Ending 2020

I'm going to do my usual New Year's posts over the next week or so -- one about all the books I read in 2020, one with my New Year's resolutions. But I thought I'd write one more post today, before 2020 ends.

Like most people, we have planned nothing for New Year's Eve (unlike some people, we never do). We may watch a movie, play a game, eat chips & dip and fudge, drink sparkling cider. The kids will try to stay up until midnight -- last year Kid A succeeded, Kid B failed. Maybe I'll work on my new calendars, filling in birthdays and all that. Maybe I'll start drafting my resolutions. Like most people, I have an intense desire to welcome in 2021, say BYE, FELICIA to 2020.

I had a little epiphany this holiday season, while studying the array of Christmas cards on our piano. I admit that during the past year I've had more than a few moments where I wondered what my purpose was, what most people's purpose was. Somehow this question seemed particularly nagging during the pandemic year, with everyone shut up inside, although my lack of a job probably also contributed. (My purpose was taking care of the twins -- but what was the twins' purpose?) It was as though I could understand what everyone's purpose was as long as we could run around living our normal lives. But all shut up in houses and apartments -- who would care if a bunch of us just vanished? why would it matter at all?

The answer to this came to me along with the Christmas cards. We heard from a lot of people this year, more than we usually do. We usually send out about 50 cards and expect to get back maybe half that many. But this year, so far, we've heard from almost 75% of the people we sent to. They weren't all physical cards: there were e-cards, emails, phone calls, and texts (all those count as "cards" in my book). Each "card" I received was a pleasure. It also gave me a sense of relief -- oh, good, so-and-so is still with us. Many of the cards mentioned the senders' family members, some of whom I've never met, and I was very glad to read that Steve's father survived covid and Jeanne's daughter and family are safe in Seattle.

And I also worried about the people who didn't make an appearance. There are a few people I always hear from, who I didn't hear from this year. Was it covid? Are they struggling in some way? My older sister and I are jointly worried about a cousin neither of us heard from this year. I haven't seen this cousin in about 30 years, but she always sends a Christmas newsletter, so now I'm worried.

I realized -- yes, we're finally getting to that epiphany -- that we're all connected with these little links and that these links are important. I may feel like I have few close friends anymore, that I'm too fat for anybody to like me, that I'm more of a problem than a joy to my family -- but this is mostly a lot of nonsense. I'm a link in a lot of other people's chains, and if I vanished, I would upset a lot of people's lives. As would everyone else, if they vanished. That's the lesson of 2020: how important we are to each other, in these funny little ways, even if we're boring or fat or annoying. Even the hermits among us desperately need connection with other human beings, even if that connection is very, very slight, just a tiny link in the chain.

2020 was undoubtedly a terrible, horrible year (with bright spots, like a certain Presidential election). But for me it was also the year I dove deep into Black literature and learned so much about the Black experience in America. I believe that the knowledge I gained this year has changed my life. Seriously! So it has felt really good to continue my week of giving to the Black community. Here is what I did for Kwanzaa days 3-7:

Day 3 (Dec. 28) was Ujima, or "Collective Work and Responsibility," i.e., "build and take care of our communities." For this I donated $50 to Mission St. Louis, an organization that helps people find jobs, helps them fix up their houses, helps kids go to school, etc. And it has a very high rating on Charity Navigator. Day 4 was Ujamaa, or "Cooperative Economics." For this day I decided to patronize black-owned businesses, but since there aren't many in Boulder, I ordered from two Etsy stores. I bought three bookmarks from KLigg and a pair of earrings from ElleBrands. Both are already in the mail and I am eagerly awaiting them.

Day 5 (Dec. 30) was Nia, or "Purpose." I wanted to do something to help kids who are struggling during the school shutdowns, but I had trouble finding the right group. Finally I just gave $25 to the Obama Foundation. I wanted to direct the money to their My Brother's Keeper Alliance, which helps young men of color, but I'm not sure that's where it went. For Day 6, Kuumba, or "Creativity," I bought books by Black authors at the (independent) Boulder Bookstore. First, I bought a boxed set of N. K. Jemisin's Broken Earth trilogy, which has been recommended to me multiple times, most recently in a Christmas card! I also bought Kindred by Octavia E. Butler, and A Handful of Earth, A Handful of Sky: The World of Octavia E. Butler by Lynell George. I'm not much of a fantasy/science fiction fan, but all these books sounded interesting to me. 

Finally, tomorrow is Day 7, Imani, or "Faith," i.e., "strive to believe with all our hearts in the worth of African Americans." I looked at a lot of different organizations, trying to choose one, and finally ended up giving $25 to the Southern Poverty Law Center, an organization I admire, even though I'm not sure if it really fits the theme. I gave the money already, even though Imani is tomorrow, because they said that donations made through December 31st would be matched.

When Rocket Boy and I were out and about yesterday, at one point I saw myself in a mirror and noticed how worn my coat is. (It also is too small for me, which is another story.) I thought, I could have used all these various donations to buy a new coat. (Maybe. It's hard to find anything that fits these days.) But a new coat wouldn't have been nearly as much fun. All these donations and purchases totaled a little over $250 (the books were expensive). It's really hardly anything (to us, these days). I'd like to give more in 2021, and throughout the year -- it's something I should work into our budget better. And it was very, very satisfying. An excellent way to end 2020, in my opinion.

Happy New Year!     Happy 2021!

Christmas, Kwanzaa, and all that jazz

So it's December 27th, and I'm a pretty happy camper. We made it through Christmas, we had a good time, and now it's the week after and we're still having a good time. Christmas on a Friday has got to be the best -- I never thought that before, but it's true, because then you get the weekend. There were many days in my working life when I had to go back to work on December 26th. Now I'm not working, but how nice it is that many people don't have to go back to work for two extra days. For example, Rocket Boy. Of course, if you work on the weekends, as many many people do, none of that is relevant. But still.

