Coping, revisited

So, last week I wrote about how I was having trouble coping with Christmas, and at the end of the post I wrote some plans for the week. And I'm glad to report that the plans helped. I followed my list and got some things done without getting too stressed out about everything. 

I'm still low, but I'm less low. That would mean that I am higher. Or whatever. More kind of medium. Not really medium, but closer to medium. Anyway. I'm quite functional, which is good, though I don't have the energy to do all the things I want to do.

I'm a little befuddled about the week ahead -- how on earth am I going to get everything done? And since I'm sure I won't get everything done, which things should I let go?

1. First on my list (last week) was to finish the damn tree. I am glad to report that I did finally finish it, more or less -- a couple of hours ago. Good grief, that took a long time. The lights were the worst, but after that I worked on the decorations for 15 minutes here and there throughout the week. I never really got motivated to get it done all at once. The tree looks very crowded with ornaments, and yet there are still gaps. I don't care. It's fine and it's done. The only "decorating" I have left to do is to put the red cloth on the coffee table. 

And clean. I need to clean every day before Christmas. Sigh.

Unfortunately, while working on the tree, I discovered that I've lost the twins' Christmas stockings! They weren't in any of the boxes! And I'm the one who handled the dismantling process, so it's all my fault. I've looked in a few places where I thought the stockings might be, and they weren't there. My current guess is that they're in a box or a bag in the garage, possibly even on the train table that's in the middle of the garage. Maybe tomorrow I'll look into that. Or maybe Christmas Eve. Maybe we'll use long socks instead!

2. Second on the list was baking a batch or two of cookies. I think at that point I had already made panocha squares -- but anyway, that's a disaster because the kids have already eaten them all (should have hid them better). On Tuesday I made a new recipe, Gingerbread Cookie Bars, which are actually quite good except that they have holiday M&Ms in them, and although those add a pretty, holiday look, they really clash with the flavor profile (i.e., gingerbread) of the cookies. The kids thought they were gross, so they have become MY cookies. I have one with my lunch each day, and they're lasting very well.

Today I finally buckled down and made another new recipe, Peppermint Meltaways, and they were OK (the twins loved them). 

This week I am planning to make sugar cookies, probably Tuesday? and fudge, probably Thursday. I also have a box of Trader Joe's pfeffernusse cookie MIX that I might throw together one day. We'll see. And I suppose I should make ANOTHER batch of panocha squares. Maybe. We'll see. Maybe after Christmas!

I also have to think about regular food, not just sweets, and that's going to be more complicated this year because the twins have decided they don't want me to get a Honeybaked ham. That will please Rocket Boy too, but what will I serve instead? All these decades as a mostly vegetarian, and I have no idea what to serve for Christmas dinner instead of meat. Chicken? I hate chicken.

3. Third on the list was to make some shopping trips. On Wednesday I went to the pet store, getting presents for no one but the cats. But it was a start. On Friday I hit Barnes & Noble and Target, coming home with several gifts (calendars, books, games, clothes, stocking stuffers). That meant that Friday night I had to wrap presents and ended up going to bed at 2 am. But it was worth it, I think. Now, this week I have to think about what else I want to buy. I've scheduled shopping trips for Monday and Wednesday -- but where? and what? The twins told me tonight they really don't want Lego sets this year. Wow, my mind is blown. But then what? I'm going to go back to Grandrabbits and buy them something toy-like -- a chemistry set or something to play with outdoors. It's not Christmas without fun things to unwrap.

I'm remembering several years when the boys wanted gigantic, expensive Lego sets, and we actually had trouble paying for them. You can easily spend $400 on two big Lego sets, and for several years we didn't have a spare $400 at Christmas. Now we do, and they don't want anything expensive. Well, OK, they want new laptops (tough) and phones (not yet), but they know they aren't getting those. Weird how these things go.

The one thing both boys asked for this year, I'm having trouble producing. Kid A wants a 3D puzzle, and I should have ordered it online but I didn't. Grandrabbits didn't have anything. I found a small 3D puzzle at Barnes & Noble, so that will have to do for now. Kid B wants another Liberty puzzle, and those are almost impossible to get this year. I am on the waiting list, and I can't remember when my name was supposed to come up, but I know it's this week. When it does, I'll try to buy a puzzle, but I don't know when we'll get it -- Liberty Puzzles is based in Boulder, but I don't know if they'll let me go pick up the puzzle at their warehouse or store, or whether they'll mail it. Crazy.

4. Fourth on the list was daily exercise, and I have to admit that I missed two days, Thursday and Friday, but I did some sort of exercise all the other days. I took a walk with one or more twins on Monday, Saturday, and today. The kids and I did a HIIT workout on Tuesday and a yoga session on Wednesday (this was for PE). We would have gone out Thursday (they were supposed to do a run), but there was so much snow and it was so cold. Friday there's no excuse -- we were just lazy.

