May, lovely May

What can you say about this month other than ahhhhhh? So lovely! We had more rain this week, so much rain that everything just exploded. Dandelions, onions, grass, weeds (I suppose the dandelions are weeds, but they're so pretty).

I've started planting my flower boxes, but I'm not done, so no pictures yet. 

In addition to the rain, we also had very poor air quality, due to forest fires in Canada. But it's better today. We're in the "Moderate" category on AirNow.gov, rather than "Unhealthy" where we've been the last two days. Friday in particular was weird, because we also had heavy rain that day. The combination of the dark rain clouds and the dark particulate matter made the sky and the mountains look spooky.

But today, as I said, is better. It's very pretty out there. Since it didn't rain yesterday, Teen A and I went out and mowed -- a small section of the back yard and then the front yard. And while we were working on the front yard, what did we see but BEES! Actual honeybees, and maybe some native bees, going from flower to flower. I believe those are the first bees I've seen this year. It's been terrible -- the cold weather we had apparently killed everybody's hives.

So we didn't mow down ALL the dandelions. We left two sections of them -- some with the onions around the honey locust tree, and then a big patch around what's left of the birch tree. It's hard to mow in those areas anyway, might as well leave it for the bees (for now, while the dandelions are blooming). I went out again half an hour after we finished and there were still bees in the patches we left.

And of course, the back yard is still full of dandelions, though they're going to seed.

This was a decently productive week, despite the rain (which always lowers my spirits). It could have been better, but I take what I can get. I didn't do very well with the files. I worked on them a couple of days, but didn't get very far. Going through the files on dead people, I'm learning things about them I hadn't known before. 

I spent a lot of time staring at pieces of paper, trying to decide whether the information on them would be of any use to anyone, ever. Mostly, I concluded, it wouldn't. Rocket Boy would probably be the only person even mildly interested in most of it, and he's unlikely to go back into it because it makes him sad. Our kids, with their dyslexia and general hatred of reading, just won't care. Maybe one of them will marry an amateur historian, so for that imaginary future relative I am saving some stuff. But the papers from our old neighbor -- he had no kids, his nieces and nephews are displeased with us because we inherited and they didn't... and they're getting old too. I wouldn't throw away pictures or important documents, but things like financial arguments with banks and lists of people he used to work with -- from the 1970s... I mostly let it go.

I didn't do much cleaning this week, but I don't care. I kept up with the dishes and the laundry, the cooking (enough, anyway) and shopping, the litter boxes and paying bills. Vacuuming and dusting and mopping and all that can wait until June.

I re-read my novel to myself, out loud, and I'm pleased with it, but it does need work. I'm not sure I have the pacing right -- maybe certain clues should come earlier or later in the story. I suppose one gradually learns how to write a mystery novel, but you'd think I'd be better at it considering how many I've read.

The project I had the most success with was the yard. Despite the rainy weather, I filled five leaf bags, one for each weekday. On Friday, it was pouring while I worked, so I focused on a horrible juniper that is right next to the (covered) patio. I hacked it almost to bits -- Rocket Boy is not going to be happy. But I hate that particular juniper. I hate all our junipers, but I especially hate that one.

On another day, I started working on the forsythia. This was hard, because I love the forsythia, but it's a mess and it didn't bloom at all this year. From what I've read, it needs to be cut WAY back, and now is the time. So I got to work, cutting and cutting.

Rocket Boy couldn't have done this -- and it was upsetting for me too, especially when I accidentally cut off a branch with green leaves. I still have at least another day's work to do here -- there are so many dead branches. 

This weekend we are working on final papers and studying for finals. Yesterday Teen B played with the band at the graduation ceremony, and that counts as his band final. Tomorrow (Monday), Teen A has his science final and Teen B has his math final and his government final. Tuesday, Teen A has math and language arts (he finished his paper today), and Teen B has German. Wednesday, Teen A has world geography (we're working on his slide show) and Teen B has language arts (we're working on his paper) and science. Thursday, Teen A has Spanish and Teen B has nothing.

This is definitely not "Renew Your Spirit" day -- sorry, FlyLady. After we did the yardwork, I made a schedule with six 45-minute slots and had the kids sign up for them to work with me. The first few sessions were productive, and then it fell apart. Teen B and I are supposed to be studying for his government final right now and instead we've both conveniently "forgotten" about it.

I should pull myself together and get him to work on it. He hates that class. I know he just wants it all to be over. The teacher seems to be somewhat on autopilot and didn't give them any guidance as to how to study for the final.

***

I got the bad news from the Colorado Sleep Institute on Tuesday -- yep, I have sleep apnea. I wanted to ask the guy whether anyone referred to them ever doesn't have sleep apnea, but I resisted. I'm ready to work on this. I'm so tired all the time. Apria Healthcare called on Friday and I gave them my credit card number for a deposit on a CPAP, which I will receive "in three weeks." Why so long? Who knows. I've been reading descriptions online of how long it takes people to get used to the machine -- apparently some people never get used to it. I'm going to try.

Rocket Boy is unhappy about this development -- he doesn't want me to be someone who has to wear a device to bed. Even though HE has to wear a device to bed, the pump that helps his leg (he does take it off before he goes to sleep, so I guess that's different). I think it's because he associates CPAPs with lazy fat people. I sort of do too, to be honest. 

I had a couple of moments this week where I had to face up to who I am right now. At the orthodontist on Thursday they showed me the pictures that were taken before I got my braces, to show me how far I'd come. The photos were horrible! I looked fat and dumpy, with limp, graying hair. And of course, terrible teeth. My teeth are much better now, but I don't suppose any of the rest has changed.

Then, today, working with Teen B on language arts, he used his Chromebook and some sort of graphics program to take a video of me. I was sitting in our blue chair, which is quite low to the ground and has also sunk over the years, so it's even lower to the ground. There I was, my large fat body sinking into the sinking chair, GLARING at Teen B because he was doing this instead of working on language arts...

It occurred to me that my feelings about who I am just do not match my physical self. Not just the fat -- when I see pictures of myself, I look angry, bossy, dictatorial. I look like a single mother of difficult teenage boys who doesn't take good care of herself because she figures, why bother?

And I thought, can I change myself to match how I feel inside? Or should I try to change my internal image of myself to match reality? It's a puzzle.

Well, it's 5:30 pm, so I should go deal with something -- put away laundry, try to get Teen B to study for his government final, clean the cats' litter boxes (Baby Kitty has diarrhea), start making dinner. Or maybe a nap? I have a slightly scratchy throat and feel a little off. Maybe I'm getting sick, maybe I'm fighting something off. Maybe I'm just tired.

I don't want to end on a bad note. It's still the most beautiful month of the year (October is a close second). It makes me so happy to be out of doors in May.