Next year, Christmas will be on Saturday -- which is OK, too, but I think Friday is the best. Anyway, the calendar goes round and round, and every year something's on the perfect day and something else is on the worst day. It all works out.

It was a very good thing that Rocket Boy made it home, because I was starting to unravel and failing to cope. I had to do almost as much work after he arrived as I would have by myself, but having him here was a safety net. I knew that if I collapsed, he would do the work. That made it easier for me to do the work. So perhaps when I feel that collapse is imminent, it's mostly just fear of what could happen if I do collapse. I should think about that more.

I ended up making only five batches of cookies -- panocha squares, those weird chocolate gingerbread cookies, those odd peppermint meltaways, sugar cookies, and fudge. No date crunch this year, no candy cane cookies, no spritz, no Norwegian holiday cookies. A strange year, in so many ways. The kids helped a lot with the sugar cookies, which made them almost worthwhile. Jeez, sugar cookies are a lot of work! And they disappear so quickly! It's OK. My fudge didn't set properly, and the butter didn't incorporate fully. I'm going to try making it with less than a cup of butter. Maybe in Colorado you need to make it with one and a half sticks.

We ended up not having anything as a main course for dinner: we had Barbara's potato dish, broccoli, rolls, and a small fruit salad. Especially the second day (we ate it for Christmas Eve and Christmas), it seemed very skimpy. I should have cooked a squash too. Or something. Have to think about that for next year. 

The twins got up at 7:15 Christmas morning, which seemed very reasonable. I had given them warm Christmas pjs the night before (probably the last time I'll do that), and Kid A said they were too warm to sleep in. I said fine, but you have to put them on again in the morning -- and he did. It's so weird to me when they do things I ask them to do. I had put out all the presents the evening before, so the only thing I had to do after they went to bed was fill the stockings. Again, very reasonable, low stress. No assembling Thomas train sets at midnight. But I still miss those days!

I told Rocket Boy I didn't need anything for Christmas except him, which was true, but I guess there's a difference between need and want. I didn't get him much -- a shirt, a DVD, and some chocolate -- but it was something. His gift to me was a GPS holder that goes on my car's dashboard, because my GPS keeps falling off my windshield. It's not something I worry about, but HE does. So really this was a gift for HIM. I was reading the comics -- the Baby Blues dad thinking of getting his wife a flannel nightgown, Garfield's Jon getting his girlfriend a cheese log -- and laughed to realize that my present this year fit right in. And I made the whole family watch the Saturday Night Live Christmas morning sketch, just so they know to do better next year. But this year it wasn't a big deal (and I know that if I want presents I have to make that clear, and give them specific suggestions).

One present that was a big hit was the game I got Kid B -- Bye, Felicia. I really just chose it because the name was funny (he used to have a group of friends who called themselves the Felicia club), but it's actually a very funny game. Someone rolls the dice, reads off a category, and then everyone has 30 seconds to write down things in that category. Then you go around the circle and read an item from your list. If no one else wrote it down too, it's "Bye, Felicia" to you. We've played it twice so far, and it's just really really funny. Last night I laughed so much I went into a terrible coughing fit that ended the game. So, OK, that's not good, but it is a funny game. I recommend it.

Today Rocket Boy has taken the twins to the Denver Museum and I have a few hours to myself, which seems luxurious. One cat is asleep in the living room and the other is asleep in the twins' room. The wind is blowing outside, but I'm snug inside. We did not have a white Christmas -- all our snow melted away a few days before, and I'm already so sick of snow that I was thrilled. (More snow is due tomorrow. It's fine, it's fine.)

Yesterday was the first day of Kwanzaa, and I really thought hard about how I could celebrate it, because of course I like to celebrate everything. It's a holiday that's specifically for the Black community; it's not about white people. And then it occurred to me: I can give money. I was always planning to support Black Lives Matter this summer but never did. What better time to do it than Kwanzaa? 

So I decided to give some sort of donation to some part of the Black community each day of Kwanzaa, according to the theme of each day. Yesterday was Umoja, or "Unity" day, which is about helping Black families and communities stay together. After a good deal of thought, I gave $25 to the United Way of Greater St. Louis, because of Rocket Boy's connection with the area. Today is Kujichagulia, or "Self-Determination" day, and I gave $25 to Movement for Black Lives. I haven't decided what I will do for each of the other days, but at least one day I plan to patronize a Black-owned business. Another idea I had was to buy some books by Black authors -- paying full price for new copies -- not from Amazon. We'll see. I'll take it day by day. But I feel really good about this. It feels like exactly the right way to celebrate Kwanzaa, and the right way to end the horrible Year 2020.

Christmas books

Despite my cheerful post a few days ago, Christmas is now falling apart all around me -- every task on each day's to-do list seems insurmountable. I can't clean, I can't bake, I can't shop, I can't wrap gifts, I can't even get myself to go for a walk. Rocket Boy is on his way home, driving across Kansas as I type this, and I am counting on him to save Christmas -- which he will, I have no doubt. It's so nice to have a partner in this struggle of getting through life.

To get myself to do some things on today's list, I thought I'd create a blog post to work on throughout the day, as a reward for, e.g., cleaning the bathroom. I'd rather read and write than almost anything else in the world, so let's see how this works. 

The kids and I finished reading our most recent chapter book -- The Adventures of Tom Sawyer by Mark Twain -- on Sunday night, and I felt that we needed a break before we started our next book. Tom Sawyer was Rocket Boy's selection, right before he went back to St. Louis, and I've gotta say, maybe books published in 1876 aren't the best choice for 12-year-old boys in 2020 (though a few months ago we enjoyed Treasure Island, published in 1883). I had to keep stopping and explaining archaic phrases. It was a slog. I also did a certain amount of on-the-fly editing, because I'd forgotten that Huck Finn introduces Tom and Joe Harper to the joys of nicotine addiction, which I felt we didn't need.

