've joined a subReddit called "Autism_Parenting" which is incredibly depressing because most of the parents have level 3 kids. But it reminds me that I'm lucky I only have a level 1/2 kid. Plus, it's a community. I've joined a community. Not a community I ever wanted to join, but still. Here I am and it's nice to have "people."
5. Regardless of the autism, I still love him a lot and I've always loved him. In fact, I feel even more loving towards him than I did before, because now I know the weird behavior is just autism. 

Last night I tried to remember odd behavior from his childhood. Did he do X or did Kid/Baby A do X? Or both? Like the time that we went to Marina and Gabor's in SLO and one or both of the kids wouldn't stop opening and closing the sliding glass door. But I can't find anything about that in my old blog (I'll keep looking), so I can't remember who was responsible. Definitely it was Teen B (Baby B, Kid B) who loved elevators, who couldn't get enough of them, wanting to go up and down over and over.

In March 2010, right before their second birthday, we went to Joshua Tree and they were incredibly bad in the hotel.

Within minutes of our arrival, Baby A discovered the phone and pressed the button to call the front desk. A moment later he did it again. So we put that phone in the closet and unplugged the other one... Our room had a little kitchen attached to it, and the second night we were there, the boys decided to bang the cupboard doors open and shut over and over. Then the phone in the closet rang: it was the front desk: someone had complained about the noise! At 8pm! This morning RB let them ride in the elevator (just for fun -- we were on the 1st floor) and Baby A pushed the emergency phone button which calls the fire department. 

Normal two-year-old behavior? Or the joys of ADHD in one twin and autism in the other? I think on that trip we were definitely blaming Baby A for most of the trouble. Baby B was just going along with it.

A few months later we went to the California Living Museum in Bakersfield, and Baby B ran away from me, twice. Once, another family returned him, but the second time... 

Baby B's path went over a tiny bridge above a stream, and instead of crossing it, he sat down on it, and then suddenly lowered himself into the water! RB and I both screamed and ran to snatch him out. He was soaked and filthy -- the water was muddy. And I hadn't brought any extra shoes and socks. I led him over to a grassy picnic area, pulling him on his leash instead of carrying him so I wouldn't get muddy, but I felt terrible because he was crying all the way.

Normal two-year-old behavior or autism? No way to know. It could be normal. Two-year-olds do a lot of goofy things.

Here's a time we tried to go to the Exotic Feline Breeding Compound's Feline Conservation Center in Rosamond, when they were almost five. Both kids were bad and wouldn't follow the rules.

Baby B continues to yell at me about how he wants to go on the rock, and then starts kicking the fence around the cats' cage, hard. Everyone is staring at us and the cats are getting more and more agitated.  I give up, pick him up, and carry him out of the park, still screaming. 

It took forever to calm them down enough to get in the car, and Baby B screamed pretty much all the rest of the way to Palmdale. He kept saying "I wanted to see more CATS!!!" It was horrible... In Palmdale, Rocket Boy and Baby A shopped at Kohl's, while I stayed with Baby B, who was too freaked out to leave the car. 

Normal five-year-old behavior? Or an autism meltdown? You tell me.

I also remember all the times he threw fits (after we moved back to Boulder) because something about his routine changed, or something happened that he wasn't expecting. It all makes sense now. I mean, it made sense then, but after Children's Hospital told us he didn't have autism (when he was 8), it didn't make sense, for a long time. Now it makes sense again.

Now I have to figure out what to do next. Do I tell his counselor? Do I tell his teachers? Do I contact the Special Education department? This would be a lot simpler if the parent support group that I used to be in was still running. I guess I could still email the person who ran it (she's retired now, but still keeps in touch) and ask her what she would do if she were me.

***

Well, other than ASD, the week was pretty quiet. My book group rescheduled to this week, so there weren't any weird nights. However, I didn't feel at all like cooking, so it was kind of hit or miss. Rocket Boy brought takeout one night. I forget what we did the other nights.  

One fun thing: on Friday night, Teen A and I went suit shopping (for him to wear to Prom). We went first to Macy's, and they had some nice things, but there was not a soul in the department, no one to measure him, no one to help. So we left and went to the Men's Wearhouse in Boulder. I'd read that their suits are of lesser quality, but not so bad if you aim for the high end. We told the helpful man there that we wanted a dark gray suit, and he showed us a beautiful Calvin Klein suit, charcoal gray with tiny white stripes blended in. He said it was a sharkskin pattern. I'm not quite sure about that, because I thought sharkskin was shiny and this suit was not shiny. Anyway, it looked so good on Teen A, that after we saw that, there was no reason to look further. They didn't have the pants in his size, so we ordered those. We came home with the jacket and a white shirt, we'll get the pants later, and we still have to think about a tie (maybe with pink in it, to match his girlfriend's dress). He wants to wear it with his black sneakers. Fine.  

Today, our big achievement has been to put the Christmas boxes in the basement. It's only February 8th. But Christmas is GONE from our house (except for a few stray items -- there are always a few stray items).

This coming week is terribly complicated. Conferences Monday night, Teen B's concert on Tuesday night, and my book group on Thursday. I have no idea what to cook this week. Oh, and the power's supposed to be turned off at some time tomorrow, anywhere between 8 and 5 pm. Maybe I will spend the day in bed, reading.

I'm trying to get back into walking, after a couple of weeks of being really lazy and sluggish. Yesterday I was out walking and I thought -- there is nothing to look at! Nothing growing, hardly any birds. Normally in February, there's ice and snow covering things, but now it's all exposed and bare -- and there's nothing. Well, I told myself, the earth is resting. Don't worry about it. Think quiet thoughts. I tried.