June gloom

I think it's supposed to clear up a bit this week, and I am certainly ready for that! I remember when I was young, I liked cloudy days, I liked the fog that crept over the mountains from the ocean. I thought it was romantic.

Now it just seems dreary (granted, we don't have fog, we just have clouds). Not even any good thunderstorms to speak of, just drippy wetness.

This past week was supposed to be "Garden Week," but it rained so much that I hardly got out into the garden at all. I did make it to the nursery behind King Soopers one day, and bought some more flowers for my porch boxes -- and planted them, so now the boxes look very full and pretty, if a bit jumbled. I still want to plant some more pots, maybe in a week or two. And our next-door neighbor gave me a basil start to add to my basil planter, so I need to get that planted, maybe later today.

I wrote last week that I was going to have to ease into summer gradually, not expect the first week to contain any big achievements. I was certainly right about that. There were no achievements at all. One thing that I'm having to deal with is that we are going to bed so late! I don't think I turned off my light before 1:00 am any night this week. It's because Teen A has decided to go to bed late, so there are lights on in the front of the house until very late (which means there are lights shining into our bedroom). I think I've already given up fighting this. I had to make various appointments this week and each time when the person asked, "What's a good day/time?" I answered, "Any day, just not early in the morning."

I thought we would get started with Teen B's driving practice this week. I decided we would drive (a little) on Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Saturdays. Teen B's response to this plan was that sure, he would drive -- as long as he could wear flip flops. No, I said, you can't drive in flip flops, that's not safe. And we were at an impasse, and there we remain. I don't want to push it too much, because the more I push, the more his position will harden. But I think it's possible we won't drive at all this summer. 

I was worried that Teen A would do nothing this summer except play video games (like last summer). But it seems that his friends have other plans. Three or four days this week he went out with friends (they picked him up or he took the bus), and two of those times he brought his swim bag and apparently went swimming, or did water sports of some sort. He won't tell me where he's going or who he's going to be with, but I'm glad he's getting out and about.

Last night around 10:30, Rocket Boy was expressing concern that Teen A wasn't home yet. "You know," I said, "when I was 17, I had a 2 am curfew on weekends." And this is true. "What would you do until 2 am?" Rocket Boy wanted to know. I thought about it. "Well, we went to the midnight movie a lot," I said. "And we'd go out to the Baylands and park and make out, but I don't think Teen A is doing that." (As far as we know -- which isn't far -- there are no girls in the picture.) "This was with Greg, the racist?" Rocket Boy asked. (My high school love interest is now a white supremacist.) "Yes," I said sadly.

Teen A got home at about 11:45 pm, not smelling of anything or acting drugged in any way. I suppose we should set an actual curfew for him, but so far I don't really see a problem. Nine months left until he's 18.

I had some trouble with cooking this week. On Monday, Rocket Boy made scallop pasta, which is the same thing he made for the boys while I was gone. He just made it again, which I thought was weird, but I was grateful (though I wouldn't eat it because I don't like scallops and was feeling sick from the shot). On Tuesday, I made Brenda's sticky tofu (which I make once a month). Wednesday I was supposed to make tacos, but I just couldn't. The thought of cooking anything made me so angry and upset that we ended up having leftovers and whatnot. I'm not sure I ate anything that night.

I went online, looking for answers to this problem of Not Wanting To Cook At All Ever Again. Mostly, I found the usual advice about planning meals ahead of time, setting up a rotation, and suggestions of easy meals. I really think I have done everything I can in that department and I still Don't Want To Cook At All Ever Again.

Then I found something different: an article about how to reset your mind about cooking. It was called "Why you hate cooking (and what you can do about it)" on a website called "Vegan Family Kitchen." It was followed by another post called "20+ things you can do to find joy in cooking" and that had several good suggestions.

I think these articles gave me three ideas that helped me this week.

1. Gaza. Think of the starving people who have nothing to eat and here you are, GETTING to cook all these delicious foods in your well-stocked kitchen.
2. Nourish yourself first. I'm going to try to plan more meals that *I* want to eat, don't worry about my family so much. Rocket Boy will eat pretty much anything and the kids often don't even like foods I expressly plan for them to love. I should focus more on pleasing myself.
3. The best cook in the household should be in charge of the cooking. Might that person be you? This is not what the article says -- it says the person most concerned about healthy eating should be in charge of it. That person is actually probably Rocket Boy. But I am the best cook. And I think the best cook should probably do the most cooking, not because she's forced to, but because she's good at it. As I cooked on Thursday (those tacos) and Friday (a frittata), I thought about how I am a decent cook and I'm doing something I'm good at. That helped.

So, on we go, and I'm sure I'll have plenty more days this summer (and in my lifetime) when I don't want to cook. But I did a little bit of attitude re-setting this week, and I think that was good. 

Now if only there were a way to reset my attitude about cleaning the litter boxes!

Since we're talking about food, this might be a good place for the Mounjaro report. I skipped it last week because, as expected, I gained weight on my trip -- DESPITE ALL THAT WALKING! I always gain weight when I travel, it's not worth worrying about. But this week I got rid of it.