Anyway, once we finally got through that, I decided we would take a break from long books, and just read from our collection of children's Christmas books this week. I had pulled out the whole collection and piled it on the coffee table, so the kids could pick their favorites. Kid A chose 3 books for Monday night, Kid B chose 3 for Tuesday, I've already made my selection for tonight, and we'll let Rocket Boy choose on Christmas Eve. On Christmas night maybe we'll all choose one. As you can see, there are many to choose from (the picture shows what's left after the first nine books were chosen). And of course I have lots of adult Christmas books too, mostly anthologies, but I decided not to include them!

Here are the books we chose. I'll post this now, and then add to it as we read more.

Kid A's choices (Dec. 21st):

The Christmas Tree That Grew by Phyllis Krasilovsky, illustrated by Kathy Wilburn (Little Golden Book, 1987).

This is the dumbest book, but the kids have always loved it. I kind of knew it was going to be one of their first choices. The Adam family live on the first floor of a three-story building. They're moving to "a new house in the country after Christmas," so the dad brings home a living tree which they will plant at the new house when they move. However, the tree starts growing at an alarming rate, and so the dad cuts a hole in the ceiling to let it grow through to the next floor, and ultimately the third floor as well. The people living on all three floors become best friends, celebrate Christmas together, and then somehow manage to extract the three-story tree and plant it at the new house. 

Kudos to the author for including a Latino family, Mr. and Mrs Martinez and their baby on the third floor, but boos and hisses for making Mr. Martinez an unemployed carpenter in need of the white, upper middle class Adam family's help.

A Pussycat's Christmas by Margaret Wise Brown, illustrated by Anne Mortimer (1949 text, 1994 illustrations).

This is a new edition of an old book, an odd but sweet story (like most of Margaret Wise Brown's books). She's kind of fey, I think that's the right word. The book is formatted like a poem; some of the lines rhyme, most don't.

It was Christmas. How could you tell?
     Was the snow falling?
          No.
The little cat Pussycat knew that Christmas was coming.

The beautiful illustrations by Anne Mortimer are similar to those in her own book, Tosca's Christmas. I think Kid A chose this because it's about a cat.

Red and Lulu by Matt Tavares (2017).

This is a new book for us -- I picked it up at Barnes & Noble when I was Christmas shopping last week. It was going to be one of my reading choices, but apparently it appealed to Kid A. The illustrations by the author are beautiful. It's the story of a cardinal pair who live in a tall Norway spruce in someone's yard. The tree is chosen to be the Rockefeller Center's Christmas tree, and one of the birds gets stuck in the tree while the other tries to follow along (and of course just this year a little owl was found stuck in the tree). The pair are eventually reunited, decide to settle in the New York area, and visit the new tree each year. A real charmer.

Kid B's choices (Dec. 22nd):

Cobweb Christmas: The Tradition of Tinsel by Shirley Climo, illustrated by Jane Manning (1982 text, 2001 illustrations).

This is a favorite of my boys, because it is about spiders. Tante lives in a little house with her dog and cat and bird (and a lot of spiders), and we watch as she prepares for Christmas, and then invites the children of the village and the animals to share Christmas with her. Left out are the spiders, who were removed during the cleaning process. Saint Nicholas lets them into Tante's house on Christmas Eve, and after they leave cobwebs all over the tree, he changes the webs to silver and gold. 

A note at the end says that in some parts of Germany, a spider ornament is the first one put on the tree. I have looked for spider ornaments in stores, but I see now that I could buy one from Etsy -- there are many beautiful choices. Reading this reminded me to put my big spider pin on our tree.

Santa Claus: The Magical World of Father Christmas by Carlton Books (2006, 2009, 2014). 

So here's a book I really don't like, but Kid B received it as a gift some years ago and is very fond of it. What I don't like about it is the way it blends truth and fiction. Each page discusses a different aspect of Santa Claus: his sleigh, the elves, etc. On the reindeer page, for example, we get factual information about antlers -- and a lot of made-up stuff about Santa's reindeer. I remember when Kid B brought it home from school -- was he in second grade? Third? He was right on the verge of not believing in Santa -- Kid A had already made the leap -- but this book made him believe a little longer. I read it aloud with discomfort, knowing that by next year at the latest I'd have to admit that almost everything I read wasn't true.

The Jolly Christmas Postman by Janet and Allen Ahlberg (1991).

This would have been my choice if Kid B hadn't snagged it first. We all love it, so I wasn't surprised he chose it. I think my sister Jenny gave me this -- or did I buy it after admiring her copy? A sequel to The Jolly Postman (also wonderful), in this book the postman rides his bike around fairyland delivering Christmas cards and gifts to the three Bears, the big bad Wolf, etc. 

Once upon a Christmas Eve
   Just after it had snowed,
The Jolly Postman (him again!)
   Came down the jolly road;
And in the bag upon his back
   An...interesting load.

The best part from the kids' point of view is that each letter or gift is actually included in the book. We've somehow managed not to lose any of the pieces over the years, and Kid B carefully took each one out, looked at it, and put it back in.

Mom's choices (Dec. 23rd):

The Church Mice at Christmas by Graham Oakley (1980).

I'm almost certain this was a gift from my sister Jenny, who adored Christmas children's books (I used to give her a new one every year). This is part of a series about the church mice and their cat friend, Sampson, who in a previous book promised never to harm mice. In this book, the mice have various schemes for raising money to have a Christmas party (one involves selling Sampson), but finally receive what they need in a most unexpected way. The book is soooo funny, in a discreet British way, and a lot of the humor is hidden in the pictures. I love this book and look forward to reading it every year.

Thomas' Christmas Delivery illustrated by Tommy Stubbs (2004).

