April can be nice

I think this will just be a short post, not much to share this time. I knew it would be a quiet week and it was. Highlights were Teen B's orthodontia appointment on Monday and his haircut on Saturday. Thrilling, I know. The haircut looks good.

Actually, the effects of the orthodontia appointment lasted all week and are still lasting, because we have a difficult decision to make. Do we pull two teeth and then put on braces for two years? or do we do headgear for 14 hours a day and a retainer for the other 10 hours a day for six months, followed by 18 months of braces? I am voting for headgear; Teen B is voting for teeth pulling -- except that he doesn't actually want his teeth pulled, because that will hurt. But he doesn't want headgear, for the weird reason that he doesn't want to wear a retainer the rest of the time. It seems to me that the retainer is the absolute least of our problems. But I'm not Teen B.

I'm thinking -- do we really need to do braces at all? The dentist and the orthodontist think it's obvious that we do. But Teen B will not let me look at his teeth, so I can't form my own opinion.

We've had some nice weather this week, though it's supposed to cool down and precipitate this coming week, a little every day. That's fine -- moisture is good, and a wet April seems appropriate. Some of that moisture will be snow, but not much, half an inch here and there, nothing more. I will try to enjoy it, not get depressed.

I'm struggling with depression again, or maybe it never stopped. This was a hard week. For some reason I stopped walking, after doing really well with that for 12 days. In the past five days I have taken exactly one walk, which is terrible. I need to do better. In fact, before I finish this post I will try to go out and take a walk. It doesn't have to be a long walk.

Why am I depressed? What triggered it this time? I can think of a few things.

First, the red-breasted nuthatches are gone, both of them. One day this past week I looked out and there was a CHICKADEE pecking at the nuthatch's hole. A chickadee! I was horrified! Did the chickadee chase the nuthatch away? Did the nuthatch get eaten by a cat or a hawk? 

I actually really like the chickadees that hang around our yard, but they're such everyday birds. I was looking forward to nuthatch babies, maybe even two sets. I went out and yelled at the chickadee, which is not like me.

The thing is, a few days later I saw the nuthatch again, working on the hole. So it was still alive, or at least one of them was. And then I haven't seen it since, nor have I seen the chickadee. So I don't know what's going on, but I haven't seen any bird near that hole in a few days now, and that makes me sad. The nuthatch worked on it for so long. Incidentally, the chickadee seemed to be making much faster progress on the hole than the nuthatch.

Second, I was offered the chance at a job. This is a really weird one: a recruiter contacted me through LinkedIn and asked if I'd be interested in working for the government agency where I worked for 10 years. That's right across the street from us, basically. This would have been a contract position -- I wouldn't get my benefits back or anything. But that's OK. I don't really need them at this point, as long as Rocket Boy has insurance. 

The problem is, I don't think I'm physically capable of working full-time right now. I don't know if it's my age or my weight or the depression or the diabetes or the high calcium, but it's hard for me even to keep the house running and the twins cared for. Imagine trying to keep the house running and the twins cared for while also working a full-time job! I can't imagine it, and this job would be mentally taxing. So I told the recruiter I was interested, but I could only work part-time. And she said nope, the client insists on full-time. So I had to say no. Rocket Boy was NOT happy with me about this.

I suppose I could have said maybe, and at least gone in and talked to them (ok, realistically it would have been a Zoom interview) about what they wanted me to do. And maybe part-time would have been possible after all. But I didn't do that. And that made me feel bad in so many different ways. It brought up a lot of stuff: feeling inadequate, feeling like no one will ever hire me again, wishing I'd never quit my job all those years ago.

Third, I know there's ongoing sadness related to the shooting. It's hard to quantify, but it seems to be affecting me like a low-grade fever. I just can't function normally.

Well, another week is starting and there's always the opportunity to do -- and feel -- better. One thing I focused on this week was getting little stuff done (because that was all I felt up to): laundry, dishes, trash & recycling & compost, all that. I also managed to pack away Easter, which was good. I took books back to the library and got more; I patronized the Bookworm; I read a lot. I went to multiple grocery stores; I got my metformin prescription refilled; I made an appointment with an endocrinologist. I coped.

So this coming week I will focus again on coping, and try to include daily walks in that plan.

Week of April 12-18:

• Monday: Do school with the kids. Tell the orthodontist what our decision is (if we've made it). Call the electrician again or look for a different one. Spend some time weeding before the rain starts. Take a walk, make something easy for dinner. Get Teen A to plan his meal for this week.
  
• Tuesday: Get the kids to school. Spend some time writing. Finish my letter to my friend in LA, take it to FedEx Office to print out, mail it with her birthday card. Lift weights, take a walk. Conference with Teen B's music teacher at 4:30; Zoom-meet with my parent group at 5:30. Make an easy dinner after that.
  
• Wednesday: Get the kids to school. Grocery shop. Do some cleaning, or take the sewing machine out of its box. Take a walk. Cook dinner with Teen A.
  
• Thursday: Get the kids to school. Dermatologist appointment at 9:30. Spend some time writing, do the kids' laundry. Lift weights, go for a walk. Fix dinner, put out the trash and compost.
  
• Friday: Kids have the day off. Pay bills, do my laundry. Haircut at 11:30 am. Maybe some cleaning or sewing. Take a walk. Fix dinner.
  
• Saturday & Sunday: Go for walks (get the kids outside at least one day). Blog, maybe go to a movie. Get takeout on Saturday, make something easy on Sunday.

There are a few more things on the schedule for this week than last, so I'm hoping that will perk me up, not stress me out. On the other hand, it will be cloudy almost every day, which tends to bring me down. The thing about depression is that you've just got to wait it out, while doing what little things you can to help it lift. It's important not to think about it too much, not wallow in it. Wallow when you're feeling better, if you want, not when you're low.

This afternoon I took the kids to Target, and I was thinking to myself on the way there that I needed to be nicer to other people, help make the world a better place and all that. Then, in the parking lot, a guy in black leather and helmet, riding a motor scooter, almost ran me over as I walked in a crosswalk. "Whoo!" I said, resisting the urge to give him the finger. My "whoo!" made me think of the video for the Phoebe Bridgers song, "Kyoto," which I like. So I'll leave you with that. Such a goofy song and video -- it always cheers me up.

P.S. I did just now go for a walk, only 15 minutes but that's fine. I was just going to walk to the creek and back, but I saw a couple looking at something in the park, so I followed them and got to see the flowers around this bench, which made me happy. They're mostly just getting started, as is everything in Colorado, but they're pretty. 

The bench was put here in memory of the victims of a tsunami, I think the one in Japan in 2011.

Soon the hummingbirds will be back, by May, anyway.