This week the weather will be better, and I think I'll have no trouble fitting in a walk each day -- if I just remember to put it on the list and DO it. I'll try.

5. Fifth on the list was to give money to something or someone, and the only thing I did in that category was to pay the penalty and interest on our Colorado state taxes -- even after the guy I talked to offered to waive it. I still have plans to give $25 toward the Georgia election, even though it doesn't look good, and I have a few other ideas as well. Maybe this week.

6. Sixth on the list was to try not to make myself more miserable. Maybe I did a little better on this? I kept congratulating myself for doing things on my list, so I think I was more positive.

7. Seventh on the list was to go to bed at 11:30, not 12, and of course there was the night I stayed up until 2 am, plus other nights weren't so great either. But at least 4 of the nights I had the light off by 11:30. 

Tonight -- hmm. It's already 10:45 and I still have to take a shower. But maybe that's all I have to do. I can clean the kitchen in the morning.

8. And finally, eighth on the list was not to make too many plans, and this was hard. Every day I made an enormous to-do list -- and that includes today. This coming week, on top of all the usual stuff and the Christmas stuff, I also have to clean the house for Rocket Boy, who we THINK may arrive on Thursday. He plans to drive, so that's always iffy. He'll leave Tuesday or Wednesday. The weather doesn't look too bad, though there's a little storm he'll have to drive through at some point, but it doesn't look terrible. I hope he does make it. I'm kind of counting on it. We'll see.

On a low note, last week's coronavirus death total was 298,649 and I was expecting it to pass 300,000 on Monday, which of course it did. But today's total is a jaw-dropping 317,120! That's an average of 2638 deaths per day (the week before it was 2396 deaths per day). That's so many deaths, and it's so sad that they come right when people are starting to get the vaccine. It just seems so terrible to die when hope is in sight, like people dying in concentration camps in WWII after peace had been declared.

On a more cheerful note, the kitties are getting along much better. Priscilla still hisses at Merlin a lot, but they sit next to each other on the couch, especially when looking out the window (watching Cat TV). They explore things together, such as the Christmas tree, or (tonight) the china cabinet (!!!). They also play a game, "Chase," which both seem to enjoy thoroughly -- and we have to stay out of their way when it's going on. They race madly through the house, back and forth. Good exercise! 

Last night, for the first time, I let Merlin sleep outside the office. I shut him in there to eat his dinner, but later went in and opened the door, surprising him. He was already curled up on the desk chair he sleeps in, and at first did not want to get up. When, eventually, he did, he proceeded to annoy Priscilla, who was preparing for her own quiet night. After a bit of hissing, they played another round of Chase, and then curled up to sleep on the sofa. Merlin came in to see me when I woke up (too early, 6 am), and after I read for a while and got sleepy again, we dozed together from about 7 to about 9.

When I got up, I decided I was finally going to watch the service, in real time, at the church that I've been lurking around (watching recorded services) for several weeks now. I felt braver than usual, so I decided it wasn't necessary to try to hide my name on the Zoom call. I didn't use my camera, because I didn't have a lovely Christmas sweater to show, etc., but my name was there in big bold letters. There were over 100 people on the call, many of them of course representing families, so that's a lot of people for what I thought was a rather small church. I looked at the other names, and sure enough, there was someone I knew. I decided that was going to have to be OK. 

The service was nice, appropriate for Advent. The pastor talked about "ambiguous loss," which I guess is sort of a buzzword this year. In the past it has been used to refer to things like miscarriages -- when you mourn the potential of the fetus to become a person. In addition to all the standard losses, the more than 300,000 deaths, etc., this year has been full of ambiguous losses, things we wanted to do, planned to do, but weren't able to. Weddings postponed or intensely downsized, graduation ceremonies moved online -- everything moved online, where it's so much less than the real thing. We got a card from some friends who became grandparents for the first AND second time this year -- and they still haven't met either baby. That's ambiguous loss. It's so hard, and yet also so hard to pinpoint what the loss is. Loss of something you never had, but should have had.

I went to my grief support group on Saturday, after missing it for several weeks, and that made me feel good -- perhaps gave me the courage to go to church the next day. There was a new person there -- and I can't give any details about anyone or what they said, but his story made me cry. And since he was talking in part about a death that hadn't yet occurred, perhaps that's ambiguous loss too. I sat there on Zoom, camera on, with tears rolling steadily down my cheeks. Sometimes it feels good to cry, to feel the sadness of the world and just give into it with all your heart.