This choice elicited groans from the twins, but it wouldn't be Christmas for me without Thomas. For so many years when the twins were little, a new Thomas train set was the most important present under the tree -- later displaced by Legos, and this year, hmm, nothing in particular. Anyway, this book is seriously dumb. Thomas wants to be home in his shed to hang up his stocking, but first he has to make three important Christmas deliveries. At one point an older woman drops a jar of cranberry sauce all over herself and we always discuss how she managed to do that. Thomas then struggles mightily to make one last extra delivery. Finally he comes home to his shed, awakening on Christmas morning to find his stocking full of coal, which is of course what he wants.

The Day Before Christmas by Eve Bunting, illustrated by Beth Peck (1992).

This book always makes me cry. It's about a little girl who rides the train to the city with her grandfather on the day before Christmas to see The Nutcracker. "The city" is in California -- maybe Los Angeles? At one point they can see the ocean from the train, and someone surfing. When I was little we used to ride the train to San Francisco at Christmas each year to see the store windows. 

What makes the book sad is that her mother died when the little girl was three and she barely remembers her. Over the course of their special day together, the grandfather tells the little girl things about her mom that she hadn't known before, and they talk about how they are making new memories together now.

Rocket Boy's choices (Dec. 24th):

The Nutcracker Ballet by Vladimir Vagin (1995).

I thought Kid B would choose this, because he's always liked anything to do with the Nutcracker story. He was overwhelmed with joy when I finally took him to a performance of the ballet a few years ago. 

But no, he left it for Rocket Boy. This is a very nice retelling of the story, with attractive pictures by the author. It's funny -- I used to think the book was too long, hard to keep the twins' attention while I read it. It's not too long anymore! On Christmas Day, we watched the movie of The Nutcracker, which Rocket Boy always enjoys.

Tosca's Christmas by Matthew Sturgis, illustrated by Anne Mortimer (1989).

I've always liked this book, mostly because of the gorgeous illustrations. It's about a little kitty who doesn't understand what's happening when Christmas preparations disturb her nap. "She was not used to being bossed around." Sounds like a cat!

Her family puts her outside in the snow, where she encounters Santa Claus. He brings her back inside, and when she wakes up in the morning she has her own stocking with a toy mouse inside. Kid A expressed concern that her family never bothered to let her in again -- what if Santa hadn't found her? she might have frozen! That's not something that had ever occurred to me.

The Tomten by Astrid Lindgren, adapted from a poem by Viktor Rydberg, illustrated by Harald Wiberg (1961, 1997).

Rocket Boy chose this because, he said, he wasn't familiar with it and it looked interesting. The Tomten isn't actually a Christmas book, but it looks as though it is, because it takes place on a deep dark winter's night, when "the frost is cruel." Plus the Tomten wears a red stocking cap. I remember this book from my childhood. It's very mystical. Kid A's word was "repetitive," i.e., boring. I noticed that everyone got very quiet and drowsy as I was reading -- and yet they didn't fall asleep. It's really not boring, it's dreamy.

A few more choices (Dec. 25th):

Everyone is very tired tonight, after a long day of eating chocolate, candy canes, and cookies, so I chose the books by myself. It was a little hard, because there are still lots left in the pile, but I narrowed it down to two.

The Solstice Badger by Robin McFadden (2012).

This is a new book for us this year, a present from my cousin Marina. It's a creation story about why we have seasons (in the winter, the sun spends more time with his friend Badger in the center of the earth). There's also a bit at the end that hints at the origins of the first Christmas tree and Santa Claus.

This is a very sweet story, but it didn't work for my boys, because the science is messed up. For example, in the story, the sun and the moon hang out in an underground river when they're not in the sky. "What about the people on the other side of the world?" said Kid A. "How do they get to see the sun if he's in an underground river?" The kids were also disturbed by a badger being down there too -- how could it survive? Also, in the story, the moon is not lonely because she hangs out with the stars, but the sun is lonely. "But the sun is a star!" my boys complained. And so on.

I think this would work better for younger kids, or less science-oriented kids. I liked it as a myth, but everyone else was confused.

Bear Stays up for Christmas by Karma Wilson, illustrated by Jane Chapman (2004).

This is a little kids' book, part of a series that was popular with our boys when they were under five. One of the main characters is a badger, so there were a lot of comments about "Oh, here's that badger again." The story is told in verse, like all the books in the series, and it's very good-natured. It is no more realistic than the previous badger book, but everyone seemed to find that funny.

Back at the cave
Gopher brews mint tea
and Mole pops corn
to string upon the tree.

Raven and Wren
bake a fresh fruitcake.
The friends do their best
to keep Bear awake.

(How could a raven and a wren bake a fruitcake? etc., etc.) Eventually Santa comes, the "friends" give Bear a quilt (where did they get it? how could they make it?), and he snuggles down and goes back to sleep for the winter. Which I think I would like to do, too.

And one more (Dec. 26th):

It's Kid A's turn to choose our next chapter book, but he said I should read one more Christmas book and we could start the chapter book tomorrow.

Emma's Christmas by Irene Trivas (1988).

I associate this book with my sister Jenny, too -- I think she gave it to me. It's a delightful retelling of the 12 Days of Christmas that makes it very clear what a bother it would have been to receive all those birds, cows, and humans. The local prince wants to marry a farmer's daughter (Emma), but she doesn't want to go live in his castle (she likes to go barefoot and climb trees). He keeps sending those birds, though, and by the end of the book, most of the castle's population has been transferred to her cottage. So she suggests that he move in with her and he agrees.

And I think that's it for this year. We missed a lot of good books, but they'll be waiting for us next year.

Coping, revisited

So, last week I wrote about how I was having trouble coping with Christmas, and at the end of the post I wrote some plans for the week. And I'm glad to report that the plans helped. I followed my list and got some things done without getting too stressed out about everything. 

I'm still low, but I'm less low. That would mean that I am higher. Or whatever. More kind of medium. Not really medium, but closer to medium. Anyway. I'm quite functional, which is good, though I don't have the energy to do all the things I want to do.

