Trying to cope with Christmas

"Enjoy what you can and let go of the rest." That was going to be my mantra for this weird, socially-distanced holiday season. But somehow it isn't working. I've been feeling really sad and depressed and I'm not accomplishing anything. I want to curl up in a ball and sleep until January (instead, I wake up too early and lie there and stress about things). But I can't go into hibernation. I'm a mom, and for now I'm a single parent. Also a cat owner. It's Sunday once again -- time to regroup and come up with a new plan.

Rocket Boy went back to St. Louis a week ago and I am missing him. It's possible he'll be back for Christmas, more likely than I thought last week, anyway. But probably not much before, maybe a few days after instead (he'll probably drive, if he comes). So no chance of any more help from him on Christmas prep. He was very helpful before he left, bringing up all the boxes from the basement and setting up the tree.

But we didn't reckon with little Merlin. Both of our new cats were interested in the tree, and branches started breaking off pretty quickly. It was Tuesday or Wednesday that I found Merlin CLIMBING the tree. Oh, yeah, this is going to work, not. So I dismantled the tree and reassembled it with only the top half (it's an old fake tree that you can do that to). I was pretty pleased with myself, actually, since it would make the job of trimming it easier. But the next morning when Kid B saw it, he was devastated. "It's going to be a crappy Christmas," he said, despondently. And how could I disagree? 

Since then, I've been feeling kind of lousy (mentally, not physically, but of course it's hard to separate the two). I haven't made any progress with the tree or much of anything else. I did go shopping one late afternoon and bought each kid a small stuffed animal at Grandrabbits. I don't think 12-year-old boys are going to be too thrilled with small stuffed animals, but it's something to open on Christmas morning. I look at the calendar -- December 13th. Twelve days until Christmas. Well, I can always shop on Christmas Eve. The problem is, where do I put the gifts once I buy them? The kids are always home, always in the house. I can't send them to the library or to a friend's house. Those little stuffed animals I bought are in a cloth shopping bag on the floor of the front seat of my car, passenger side, because the boys never sit there (they sit together in the back seat, where it's easier to hit each other). But if I buy more things, the pile will start to be noticeable.

We've had a very quiet last few days because a couple of storms moved through, leaving it cold and snowy. Not a huge dump -- maybe 5 inches total? Hard to say, because Friday morning's snow got packed down before Saturday night's snow started. Yesterday it was so cold and gloomy we just stayed indoors all day. I wore pajama pants instead of regular pants, and the twins found this disturbing. "Why are you wearing pajamas?" "They're not really pajamas, they're lounge pants." "They look like pajamas to me." "Well, OK, they ARE pajamas, but I never wear pajamas to bed, so for me they're lounge pants." "I think they're pajamas." "Fine, you win, they're pajamas." "Why are you wearing pajamas?" etc., etc.

Today I'm wearing pants.

Actually, I started the day in lounge pants -- real lounge pants, not pajamas -- but then I had to go out and shovel again, so I put on real pants. I hope everyone's happy.

I shouldn't be so depressed. I should count my blessings. We're healthy. The twins and I are together and Rocket Boy is sometimes with us. RB is making a decent income. Unlike some years, if I think of something to buy for the twins, I can buy it (within reason). Compare this to all the people who have died of the coronavirus in this country. Last week the total was 281,878 -- today it's 298,649. That's an average of 2396 deaths per day in the last week, and we'll probably hit 300,000 tomorrow, long before the end of Hanukkah, which was my guess last week. And no, this does not cheer me up -- how could it?

Speaking of Hanukkah, we are celebrating it along with Advent, as usual. And as usual I feel guilty about this, because it feels like cultural appropriation. In order, I suppose, to torment myself, I started reading articles on the internet about whether it is or not, and came to the conclusion that I probably am in the wrong. It's OK for non-Jews to eat latkes and jelly doughnuts and play with a dreidel, but not to have a menorah. Which of course we do. I love our hanukkiah. I look forward to lighting the candles every year, just like I look forward to lighting Advent candles. I do it in honor of the struggles and triumphs of the Jewish people, and because I miss going to Hanukkah parties. And also, I like candles. And ritual. And tradition. Even if they're not MY rituals and traditions.

I think I'm overthinking this. In the grander scheme of things, no one cares if I light Hanukkah candles. Kwanzaa, on the other hand, might be a problem? But I don't have a Kwanzaa kinara (they're harder to come by, and believe me, I've looked into this). I have not yet contemplated celebrating Diwali, the Hindu festival of lights, but hey, there's always next year.

Here's a cheerful bit of news: the cats are starting to work things out. Currently, Merlin sleeps and eats in the office, while Priscilla gets full run of the house 24/7. But from about 9 am until about 9 pm each day, Merlin gets to run around the house too. At first Priscilla was highly displeased, but she's starting to adjust. In this picture, Priscilla is probably hissing. But she hasn't attacked her new little brother, and he shows no interest in attacking her. He is a very frisky little guy, and we spend a lot of time playing with him. Need to buy a whole lot more cat toys for Christmas!

During the afternoon, Priscilla mostly sleeps on the living room couch and Merlin mostly sleeps on Kid A's bed (which has flannel sheets and a warm fuzzy blanket). This is quite different from our old cats. Pie Bear always slept on my bed, while Chester alternated between the printer next to my desk, my bed, and his little cat tree. Due to the problems with her legs and tail, Priscilla can't curl up in a ball, so that means typical cat beds don't work for her. She sleeps all stretched out. In this as well as many other ways, she is turning out to be a very odd cat. But that's OK -- we do odd, in this family.

So, anyway. Just writing this blog has kind of cheered me up a little. Now let's think about how to make this a better week. Here are some plans and goals:

1. Finish the stupid tree! Today's goal was to put the rest of the branches away. I did manage to bring the tree box back in the house. That is a start, but it is not a finish. It is now 5:03 pm. We are talking about MAYBE half an hour of work. Probably less. Please get this done. Then do the lights on Monday and the ornaments on Tuesday. PLEASE. The tree is going to drive me crazy until I finish it.
2. Bake a batch or two of cookies. Focus on things the kids like, not just cookies I like to make because my mother made them. Maybe try a new recipe that sounds good.
3. Make one or two shopping trips (on days that I don't bake). This might be a good week to hit Barnes & Noble. And the pet store!
   
4. Exercise every day, or at least six days out of seven. This is not as impossible as it sounds, because the twins are supposed to do PE five days a week and I do it with them. Today my exercise was shoveling. Yesterday it was nothing, but Friday we took a walk.
5. Give money to something. This past week, on Colorado Gives Day, I gave away $178. It made me feel good, for about five minutes. Hey, five minutes is five minutes, and maybe the recipients felt good for longer than that.
   
6. Try not to make myself more miserable. No more googling why I shouldn't have a menorah. Instead of feeling bad about not cooking healthy foods, think of what would taste the most delicious. Today I found a bag of Cuties in the fridge (I had stuck them in the crisper and forgotten about them). The twins have so far eaten about 10 each. But if I had said, "You should eat these, they're good for you," they probably wouldn't have had any.
7. Go to bed at 11:30, not 12, even if the book is at a really exciting part.
8. Don't make too many plans -- this is PLENTY.

OK, we'll see. I actually have very few expectations for the week ahead, but I'm going to keep trying because the alternative is worse. When I finish this post I'm going to go work on the tree branches. Really, I am. Here I go.*

*Postnote: yes, I put away the branches. Lights on the tree tomorrow, I hope. **

**Post-postnote: yes, the lights are on the tree. Ornaments tomorrow, I hope.