• Weight the morning I took my first shot: 254.6
• Weight two Sundays ago: 219.2
• Weight this morning (after 51+ weeks on Mounjaro): 218.6

Look at that! We are just shy of a year since I started this drug, and I am down 36 pounds! I just checked and I actually took my first shot on June 14th last year, so next Saturday will be the one-year mark. And I'll probably gain weight this week, just to spite myself, or just because my body never does what I want it to. But seriously, 36 pounds! The big sack of kitty litter that I buy (Dr. Elsey's) is 35 pounds and it's terribly heavy. I usually get Teen A to carry it into the house for me, but this week he was being snotty, so I had to carry it. It's horrible! And I had that much extra weight on my body!

I feel so good with all that weight gone. So light and free. Also, I've noticed that having the scale read "21X.X" makes me feel really skinny. I wonder what it will feel like when it reads "20X.X" -- that's hard to imagine. But since the weight is continuing to come off, very very slowly, there probably will come a time -- maybe a year from now -- when I'm below 210. And maybe in a couple of years it will be 19X.X. It's possible.

I felt really good when I was in Michigan. I was not the thinnest person at the memorial service, in fact, many of the people I saw there were thinner than I was. People seem to do one of two things as they age: they get fatter (most of us), or they get thinner, sort of shrivel up. And, OK, some people stay the same. And anyone who saw me probably thought I'd gotten fatter. But I still felt good and I've continued to feel good since getting back. "I've lost 35 -- now 36 -- pounds," I sing to myself (silently) as I walk the aisles of the grocery store. 

Also, I can't get over my hair! I always think my hair looks awful these days, so thin and graying. But compared to everyone I used to know, I'm still blonde! In fact, it's apparently odd that I still have so much color. I was quite taken with my friend Janice's hair, which is completely gray, kind of a silvery white, and very pretty with her non-wrinkled face. Her hair looks like she dyed it that way on purpose, like Phoebe Bridgers. But most people's gray hair looks kind of dull. Compared to them, I'm like this blonde bombshell. Well, no, not really. But I'm going to try to enjoy the blonde, in the time I have left with it.

I planned to get back into political tasks this week, but I did nothing. Didn't even write a letter to the editor. Next Saturday there are official 50501 protests, so Rocket Boy and I will participate in one of those, and maybe I can do something during the week too. I feel bad about dropping my "five political things a week" plan, but I think I'm starting to be resigned to that. I'd like to do at least ONE political thing a week, though, so I will try to do something this week (in addition to Saturday's protest).

I think there are a few problems: 

1. I feel hopeless.
2. I don't know what to focus on, there are too many things. 
3. I feel especially hopeless and confused about the Israel-Gaza situation.

Of course, DOING political things makes you feel less hopeless, so I am really failing myself there. But the "too many things" problem, and the confusion about Gaza are real. I want to support Jewish people, but I don't want to support Netanyahu's policies. I want to support Gaza, but I don't want to support people who destroy peony gardens and set Jews on fire. I can't figure out what I want to say in a letter to the editor. So I do nothing. I'm paralyzed.

Yesterday, on his way home from swimming, Rocket Boy stopped at a farmstand and bought a dozen eggs. They cost $9 and he only had a $10 and they didn't have change. "Peony blossoms are one dollar," they said helpfully, so he brought me home a peony.

The fortunes on the table with the peony are from the takeout Chinese food we got last night. We got masses of it, and the kids didn't eat it (Teen A was out and Teen B is sick and grumpy), so we'll have it again tonight and maybe tomorrow. My fortune was really weird: "It must be home-grown." What kind of a fortune is that? What does it even mean? 

I googled it and came up with a quote from Stephen Covey: "Character cannot be purchased, bargained for, inherited, rented or imported from afar. It must be home-grown." Is that where my fortune came from? I'm not sure I can do anything with that, but after all, it's only a fortune cookie.

When Teen B and I went to Starbucks this morning, a song was playing in the background that I recognized. Jimmy Cliff singing "You can get it if you really want." "That song was popular when I was in college," I told Teen B. "Don't care, didn't ask," he said, as usual. "In fact, I think I still have the record." When we got home, I looked for it. Sure enough, there it was in the record cabinet, between Petula Clark and Phil Collins. The song has been going through my head ever since.

You can get it if you really want
You can get it if you really want
You can get it if you really want
But you must try, try and try, try and try
.......
You'll succeed at last. 

OK, the week ahead. The second full week of June, and we hope, not as cold and gray and rainy as this past week has been. I have three things scheduled for Monday (a cat vet appointment, a teen haircut appointment, and my book group in the evening) and nothing else the rest of the week, but it will probably fill up. I will try to call the oral surgeon about getting Teen A and Teen B's wisdom teeth out. And work in the yard and work on genealogy and cook dinner and all that good stuff.

On my summer schedule it says this will be "Bird Week," and that's a nice idea. I love the Merlin app on my phone, so maybe I'll focus on using that more. Yesterday there were some little birds hopping around in the lilac bush outside the window, so I turned on the app and it said they were bushtits. Bushtits! I actually screamed the word, and so the bushtits flew away, into the neighbor's tree, and they're so little that then I couldn't see them anymore. 

One of the benefits of having it be cool and wet is that the magpies have not gone away yet (they retreat into the mountains when it gets hot). In fact, they are in our yard! Last summer I noticed that magpies were coming to eat the citronella candle that I'd left out on the patio table, so this winter we put out some suet, and the magpies occasionally stopped by to eat it. Yesterday, Rocket Boy suggested I put my can of bacon fat out there, see if they'll eat that. I did, but I'm not sure they've sampled it. Still, they're in the yard, yelling away. Magpies. I don't need the Merlin app to identify them! I can't think of an easier to identify bird, both by sight and by sound.