I'm a little befuddled about the week ahead -- how on earth am I going to get everything done? And since I'm sure I won't get everything done, which things should I let go?

1. First on my list (last week) was to finish the damn tree. I am glad to report that I did finally finish it, more or less -- a couple of hours ago. Good grief, that took a long time. The lights were the worst, but after that I worked on the decorations for 15 minutes here and there throughout the week. I never really got motivated to get it done all at once. The tree looks very crowded with ornaments, and yet there are still gaps. I don't care. It's fine and it's done. The only "decorating" I have left to do is to put the red cloth on the coffee table. 

And clean. I need to clean every day before Christmas. Sigh.

Unfortunately, while working on the tree, I discovered that I've lost the twins' Christmas stockings! They weren't in any of the boxes! And I'm the one who handled the dismantling process, so it's all my fault. I've looked in a few places where I thought the stockings might be, and they weren't there. My current guess is that they're in a box or a bag in the garage, possibly even on the train table that's in the middle of the garage. Maybe tomorrow I'll look into that. Or maybe Christmas Eve. Maybe we'll use long socks instead!

2. Second on the list was baking a batch or two of cookies. I think at that point I had already made panocha squares -- but anyway, that's a disaster because the kids have already eaten them all (should have hid them better). On Tuesday I made a new recipe, Gingerbread Cookie Bars, which are actually quite good except that they have holiday M&Ms in them, and although those add a pretty, holiday look, they really clash with the flavor profile (i.e., gingerbread) of the cookies. The kids thought they were gross, so they have become MY cookies. I have one with my lunch each day, and they're lasting very well.

Today I finally buckled down and made another new recipe, Peppermint Meltaways, and they were OK (the twins loved them). 

This week I am planning to make sugar cookies, probably Tuesday? and fudge, probably Thursday. I also have a box of Trader Joe's pfeffernusse cookie MIX that I might throw together one day. We'll see. And I suppose I should make ANOTHER batch of panocha squares. Maybe. We'll see. Maybe after Christmas!

I also have to think about regular food, not just sweets, and that's going to be more complicated this year because the twins have decided they don't want me to get a Honeybaked ham. That will please Rocket Boy too, but what will I serve instead? All these decades as a mostly vegetarian, and I have no idea what to serve for Christmas dinner instead of meat. Chicken? I hate chicken.

3. Third on the list was to make some shopping trips. On Wednesday I went to the pet store, getting presents for no one but the cats. But it was a start. On Friday I hit Barnes & Noble and Target, coming home with several gifts (calendars, books, games, clothes, stocking stuffers). That meant that Friday night I had to wrap presents and ended up going to bed at 2 am. But it was worth it, I think. Now, this week I have to think about what else I want to buy. I've scheduled shopping trips for Monday and Wednesday -- but where? and what? The twins told me tonight they really don't want Lego sets this year. Wow, my mind is blown. But then what? I'm going to go back to Grandrabbits and buy them something toy-like -- a chemistry set or something to play with outdoors. It's not Christmas without fun things to unwrap.

I'm remembering several years when the boys wanted gigantic, expensive Lego sets, and we actually had trouble paying for them. You can easily spend $400 on two big Lego sets, and for several years we didn't have a spare $400 at Christmas. Now we do, and they don't want anything expensive. Well, OK, they want new laptops (tough) and phones (not yet), but they know they aren't getting those. Weird how these things go.

The one thing both boys asked for this year, I'm having trouble producing. Kid A wants a 3D puzzle, and I should have ordered it online but I didn't. Grandrabbits didn't have anything. I found a small 3D puzzle at Barnes & Noble, so that will have to do for now. Kid B wants another Liberty puzzle, and those are almost impossible to get this year. I am on the waiting list, and I can't remember when my name was supposed to come up, but I know it's this week. When it does, I'll try to buy a puzzle, but I don't know when we'll get it -- Liberty Puzzles is based in Boulder, but I don't know if they'll let me go pick up the puzzle at their warehouse or store, or whether they'll mail it. Crazy.

4. Fourth on the list was daily exercise, and I have to admit that I missed two days, Thursday and Friday, but I did some sort of exercise all the other days. I took a walk with one or more twins on Monday, Saturday, and today. The kids and I did a HIIT workout on Tuesday and a yoga session on Wednesday (this was for PE). We would have gone out Thursday (they were supposed to do a run), but there was so much snow and it was so cold. Friday there's no excuse -- we were just lazy.

This week the weather will be better, and I think I'll have no trouble fitting in a walk each day -- if I just remember to put it on the list and DO it. I'll try.

5. Fifth on the list was to give money to something or someone, and the only thing I did in that category was to pay the penalty and interest on our Colorado state taxes -- even after the guy I talked to offered to waive it. I still have plans to give $25 toward the Georgia election, even though it doesn't look good, and I have a few other ideas as well. Maybe this week.

6. Sixth on the list was to try not to make myself more miserable. Maybe I did a little better on this? I kept congratulating myself for doing things on my list, so I think I was more positive.

7. Seventh on the list was to go to bed at 11:30, not 12, and of course there was the night I stayed up until 2 am, plus other nights weren't so great either. But at least 4 of the nights I had the light off by 11:30. 

Tonight -- hmm. It's already 10:45 and I still have to take a shower. But maybe that's all I have to do. I can clean the kitchen in the morning.

8. And finally, eighth on the list was not to make too many plans, and this was hard. Every day I made an enormous to-do list -- and that includes today. This coming week, on top of all the usual stuff and the Christmas stuff, I also have to clean the house for Rocket Boy, who we THINK may arrive on Thursday. He plans to drive, so that's always iffy. He'll leave Tuesday or Wednesday. The weather doesn't look too bad, though there's a little storm he'll have to drive through at some point, but it doesn't look terrible. I hope he does make it. I'm kind of counting on it. We'll see.

On a low note, last week's coronavirus death total was 298,649 and I was expecting it to pass 300,000 on Monday, which of course it did. But today's total is a jaw-dropping 317,120! That's an average of 2638 deaths per day (the week before it was 2396 deaths per day). That's so many deaths, and it's so sad that they come right when people are starting to get the vaccine. It just seems so terrible to die when hope is in sight, like people dying in concentration camps in WWII after peace had been declared.

On a more cheerful note, the kitties are getting along much better. Priscilla still hisses at Merlin a lot, but they sit next to each other on the couch, especially when looking out the window (watching Cat TV). They explore things together, such as the Christmas tree, or (tonight) the china cabinet (!!!). They also play a game, "Chase," which both seem to enjoy thoroughly -- and we have to stay out of their way when it's going on. They race madly through the house, back and forth. Good exercise! 

Last night, for the first time, I let Merlin sleep outside the office. I shut him in there to eat his dinner, but later went in and opened the door, surprising him. He was already curled up on the desk chair he sleeps in, and at first did not want to get up. When, eventually, he did, he proceeded to annoy Priscilla, who was preparing for her own quiet night. After a bit of hissing, they played another round of Chase, and then curled up to sleep on the sofa. Merlin came in to see me when I woke up (too early, 6 am), and after I read for a while and got sleepy again, we dozed together from about 7 to about 9.

When I got up, I decided I was finally going to watch the service, in real time, at the church that I've been lurking around (watching recorded services) for several weeks now. I felt braver than usual, so I decided it wasn't necessary to try to hide my name on the Zoom call. I didn't use my camera, because I didn't have a lovely Christmas sweater to show, etc., but my name was there in big bold letters. There were over 100 people on the call, many of them of course representing families, so that's a lot of people for what I thought was a rather small church. I looked at the other names, and sure enough, there was someone I knew. I decided that was going to have to be OK. 

The service was nice, appropriate for Advent. The pastor talked about "ambiguous loss," which I guess is sort of a buzzword this year. In the past it has been used to refer to things like miscarriages -- when you mourn the potential of the fetus to become a person. In addition to all the standard losses, the more than 300,000 deaths, etc., this year has been full of ambiguous losses, things we wanted to do, planned to do, but weren't able to. Weddings postponed or intensely downsized, graduation ceremonies moved online -- everything moved online, where it's so much less than the real thing. We got a card from some friends who became grandparents for the first AND second time this year -- and they still haven't met either baby. That's ambiguous loss. It's so hard, and yet also so hard to pinpoint what the loss is. Loss of something you never had, but should have had.

I went to my grief support group on Saturday, after missing it for several weeks, and that made me feel good -- perhaps gave me the courage to go to church the next day. There was a new person there -- and I can't give any details about anyone or what they said, but his story made me cry. And since he was talking in part about a death that hadn't yet occurred, perhaps that's ambiguous loss too. I sat there on Zoom, camera on, with tears rolling steadily down my cheeks. Sometimes it feels good to cry, to feel the sadness of the world and just give into it with all your heart.

Trying to cope with Christmas

"Enjoy what you can and let go of the rest." That was going to be my mantra for this weird, socially-distanced holiday season. But somehow it isn't working. I've been feeling really sad and depressed and I'm not accomplishing anything. I want to curl up in a ball and sleep until January (instead, I wake up too early and lie there and stress about things). But I can't go into hibernation. I'm a mom, and for now I'm a single parent. Also a cat owner. It's Sunday once again -- time to regroup and come up with a new plan.

Rocket Boy went back to St. Louis a week ago and I am missing him. It's possible he'll be back for Christmas, more likely than I thought last week, anyway. But probably not much before, maybe a few days after instead (he'll probably drive, if he comes). So no chance of any more help from him on Christmas prep. He was very helpful before he left, bringing up all the boxes from the basement and setting up the tree.

But we didn't reckon with little Merlin. Both of our new cats were interested in the tree, and branches started breaking off pretty quickly. It was Tuesday or Wednesday that I found Merlin CLIMBING the tree. Oh, yeah, this is going to work, not. So I dismantled the tree and reassembled it with only the top half (it's an old fake tree that you can do that to). I was pretty pleased with myself, actually, since it would make the job of trimming it easier. But the next morning when Kid B saw it, he was devastated. "It's going to be a crappy Christmas," he said, despondently. And how could I disagree? 

Since then, I've been feeling kind of lousy (mentally, not physically, but of course it's hard to separate the two). I haven't made any progress with the tree or much of anything else. I did go shopping one late afternoon and bought each kid a small stuffed animal at Grandrabbits. I don't think 12-year-old boys are going to be too thrilled with small stuffed animals, but it's something to open on Christmas morning. I look at the calendar -- December 13th. Twelve days until Christmas. Well, I can always shop on Christmas Eve. The problem is, where do I put the gifts once I buy them? The kids are always home, always in the house. I can't send them to the library or to a friend's house. Those little stuffed animals I bought are in a cloth shopping bag on the floor of the front seat of my car, passenger side, because the boys never sit there (they sit together in the back seat, where it's easier to hit each other). But if I buy more things, the pile will start to be noticeable.

We've had a very quiet last few days because a couple of storms moved through, leaving it cold and snowy. Not a huge dump -- maybe 5 inches total? Hard to say, because Friday morning's snow got packed down before Saturday night's snow started. Yesterday it was so cold and gloomy we just stayed indoors all day. I wore pajama pants instead of regular pants, and the twins found this disturbing. "Why are you wearing pajamas?" "They're not really pajamas, they're lounge pants." "They look like pajamas to me." "Well, OK, they ARE pajamas, but I never wear pajamas to bed, so for me they're lounge pants." "I think they're pajamas." "Fine, you win, they're pajamas." "Why are you wearing pajamas?" etc., etc.

Today I'm wearing pants.

Actually, I started the day in lounge pants -- real lounge pants, not pajamas -- but then I had to go out and shovel again, so I put on real pants. I hope everyone's happy.

I shouldn't be so depressed. I should count my blessings. We're healthy. The twins and I are together and Rocket Boy is sometimes with us. RB is making a decent income. Unlike some years, if I think of something to buy for the twins, I can buy it (within reason). Compare this to all the people who have died of the coronavirus in this country. Last week the total was 281,878 -- today it's 298,649. That's an average of 2396 deaths per day in the last week, and we'll probably hit 300,000 tomorrow, long before the end of Hanukkah, which was my guess last week. And no, this does not cheer me up -- how could it?

Speaking of Hanukkah, we are celebrating it along with Advent, as usual. And as usual I feel guilty about this, because it feels like cultural appropriation. In order, I suppose, to torment myself, I started reading articles on the internet about whether it is or not, and came to the conclusion that I probably am in the wrong. It's OK for non-Jews to eat latkes and jelly doughnuts and play with a dreidel, but not to have a menorah. Which of course we do. I love our hanukkiah. I look forward to lighting the candles every year, just like I look forward to lighting Advent candles. I do it in honor of the struggles and triumphs of the Jewish people, and because I miss going to Hanukkah parties. And also, I like candles. And ritual. And tradition. Even if they're not MY rituals and traditions.

I think I'm overthinking this. In the grander scheme of things, no one cares if I light Hanukkah candles. Kwanzaa, on the other hand, might be a problem? But I don't have a Kwanzaa kinara (they're harder to come by, and believe me, I've looked into this). I have not yet contemplated celebrating Diwali, the Hindu festival of lights, but hey, there's always next year.

Here's a cheerful bit of news: the cats are starting to work things out. Currently, Merlin sleeps and eats in the office, while Priscilla gets full run of the house 24/7. But from about 9 am until about 9 pm each day, Merlin gets to run around the house too. At first Priscilla was highly displeased, but she's starting to adjust. In this picture, Priscilla is probably hissing. But she hasn't attacked her new little brother, and he shows no interest in attacking her. He is a very frisky little guy, and we spend a lot of time playing with him. Need to buy a whole lot more cat toys for Christmas!

During the afternoon, Priscilla mostly sleeps on the living room couch and Merlin mostly sleeps on Kid A's bed (which has flannel sheets and a warm fuzzy blanket). This is quite different from our old cats. Pie Bear always slept on my bed, while Chester alternated between the printer next to my desk, my bed, and his little cat tree. Due to the problems with her legs and tail, Priscilla can't curl up in a ball, so that means typical cat beds don't work for her. She sleeps all stretched out. In this as well as many other ways, she is turning out to be a very odd cat. But that's OK -- we do odd, in this family.

So, anyway. Just writing this blog has kind of cheered me up a little. Now let's think about how to make this a better week. Here are some plans and goals:

1. Finish the stupid tree! Today's goal was to put the rest of the branches away. I did manage to bring the tree box back in the house. That is a start, but it is not a finish. It is now 5:03 pm. We are talking about MAYBE half an hour of work. Probably less. Please get this done. Then do the lights on Monday and the ornaments on Tuesday. PLEASE. The tree is going to drive me crazy until I finish it.
2. Bake a batch or two of cookies. Focus on things the kids like, not just cookies I like to make because my mother made them. Maybe try a new recipe that sounds good.
3. Make one or two shopping trips (on days that I don't bake). This might be a good week to hit Barnes & Noble. And the pet store!
   
4. Exercise every day, or at least six days out of seven. This is not as impossible as it sounds, because the twins are supposed to do PE five days a week and I do it with them. Today my exercise was shoveling. Yesterday it was nothing, but Friday we took a walk.
5. Give money to something. This past week, on Colorado Gives Day, I gave away $178. It made me feel good, for about five minutes. Hey, five minutes is five minutes, and maybe the recipients felt good for longer than that.
   
6. Try not to make myself more miserable. No more googling why I shouldn't have a menorah. Instead of feeling bad about not cooking healthy foods, think of what would taste the most delicious. Today I found a bag of Cuties in the fridge (I had stuck them in the crisper and forgotten about them). The twins have so far eaten about 10 each. But if I had said, "You should eat these, they're good for you," they probably wouldn't have had any.
7. Go to bed at 11:30, not 12, even if the book is at a really exciting part.
8. Don't make too many plans -- this is PLENTY.

OK, we'll see. I actually have very few expectations for the week ahead, but I'm going to keep trying because the alternative is worse. When I finish this post I'm going to go work on the tree branches. Really, I am. Here I go.*

*Postnote: yes, I put away the branches. Lights on the tree tomorrow, I hope. **

**Post-postnote: yes, the lights are on the tree. Ornaments tomorrow, I hope.

December, hmm

I haven't written a regular blog post in three weeks, practically a record. No special reason, just that Rocket Boy was here and it was Thanksgiving and then we adopted two cats and had stuff to do. I usually blog on Sunday afternoons, and my Sunday afternoons were busy. On weekdays the kids had online school and RB was teleworking, so I tried to stay off the internet as much as possible.

Now he's on an airplane, presumably wearing a mask and sitting as far away from other people as possible, headed back for St. Louis (actually, he just called, so he made it back). And I'm allowing myself a little of that letdown feeling. It's exacerbated by the fact that Christmas is in less than three weeks and I'm not sure he's coming back for that. Have a holly jolly whatever.

We made Thanksgiving work by bringing him out a week before (his plane was only 1/3 full) and sending him back more than a week after. But he reports that his flight today was more than 2/3 full, with some people even sitting in the middle seats. And it's hard to fly anywhere close to Christmas without encountering a lot of other people. If his office closes down again, he might consider driving here, but I just don't know. Probably the right thing would be for him to stay in St. Louis, but I worry about his living situation there: he shares a house with two other people, both of whom have partial custody of their many children. He would be safer in Boulder. If only his job were here.

The coronavirus is raging, of course. The last time I posted, on November 15th, there had been 245,777 deaths in this country from the virus. Today, the total is 281,878. That's an average of 1719 deaths per day over the past three weeks, which is a huge number. There were 2190 deaths reported yesterday. Three weeks ago I said something about how if the current rate increases a little we could have 300,000 dead by the end of the year. Now it looks we'll have 300,000 dead by the end of Hanukkah.

We had a nice Thanksgiving, against all odds. Rocket Boy was here not only for the holiday but also to get some medical and dental stuff done. He arrived Friday, worked on house projects all day Saturday, and then on Sunday I took him to get a covid test (which was negative). Monday he went to the dentist to have a crown put on, and that afternoon he started his bowel prep. Tuesday morning he got up at 4:30 am to finish the bowel prep, and then I drove him to the hospital for an endoscopy and a colonoscopy. He had a stricture in his esophagus (the reason for doing the procedure at this time), which they stretched out. He and I were both basket cases for the rest of the day, and we both also rested a lot on Wednesday. 

Thursday I got up feeling good and proceeded to make all our Thanksgiving dishes: sweet potatoes, spinach, cranberry sauce, stuffing, and a pumpkin pie. Rocket Boy made mashed potatoes and gravy, and we baked some Pillsbury crescent rolls. It all turned out well, accompanied by sparkling cider and a discussion of what we were thankful for. I can't quite make Thanksgiving dinner in my sleep, but almost. Of course, it's easier not having a turkey to worry about.

The day after Thanksgiving we decided it was time to think seriously about getting a new cat. Chester died two months ago and we all miss having a furry someone around the house. I called the Longmont Humane Society and they had one appointment left that day, at 4:15. So we drove to Longmont and met a sweet cat called Priscilla, a brown tabby who looked a little like my old cat Edward. She is a special needs cat, with an "abnormal gait," and her tail looks like it was attached in the wrong place. I immediately felt the need to rescue her. We couldn't quite decide if she was the right cat for our family, though, and they were getting ready to close, so we said we'd come back.

Saturday (this is November 28th now), we visited the Denver Zoo, which seemed like a place where one could do some serious social distancing. It wasn't as much fun as we'd hoped, though. They've created a path through the zoo that you have to follow, and it DOES NOT INCLUDE LEMURS. Probably they're mostly inside this time of year, but still. Kid B and I were VERY disappointed. Also, the path you have to follow means you end up getting a little closer to other people than I was really comfortable with. My other favorite thing at the zoo, the reptile house, had an enormous line of people waiting to get in, so we skipped that and headed for home. 

Sunday we went back to the Humane Society and met another cat, called December. He was a little orange and white tabby, very pale, with big blue eyes. I think he may be what they call a flame point, which would mean he is part Siamese. We'll have to ask the vet. After hanging out with December for a while we decided that we would adopt both Priscilla and December, because it seemed as though they might be able to become friends -- and with two young-ish cats, there might be "enough hound to go all around." Or, rather, enough cat. (And by this I do NOT mean that any reproduction will be taking place. Just that for a family of four, it's nice to have more than one companion animal.) December needed to be neutered (see? no reproduction), so we couldn't pick him up for a couple of days, but we got Priscilla right then and there. We took her home and sequestered her in the office, but after a couple days we let her have the run of the house.

On Wednesday I went back to get December, and we moved him into the office and renamed him Merlin -- because how can you call a cat December? Merlin is a problematic name for him, though. It doesn't seem to fit. Another name we considered was Jasper, which I think would have been better. But the name I call him most often (unintentionally) is Gandalf, which is also the name of a neighborhood cat who sometimes comes in our yard. I don't think we should call our cat Gandalf, due to confusion with the other cat (even though our cat will not be allowed outside without supervision). But I just can't seem to make Merlin work for me. Kid B is doing pretty well with it. Kid A calls him December. We'll see how it goes.

Merlin was absolutely terrified when I brought him home, and he spent all day Thursday hiding under a little rolltop desk (that I didn't actually think a cat would fit under). But by Thursday night he had decided we were not dangerous and became very frisky. Since then, we've been gradually trying to socialize the cats to each other -- first with sounds and smells, and more recently with looking at each other through a screen. Priscilla, unfortunately, seems to be afraid of Merlin, and hisses at him. Merlin doesn't mind her at all, and I think would like to play. He is only a year old -- just had his first birthday -- and he's very kitten-like. Also very small. Priscilla, who is 3, is small too, but the boy cat is smaller. We're used to gigantic, hulking monsters like Chester and Pie Bear, so it's quite a change.

This afternoon, after getting back from the airport and spending some time vegging out, I took the boys to their middle school and they ran around the track twice. They were supposed to run four laps, i.e., a mile, but it was all I could do to get them to do two laps. They're rather out of shape, with no real PE since last March (except for a few badminton games on the four days they went to in-person school this fall). There was a low-key soccer game going on in the middle of the field, and Kid A kept saying, "Embarrassment. Embarrassment. Here with mom, game going on, have to run. Embarrassment." I of course thought it was very funny. It's so great to be the mom and not the embarrassed preteen.

Well, I should stop here, it's long enough, and I need to go to the grocery store. I don't know what's going to happen with Christmas. On the plus side, we sent out almost all our cards this weekend -- we did 46, plus Rocket Boy will finish up the ones that go to Germany, so about 50 total. I like doing cards. I suspect we won't get many in return, but I'm hoping our cards will cheer other people up for a moment or two. Perhaps that is too much to ask.

Now we need to decorate the tree, which Rocket Boy set up last night for us. And then I'll do some holiday baking and shopping. My book group meets tomorrow night via Zoom and I have my parent support group Tuesday night via Zoom. Then comes Hanukkah. And before we know it, December 25th will be here, and then it will be over, and we'll survive. Maybe we'll even have a good time. I think the key is to enjoy what you can and let go of the rest. We'll try for that.